It's not a big secret that I am an animal lover. But the reason why has been a kept secret for a very long time...until now.
As I grew up, I always had pets. Birds, mainly, fish, frogs, and even rats. My cousin, whom I shared a home with, had rabbits and hamsters, so between the two of us, we had our own little zoo. I didn't get a dog until after I was married. We first took in a sharpei mix and named her Mulan and later we inherited my ex-husband's chow mix named Jax after his mother passed away. Then after Jax passed away came Miko.
Most knew my ex-husband was very unkind to me. They have witnessed much of his unpleasant behaviour but, of course, no one knew just how bad it was in private. Most of it was verbal and mental abuse, but physical abuse would slip in every once in a while and the dogs would witness such displays of unaffection almost on a daily basis. They spent much time hiding under the bed and I spent much time laying on the floor next to them coaxing them out any way I could, apologizing to them that I brought them into a home of such cruelty. It wasn't fair to them and because I was afraid to do anything about the situation, they lived in fear day after day.
My guilt and shame grew and I knew that they deserved so much better. I couldn't give them up because I was afraid of being alone and they were the only source of love I had at the time. Well...at least that's what I thought. There was one time where I did abandon them. I couldn't stay any longer and left my ex-husband for a brief time and I had to leave my dogs behind. They were in my thoughts constantly, 'How could I leave them behind with him.' I went back, more out of fear that they would be hurt because I was gone.
My despair grew and I was certain theirs was too. Again, there we were, day after day...them under the bed frightened and me begging for them to come out. But then one day something happened. Something that would change things forever in our home and our future.
It was a day no different than any other. My ex-husband and I were fighting...badly. His fist raised up right in line with my face. I looked at him and his eyes got big, his fist came down and he backed away a little bit. I was confused of what was happening and I looked down to see my two dogs. One on each side of me, fur standing on end and snarling and growling so loud you could see spit foaming up and flying out. They were ready. If he threw that punch, they would lunge. It was a site I, or my ex-husband, have never seen and on that day, it was the beginning of the end.
My dogs grew tired of what was happening in our home and they came to my rescue at a point when I thought I never would be. It wasn't too long after that incident, we did rescue one more dog and we ended up in divorce. Much to my regret (even to this day), he took Mulan and I took Miko and Sunny. The first night Miko, Sunny and I were in our apartment, the three of us sat at the foot of the bed (which was on the floor and still remains very low to this day) and I promised no one would hurt us the way we hurt for the past ten years ever again.
Now you know. Why I talk about them so much, why I believe in rescuing animals, why I take a stand against animal abuse, why I believe they are good for your health...and soul. God used two such animals. He gave them strength and a fearlessnes to put an end to a bad situation. In return, their fearlessness became contagious and I found the strength to leave...for good.
These are my heroes. So when I look at an animal, I don't just see something "oh so cute and fuzzy and adorable." I see what compassion looks like and what great character there is to possess.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
What Are You Doing Here?
I was doing my Bible study this evening and it was a continuation of why we need proper rest. There was a verse that stuck out but I got a different meaning from it.
"And there he went into a cave, and spent the night in that place; and behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and He said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" 1 Kings 19:9
It was the last part of the verse that caught my attention, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" I pondered that part of the verse for a moment and felt as if that question was being asked of me.
"What are you doing here, Theresa?"
"Why are you doing what you are doing?"
"Did I ask you to do this?"
Here I am chugging along, thinking I am doing what I thought I was suppose to be doing and God is asking what I am doing here. Apparently, I am not doing what I really am suppose to be doing. How confused could one person get?
So now it makes sense. I have been wondering why I feel as if I am not moving ahead in ministries. I plateaued. Not slipping but not moving forward either. Not necessarily feeling satisfied but not fully disappointed either. I am not sure what it is that I expect but something is stirring that something needs to change and God has been waving a big red flag in front of me but I chose to ignore Him. Well tonight He finally has my attention, so the next question is, "Ok God. What do you want me to do? Where am I suppose to go?"
It's so simple. All we have to do is ask and.....
"The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9
"And there he went into a cave, and spent the night in that place; and behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and He said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" 1 Kings 19:9
It was the last part of the verse that caught my attention, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" I pondered that part of the verse for a moment and felt as if that question was being asked of me.
"What are you doing here, Theresa?"
"Why are you doing what you are doing?"
"Did I ask you to do this?"
Here I am chugging along, thinking I am doing what I thought I was suppose to be doing and God is asking what I am doing here. Apparently, I am not doing what I really am suppose to be doing. How confused could one person get?
So now it makes sense. I have been wondering why I feel as if I am not moving ahead in ministries. I plateaued. Not slipping but not moving forward either. Not necessarily feeling satisfied but not fully disappointed either. I am not sure what it is that I expect but something is stirring that something needs to change and God has been waving a big red flag in front of me but I chose to ignore Him. Well tonight He finally has my attention, so the next question is, "Ok God. What do you want me to do? Where am I suppose to go?"
It's so simple. All we have to do is ask and.....
"The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9
Monday, November 19, 2012
Dear God.....
I am a no nonsense girl.
Make it happen
Or don't make it at all.
Either way, let me know
So that I can just pick up
And keep going.
Forgive me for being so rude.
Forgive me for being so blunt.
I am not angry with You.
Just a little tired of waiting
Your memory never fails....
That night.
You know....
That night?
When I cried out to You.
Begging You to fix it
Or leave me to continue
In my misery?
Now we find ourselves back
On that faithful night.
The words
Revolve around once more
Just with a different meaning.
What a challenge I have been.
Fighting You,
Loving You,
Longing for You,
Just to turn away again.
And yet here I am.
Back to that faithful night.
The night when it all changed forever.
Just a few words
That took the last bit of energy
I had left.
I fell to the ground lifeless,
You picked me up.
You lifted my head.
And looked into my eyes
And You made the promise....
"I will never let you go."
And You kept it.
Because I am still here.
I am still here.
I have tested You
And You kept it.
Thank You for keeping Your promise.
So here we are once again.
I've been wandering for awhile
And I have grown a little tired.
Just a little weak.
Maybe I am missing it.
Perhaps I refuse to listen.
Or maybe I am ashamed
To admit I'm scared.
Pick me up again
Oh Lord.
Take me into Your arms
And carry me to where we need to go.
I may not recognize the surroundings
But I trust You will bring me to
That resting place.
Always With Love,
Your Daughter.
I am a no nonsense girl.
Make it happen
Or don't make it at all.
Either way, let me know
So that I can just pick up
And keep going.
Forgive me for being so rude.
Forgive me for being so blunt.
I am not angry with You.
Just a little tired of waiting
Your memory never fails....
That night.
You know....
That night?
When I cried out to You.
Begging You to fix it
Or leave me to continue
In my misery?
Now we find ourselves back
On that faithful night.
The words
Revolve around once more
Just with a different meaning.
What a challenge I have been.
Fighting You,
Loving You,
Longing for You,
Just to turn away again.
And yet here I am.
Back to that faithful night.
The night when it all changed forever.
Just a few words
That took the last bit of energy
I had left.
I fell to the ground lifeless,
You picked me up.
You lifted my head.
And looked into my eyes
And You made the promise....
"I will never let you go."
And You kept it.
Because I am still here.
I am still here.
I have tested You
And You kept it.
Thank You for keeping Your promise.
So here we are once again.
I've been wandering for awhile
And I have grown a little tired.
Just a little weak.
Maybe I am missing it.
Perhaps I refuse to listen.
Or maybe I am ashamed
To admit I'm scared.
Pick me up again
Oh Lord.
Take me into Your arms
And carry me to where we need to go.
I may not recognize the surroundings
But I trust You will bring me to
That resting place.
Always With Love,
Your Daughter.
Monday, November 12, 2012
How come?
As I was doing my Bible study, tonight's topic was very intriguing. It was about not always getting the answer to the question why. This was the lesson for me because I am fully of "whys."
1. Why did I make some of the choices I made?
2. Why was my exhusband so mean to me?
3. Why didn't I just stand up and do the right thing?
4. Why am I so fearful....of everything?
5. Why am I so lonely?
6. Why can't I get the nice guy?
7. Why isn't God's love just enough for me?
8. Why can't I stop being so prideful?
9. Why isn't there a clearer direction of what I am suppose to do?
10. Why does it seem like when I do step out to do something, it leads to a dead end?
11. Why....
12. Why....
13. And how come....
The "whys" could continue but at some point we have to just stop asking why and just accept things are the way they are because they are suppose to be. And we have to understand that God does have a purpose and a plan even when we don't see how there could be a purpose or a plan.
One of my biggest fears is making the wrong decision and God would be displeased and curse me. Yes...I actually still live in fear of God from time to time. I still lack understanding that it's not in what I do that makes Him love me, but it's just being. I keep thinking, "If I just do what everyone else is doing than God will bless me and I will find favor with many." How freaking screwed up is that thought process? Let me make a face at my own embarrassing thought here. :/
I have tried doing what many others are doing and all it leads to is frustration, disappointment and bitterness. I doubt this is God's plan. And I doubt it's God's plan to sit here and do nothing because no one benefits from idleness. I felt guilty for wanting to go down a certain path because surely it's not the most popular one but then again, WHY does my plan have to be like everyone else's. Can you imagine just how much would go undone if we all did the same thing?
Knowing why I am where I am at will probably never get answered so I am wasting valuable time when I could just move forward and figure out the answer to this question, "What is it You want me to do and where can I pick up the equipment to accomplish this mission?"
I won't sit here and spit out the same cheesy lines that so many spit out. With all due respect, it lacks creativity and I believe God made us to be creative just like Him. I am sure He finds amusement in seeing what our brains can come up with and I believe He eventually will come along to help bring order to whatever idea is brewing in our heads. With that being said, I could say, "If you keep your eye on God, than your path will become clear." Or I could say, "God is good." Not saying that He isn't but think of it more like this:
So many of us have been through so much in our lives. Some had it worst than others but pain is pain no matter the degree of that pain and no matter how long the suffering has gone on. None of us really want to suffer even if it's a tiny bit. God takes pity on us. We cry and He is quick to answer. The mere fact that He gives us strength, comfort and encouragement should be enough to abolish the question of why because at the end of the day...it doesn't really matter. What matters is that we went through it and we now have a tool to help, give hope, and encourage others. Yes...God is good. He is good because He cares about what we are going through and He has a solution to our troubles but we can't receive the solution unless we are willing to listen and keep our eyes on Him.
Watch Him.
Learn from Him.
Mimic Him.
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor your ways My ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:9
"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect." Psalm 18:32
1. Why did I make some of the choices I made?
2. Why was my exhusband so mean to me?
3. Why didn't I just stand up and do the right thing?
4. Why am I so fearful....of everything?
5. Why am I so lonely?
6. Why can't I get the nice guy?
7. Why isn't God's love just enough for me?
8. Why can't I stop being so prideful?
9. Why isn't there a clearer direction of what I am suppose to do?
10. Why does it seem like when I do step out to do something, it leads to a dead end?
11. Why....
12. Why....
13. And how come....
The "whys" could continue but at some point we have to just stop asking why and just accept things are the way they are because they are suppose to be. And we have to understand that God does have a purpose and a plan even when we don't see how there could be a purpose or a plan.
One of my biggest fears is making the wrong decision and God would be displeased and curse me. Yes...I actually still live in fear of God from time to time. I still lack understanding that it's not in what I do that makes Him love me, but it's just being. I keep thinking, "If I just do what everyone else is doing than God will bless me and I will find favor with many." How freaking screwed up is that thought process? Let me make a face at my own embarrassing thought here. :/
I have tried doing what many others are doing and all it leads to is frustration, disappointment and bitterness. I doubt this is God's plan. And I doubt it's God's plan to sit here and do nothing because no one benefits from idleness. I felt guilty for wanting to go down a certain path because surely it's not the most popular one but then again, WHY does my plan have to be like everyone else's. Can you imagine just how much would go undone if we all did the same thing?
Knowing why I am where I am at will probably never get answered so I am wasting valuable time when I could just move forward and figure out the answer to this question, "What is it You want me to do and where can I pick up the equipment to accomplish this mission?"
I won't sit here and spit out the same cheesy lines that so many spit out. With all due respect, it lacks creativity and I believe God made us to be creative just like Him. I am sure He finds amusement in seeing what our brains can come up with and I believe He eventually will come along to help bring order to whatever idea is brewing in our heads. With that being said, I could say, "If you keep your eye on God, than your path will become clear." Or I could say, "God is good." Not saying that He isn't but think of it more like this:
So many of us have been through so much in our lives. Some had it worst than others but pain is pain no matter the degree of that pain and no matter how long the suffering has gone on. None of us really want to suffer even if it's a tiny bit. God takes pity on us. We cry and He is quick to answer. The mere fact that He gives us strength, comfort and encouragement should be enough to abolish the question of why because at the end of the day...it doesn't really matter. What matters is that we went through it and we now have a tool to help, give hope, and encourage others. Yes...God is good. He is good because He cares about what we are going through and He has a solution to our troubles but we can't receive the solution unless we are willing to listen and keep our eyes on Him.
Watch Him.
Learn from Him.
Mimic Him.
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor your ways My ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:9
"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect." Psalm 18:32
Monday, November 5, 2012
You And Me
Take a look around.
What do you have to fear?
No one is in this room to hurt you.
It's just you and Me child.
Say what you need to say.
I AM is listening.
I AM wants to know
what is lying on your heart.
I have seen the tears
And I have heard your cries.
You may thought that I have left you,
But that is untrue.
Understand the enemy is hard at work.
He wants to fool you into feeling
unloved,
unimportant,
and worst of all....
like trash on the side of the road.
Is that what you believe?
Have you seen evidence of those things
from Me?
My child,
Let me give you a book.
In this book, you will see the truth.
It will show the enemy at face value.
It will tell you what I really feel for you.
Take a look around.
What do you have to fear?
No one is in this room to hurt you.
It's just you and Me.
It's always been you and Me.
What do you have to fear?
No one is in this room to hurt you.
It's just you and Me child.
Say what you need to say.
I AM is listening.
I AM wants to know
what is lying on your heart.
I have seen the tears
And I have heard your cries.
You may thought that I have left you,
But that is untrue.
Understand the enemy is hard at work.
He wants to fool you into feeling
unloved,
unimportant,
and worst of all....
like trash on the side of the road.
Is that what you believe?
Have you seen evidence of those things
from Me?
My child,
Let me give you a book.
In this book, you will see the truth.
It will show the enemy at face value.
It will tell you what I really feel for you.
Take a look around.
What do you have to fear?
No one is in this room to hurt you.
It's just you and Me.
It's always been you and Me.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
What Are You Waiting For?
For those that know me, they know that I have been pretty frustrated with my line of work for some time now. I am grateful for the job, of course, but I've finally accepted that I was never meant to be a sales person. Although, God blessed me with this work, I do believe His intentions were to basically use it as something to help me get back on my feet after my divorce.
I have been pet sitting here and there and I finally came to the conclusion that this is what I want to do for money. I care about animals and their well being and I want to give pet parents the peace of mind while they are away that their furry, feathered, or scaley friend is in good hands. But something horrifying (well...I am being a little dramatic about it) happened and my confidence packed it's bags and started running.
This morning I was feeling a little lazy and decided to get on Facebook. Actually, I am addicted and need help but that's a whole other blog. As I was scrolling down the wall, I come across a friends' post with a picture advertising cleaning services and....may I gulp....pet sitting services as well. There I was staring at her card thinking, "This was suppose to be my baby!" After the initial shock, doubt, worry, fear of failure, and a multitude of other thoughts flooded in and that's when God spoke to me.
I had ordered some business cards and they arrived last week. Being the situation controller I am, I decided to wait to pass them out on my next day off. By seeing that post, God made me realize that when you wait too long to fulfill your (and His) dreams, someone else may come along and take what's meant to be yours. After all, God does have a plan for winning souls to Him and He calls each of us to perform certain tasks. If we are unwilling or waiting for OUR time to do what needs to be done, He will simply find someone else to do it. And personally, I really don't want to miss out on what God has in store with this venture.
"I went by the field of the lazy man, and by the vineyard of the man devoid of understanding; and there it was, all overgrown with thorns; its surface was covered with nettles; its stone wall was broken down. When I saw it, I considered it well; I looked on it and received instruction: A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest; so shall your poverty come like a prowler, and your need like an armed man." Proverbs 23:30-40
There it is. That's me right there. I wait and because I wait, things become out of control and I find myself desperate to get what I need. I sometimes get overwhelmed in thought about all that needs to be done and I am tired before I even set out to do a thing. The result of this is that I end up not doing what I desire to do because in my head, I have already failed. We have to remember the devil is hard at work and will do what needs to be done to stop us from doing God's work. The devil wants us to fail but God wants us to succeed. The things we like to do, the desires in our hearts...they are not there for kicks and giggles. It's placed there by God so that we get a little push to take action as well as find joy in what we do. Joy equals working harding hard to produce the best results and if I would just do what I am suppose to do in a timely manner than there would be no need for desperation.
As much as the devil provides tools for failure, God gives us the tools and strength for success. My faith should remind me that God will take care of all the little details that are needed to make my business grow. As long as I am willing to follow His direction, I have no need to fear competition or worry that it will flop.
"And He said to them, "Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some." So they cast, and now they were not able to draw it in because of the multitude of fish." John 21:6
I have been pet sitting here and there and I finally came to the conclusion that this is what I want to do for money. I care about animals and their well being and I want to give pet parents the peace of mind while they are away that their furry, feathered, or scaley friend is in good hands. But something horrifying (well...I am being a little dramatic about it) happened and my confidence packed it's bags and started running.
This morning I was feeling a little lazy and decided to get on Facebook. Actually, I am addicted and need help but that's a whole other blog. As I was scrolling down the wall, I come across a friends' post with a picture advertising cleaning services and....may I gulp....pet sitting services as well. There I was staring at her card thinking, "This was suppose to be my baby!" After the initial shock, doubt, worry, fear of failure, and a multitude of other thoughts flooded in and that's when God spoke to me.
I had ordered some business cards and they arrived last week. Being the situation controller I am, I decided to wait to pass them out on my next day off. By seeing that post, God made me realize that when you wait too long to fulfill your (and His) dreams, someone else may come along and take what's meant to be yours. After all, God does have a plan for winning souls to Him and He calls each of us to perform certain tasks. If we are unwilling or waiting for OUR time to do what needs to be done, He will simply find someone else to do it. And personally, I really don't want to miss out on what God has in store with this venture.
"I went by the field of the lazy man, and by the vineyard of the man devoid of understanding; and there it was, all overgrown with thorns; its surface was covered with nettles; its stone wall was broken down. When I saw it, I considered it well; I looked on it and received instruction: A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest; so shall your poverty come like a prowler, and your need like an armed man." Proverbs 23:30-40
There it is. That's me right there. I wait and because I wait, things become out of control and I find myself desperate to get what I need. I sometimes get overwhelmed in thought about all that needs to be done and I am tired before I even set out to do a thing. The result of this is that I end up not doing what I desire to do because in my head, I have already failed. We have to remember the devil is hard at work and will do what needs to be done to stop us from doing God's work. The devil wants us to fail but God wants us to succeed. The things we like to do, the desires in our hearts...they are not there for kicks and giggles. It's placed there by God so that we get a little push to take action as well as find joy in what we do. Joy equals working harding hard to produce the best results and if I would just do what I am suppose to do in a timely manner than there would be no need for desperation.
As much as the devil provides tools for failure, God gives us the tools and strength for success. My faith should remind me that God will take care of all the little details that are needed to make my business grow. As long as I am willing to follow His direction, I have no need to fear competition or worry that it will flop.
"And He said to them, "Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some." So they cast, and now they were not able to draw it in because of the multitude of fish." John 21:6
Friday, September 28, 2012
Duck Crossing
As I was driving to Celebrate Recovery this evening, I almost took out a family of ducks. Anyone who knows me knows what an animal lover I am and would've been devestated if I had. Luckily, I swerved out of the way and was able to not snuff them out in ducky manslaughter.
I continued driving but in a slow manner keeping my eye on them in the rearview mirror to make sure they crossed the road safely and then, with my heart still beating and my mind still trying to grasp what had just happened, I prayed. Yes....I prayed for the little family of ducks to make it safely all they way to where they were going.
A lesson came to mind much later on in the evening while I was doing some grocery shopping. I kept thinking about these ducks and how the mama duck protected her young. There they were, minding their own business, trying to get across the way with this challenge of not getting run over. The mama duck was in front and her ducklings were close together behind her. She saw me coming and when she jumped back and ceased, so did the ducklings. When she saw it was safe to cross, she looked at her ducklings, gave the ok, and they followed their mama trusting they were safely going to cross that street. And not only did they follow her, they followed CLOSELY behind her.
God takes the lead in everything we do and He will get us safely to where we need to go as long as we follow closely behind Him. But at times we will be faced with and placed in some pretty potential harmful situations. Again...all we have to do is follow God's lead very closely and He will get us through safely. I could've easily hit any of those ducklings if they hadn't kept an eye on their mama and just kept going. If we don't keep an eye on God's lead, we run the risk of getting hit and recovery may be very difficult if not impossible.
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8
I continued driving but in a slow manner keeping my eye on them in the rearview mirror to make sure they crossed the road safely and then, with my heart still beating and my mind still trying to grasp what had just happened, I prayed. Yes....I prayed for the little family of ducks to make it safely all they way to where they were going.
A lesson came to mind much later on in the evening while I was doing some grocery shopping. I kept thinking about these ducks and how the mama duck protected her young. There they were, minding their own business, trying to get across the way with this challenge of not getting run over. The mama duck was in front and her ducklings were close together behind her. She saw me coming and when she jumped back and ceased, so did the ducklings. When she saw it was safe to cross, she looked at her ducklings, gave the ok, and they followed their mama trusting they were safely going to cross that street. And not only did they follow her, they followed CLOSELY behind her.
God takes the lead in everything we do and He will get us safely to where we need to go as long as we follow closely behind Him. But at times we will be faced with and placed in some pretty potential harmful situations. Again...all we have to do is follow God's lead very closely and He will get us through safely. I could've easily hit any of those ducklings if they hadn't kept an eye on their mama and just kept going. If we don't keep an eye on God's lead, we run the risk of getting hit and recovery may be very difficult if not impossible.
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Tiny As A Mustard Seed....Mighty As A Mountain
I am doing a little Bible study in a book called Birds in My Mustard Tree. It's about having faith like a mustard seed and last night's lesson was about doing big things with very little. It brought up the parable of feeding the 5000 (which was ironic because my friend reminded me of this story last night no more than an hour or so before I studied this) and there was this part that really touched me.
"I have compassion on the multitude, because they have now continued with Me three days and have nothing to eat. And if I send them away hungry to their own houses, they will faint on the way; for some of them have come from afar." Mark 8:2-3
I laid there flat on my back on my bed, one dog with his head on my leg and the other sprawled on my Bible. I pondered this verse for a little while and thought, "How fitting."
We all have a journey. Some of us have come a long way and then are saved because Jesus takes compassion on us. But He certainly will not allow us to continue on the journey hungry for if we do no have enough to hold us over, we can falter, grow tired, angry, and finally just lie down somewhere to give up. So God gives us what we need to make it to our first stop and then some more to get us to the next stop and He continues to give as we go along so we do not give up the journey even when we are tired.
"So they ate and they were filled....." Mark 8:8
You may get hungry again but God will always be there to fill you up again. All we have to do is accept His gift and thank Him for His help to keep us going.
"I have compassion on the multitude, because they have now continued with Me three days and have nothing to eat. And if I send them away hungry to their own houses, they will faint on the way; for some of them have come from afar." Mark 8:2-3
I laid there flat on my back on my bed, one dog with his head on my leg and the other sprawled on my Bible. I pondered this verse for a little while and thought, "How fitting."
We all have a journey. Some of us have come a long way and then are saved because Jesus takes compassion on us. But He certainly will not allow us to continue on the journey hungry for if we do no have enough to hold us over, we can falter, grow tired, angry, and finally just lie down somewhere to give up. So God gives us what we need to make it to our first stop and then some more to get us to the next stop and He continues to give as we go along so we do not give up the journey even when we are tired.
"So they ate and they were filled....." Mark 8:8
You may get hungry again but God will always be there to fill you up again. All we have to do is accept His gift and thank Him for His help to keep us going.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Summertime in Florida means several things. Humidity, poofy hair because of humidity, the best fruit, many visits to the beach, uninvited buggy visitors, and grass growing like no tomorrow... especially the weeds.
I looked out into my little yard this evening and shook my head. "Didn't I just pull all those weeds?" It couldn't of been more than a few weeks and it already looks like a jungle out there! The dogs and I peered through the patio window in disbelief over the overgrown mess. A few hours later, we went outside for their nightly bathroom ritual and I looked around at all the work I have to do and then I started thinking....
Oh how sin can be so much like the weeds. At first it doesn't seem so bad but if you don't keep up with it and remove it, then before you know it you have a jungle full of sin and many hours ahead of you getting yourself cleaned back up. If we just spend a little time everyday with our "Gardner," He will keep us looking beautiful and clean.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
I looked out into my little yard this evening and shook my head. "Didn't I just pull all those weeds?" It couldn't of been more than a few weeks and it already looks like a jungle out there! The dogs and I peered through the patio window in disbelief over the overgrown mess. A few hours later, we went outside for their nightly bathroom ritual and I looked around at all the work I have to do and then I started thinking....
Oh how sin can be so much like the weeds. At first it doesn't seem so bad but if you don't keep up with it and remove it, then before you know it you have a jungle full of sin and many hours ahead of you getting yourself cleaned back up. If we just spend a little time everyday with our "Gardner," He will keep us looking beautiful and clean.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Black Out Praise
Today a friend and I went to the opening of a new church in Sarasota. As we were worshipping, the electricity decided to go out and the band did their best to keep the worship going. It was amazing how everyone in the crowd helped them along and kept singing despite the fact we were in the dark for a few moments.
I always had a hard time understanding the concept of praising God even in the darkest moments and today it finally sunk in. We were literally praising God in the dark today and I now see I need to be praising Him in the dark moments of my life. The electricity was only out for but a brief moment and we were able to continue singing and worshipping like nothing had happened. Life works the same way....one moment you are moving along fine and then something happens that leaves you in the dark for a little bit. Fortunately, the lights aren't out forever and God works to turn our electricity back on so that we may continue on.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
.....even in the dark.
I always had a hard time understanding the concept of praising God even in the darkest moments and today it finally sunk in. We were literally praising God in the dark today and I now see I need to be praising Him in the dark moments of my life. The electricity was only out for but a brief moment and we were able to continue singing and worshipping like nothing had happened. Life works the same way....one moment you are moving along fine and then something happens that leaves you in the dark for a little bit. Fortunately, the lights aren't out forever and God works to turn our electricity back on so that we may continue on.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
.....even in the dark.
Monday, September 3, 2012
And One Day He Did
Saturday evening I attended church service and my lovely friend gave a sermon titled, "One Day." Her sermon was based upon the story of the man who was unable to walk and hung out near the gate called Beautiful begging for money until one day, Jesus healed him and he was finally able to walk after so many years. He went about the town praising with glee and many were amazed by what they saw.
This sermon has stayed in my head and this evening I was brought back to my "One Day." In a few months, it will be two years that I sat in my apartment alone, lost, and confused....crying out to God He had one last chance to fix it all. And One Day He did.
Just like the crippled man, I was crippled by my past, my fears, my shortcoming, my anger, my guilt, my shame and my sin. Jesus brought me to the place where I would find forgiveness and freedom and I too danced with glee for all to see what He has done for me. But somewhere along the way, my praise fizzled out and I became lost again. I was half in the light and half in the dark. I had this new found freedom but just like a captive animal set free....I wasn't sure where to go or what to do. Along the way, I have had my moments where I was able to share my story....but for some reason, it didn't seem enough. Although in the moment I was applaused for my transparency, I still felt overlooked. But the truth was, I wasn't the one that was overlooked. It was God. And I was the one walking past Him.
The things I have done so far weren't enough because I hadn't made God enough. What more did I and do I really need? In January of 2011, I opened my heart long enough for God to come in and start a power in me that would take over and take me away from the old me that was living in misery and pain and bring me to place of love and opportunity. In One Day and in One Moment, He took over for I didn't have enough strength to continue...and I knew it. And even when I felt the moment fizzle out, God continued Everyday to save me, wait for me, and follow me around so that I may find who I really am.
"It is in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for." Ephesians 1:11
Ministry isn't something we do or a place we have to be at. It's something that lies within us. Something that we allow out so others may take notice and desire what we have.
Do I question my purpose? All the time, but I have come to the point where I have no need to worry about such a thing. He has already used me so I doubt He is finished with me.
"...It's a wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." Phillipians 4:6-7
This sermon has stayed in my head and this evening I was brought back to my "One Day." In a few months, it will be two years that I sat in my apartment alone, lost, and confused....crying out to God He had one last chance to fix it all. And One Day He did.
Just like the crippled man, I was crippled by my past, my fears, my shortcoming, my anger, my guilt, my shame and my sin. Jesus brought me to the place where I would find forgiveness and freedom and I too danced with glee for all to see what He has done for me. But somewhere along the way, my praise fizzled out and I became lost again. I was half in the light and half in the dark. I had this new found freedom but just like a captive animal set free....I wasn't sure where to go or what to do. Along the way, I have had my moments where I was able to share my story....but for some reason, it didn't seem enough. Although in the moment I was applaused for my transparency, I still felt overlooked. But the truth was, I wasn't the one that was overlooked. It was God. And I was the one walking past Him.
The things I have done so far weren't enough because I hadn't made God enough. What more did I and do I really need? In January of 2011, I opened my heart long enough for God to come in and start a power in me that would take over and take me away from the old me that was living in misery and pain and bring me to place of love and opportunity. In One Day and in One Moment, He took over for I didn't have enough strength to continue...and I knew it. And even when I felt the moment fizzle out, God continued Everyday to save me, wait for me, and follow me around so that I may find who I really am.
"It is in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for." Ephesians 1:11
Ministry isn't something we do or a place we have to be at. It's something that lies within us. Something that we allow out so others may take notice and desire what we have.
Do I question my purpose? All the time, but I have come to the point where I have no need to worry about such a thing. He has already used me so I doubt He is finished with me.
"...It's a wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." Phillipians 4:6-7
Sunday, August 19, 2012
You Bark Too Much
So I am sitting in Venue and as I was listening to the music, what pops in my head? My dog Miko. Yes....my dog. I swear there is a point to this.
I started thinking about his barking. His incessant barking. Loud, ear-piercing, and just never ending. I thought about how I am always telling him to be quiet when he barks and this is what played out in my head:
"Miko! Stop barking!"
"Be quiet!"
"Miko!"
"Quiet buddy!"
"There is nothing there!"
"Stop barking!"
"Miko!"
"Stop barking Theresa!"
"Quiet!"
"There is nothing there Theresa!"
"Theresa!"
"That's enough!"
"Quit it! And stop barking!"
Yeah....that's how it played out. So often I am telling my dog to be quiet because nothing is there and tonight as I sat in Venue Service....God was telling me the same thing. He was telling me to listen to Him and I can't do that if I keep barking. There are time where you just have to take a vow of silence, not voice your opinions and allow God to step in and take over.
"If you have been foolish in exalting yourself, Or if you have devised evil, put your hand on your mouth." Proverbs 30:32
Basically, shut it and listen up.
I started thinking about his barking. His incessant barking. Loud, ear-piercing, and just never ending. I thought about how I am always telling him to be quiet when he barks and this is what played out in my head:
"Miko! Stop barking!"
"Be quiet!"
"Miko!"
"Quiet buddy!"
"There is nothing there!"
"Stop barking!"
"Miko!"
"Stop barking Theresa!"
"Quiet!"
"There is nothing there Theresa!"
"Theresa!"
"That's enough!"
"Quit it! And stop barking!"
Yeah....that's how it played out. So often I am telling my dog to be quiet because nothing is there and tonight as I sat in Venue Service....God was telling me the same thing. He was telling me to listen to Him and I can't do that if I keep barking. There are time where you just have to take a vow of silence, not voice your opinions and allow God to step in and take over.
"If you have been foolish in exalting yourself, Or if you have devised evil, put your hand on your mouth." Proverbs 30:32
Basically, shut it and listen up.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
The Power Of Love
Love. What an obsession we seem to have with it. It's such a small word but it holds so much power. Books have been written about it. Movies have been made. Songs are sung about it and the foundation of God is about how much He loves us and what He was willing to do for us because of it as well as teaching us to show the same love to others in His name. He even says it's the greatest of all things:
" And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13
As I listened to the songs during worship today at church, every song mentioned love. The book I am reading is about how love can turn even the most endearing of people into villians. Love. We all crave it but many of us turn it away. Love can cause a damge so severe that it becomes unwanted. When we have it, we feel rich and when we lose it, we feel betrayed. Does love know it's the center of all things? Does it realize it can destroy just as easily it can build up?
Could I be so bold to admit that love defeated me? I opened myself up to it, felt it and then it was snatched from me like a vapor in the wind. My heart became void and vulnerable making it easy for the enemy to swoop in and plant fear, bitterness and suspicion deep within its' walls. In all honesty, I can understand how one could become callous when they have lost such a powerful force. I fear it and will not allow it in for I know what it can do. Why would I take a risk of feeling...that pain...that pain that broke my heart in two, leaving it unmendable. How could I ever trust love again?
As powerful as love is, people misuse it. They take advantage of it. They use it to trick others and they give little respect to the very thing for which all of life is based upon. Love. Do we really know the meaning of it? God gives us a direct defintion of it:
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
So simple yet we reject it, blame it, and set out to destroy it. And yet, even though it can leave us as empty shells, there is a little light hidden deep within us, just bright enough to hold out hope that love will return and make us whole again. A flame no bigger than a grain of sand but mighty enough to fight for it. Alert enough to watch out for it and strong enough to grab hold of it once again and never allowing it to escape.
Love. God created it so that we may know Him. The devil uses it to make us crumble. And as God does for all things, He gives us a choice about it. When love is put in front of you; will you accept it or will you turn it away? Will you embrace it or fear it? When the devil tries to use it against you, will you use it against him? Will it become your friend or your enemy? Love....
" And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13
As I listened to the songs during worship today at church, every song mentioned love. The book I am reading is about how love can turn even the most endearing of people into villians. Love. We all crave it but many of us turn it away. Love can cause a damge so severe that it becomes unwanted. When we have it, we feel rich and when we lose it, we feel betrayed. Does love know it's the center of all things? Does it realize it can destroy just as easily it can build up?
Could I be so bold to admit that love defeated me? I opened myself up to it, felt it and then it was snatched from me like a vapor in the wind. My heart became void and vulnerable making it easy for the enemy to swoop in and plant fear, bitterness and suspicion deep within its' walls. In all honesty, I can understand how one could become callous when they have lost such a powerful force. I fear it and will not allow it in for I know what it can do. Why would I take a risk of feeling...that pain...that pain that broke my heart in two, leaving it unmendable. How could I ever trust love again?
As powerful as love is, people misuse it. They take advantage of it. They use it to trick others and they give little respect to the very thing for which all of life is based upon. Love. Do we really know the meaning of it? God gives us a direct defintion of it:
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
So simple yet we reject it, blame it, and set out to destroy it. And yet, even though it can leave us as empty shells, there is a little light hidden deep within us, just bright enough to hold out hope that love will return and make us whole again. A flame no bigger than a grain of sand but mighty enough to fight for it. Alert enough to watch out for it and strong enough to grab hold of it once again and never allowing it to escape.
Love. God created it so that we may know Him. The devil uses it to make us crumble. And as God does for all things, He gives us a choice about it. When love is put in front of you; will you accept it or will you turn it away? Will you embrace it or fear it? When the devil tries to use it against you, will you use it against him? Will it become your friend or your enemy? Love....
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Meek Does Not Equal Doormat.
"Blessed are the meek, For they shall inerit the earth." Matthew 5:5
As I read this verse in my devotional last night, I started to ponder the words "meek" and "inherit". I know what they mean but I decided to look them up anyways to get a deeper understanding of the verse.
Meek: "Enduring injury with patience and without resentment."
Isn't that the way we try to live as Christians? We are often insulted, mocked, bullied, and ostracized and we endure this with forgiving and patient hearts....at least we are suppose to.
"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34
Inherit: "to come into possession of or receive especially as a right or divine portion"
God gives us our share of Heaven when we remain faithful to Him and follow Him. As I kept thinking about this verse, I couldn't help but laugh a little. I kept thinking of those movies where there is an underdog that everyone would push around but at the end of the movie, the underdog would come out on top and those who bullied him would be left in the dust with nothing but humiliation and bruised egos.
Being meek, it's hard define the difference between healthy boundaries and being a doormat. God's not telling us to allow others to push us around. I believe what He is saying is not to stoop to the other's level of insult and injury. They are lost souls in need of examples of love through us. But we also must protect ourselves and remove ourselves from any harmful situation that could tear us away from God, all while having the mindset of always praying for our enemies. We do not need to judge or "teach them a lesson." That's God's job. All we need to do is follow in God's teachings of how to live our lives....His way.
As I read this verse in my devotional last night, I started to ponder the words "meek" and "inherit". I know what they mean but I decided to look them up anyways to get a deeper understanding of the verse.
Meek: "Enduring injury with patience and without resentment."
Isn't that the way we try to live as Christians? We are often insulted, mocked, bullied, and ostracized and we endure this with forgiving and patient hearts....at least we are suppose to.
"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34
Inherit: "to come into possession of or receive especially as a right or divine portion"
God gives us our share of Heaven when we remain faithful to Him and follow Him. As I kept thinking about this verse, I couldn't help but laugh a little. I kept thinking of those movies where there is an underdog that everyone would push around but at the end of the movie, the underdog would come out on top and those who bullied him would be left in the dust with nothing but humiliation and bruised egos.
Being meek, it's hard define the difference between healthy boundaries and being a doormat. God's not telling us to allow others to push us around. I believe what He is saying is not to stoop to the other's level of insult and injury. They are lost souls in need of examples of love through us. But we also must protect ourselves and remove ourselves from any harmful situation that could tear us away from God, all while having the mindset of always praying for our enemies. We do not need to judge or "teach them a lesson." That's God's job. All we need to do is follow in God's teachings of how to live our lives....His way.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
To Forget You So Easily Is Impossible.
How do you do it?
How do you attempt to walk back into my life
Unknown to the pain you caused.
You say you are sorry.
You apologized for not being the man you were supposed to be.
I heard it all before
And the meaning is very little.
I asked for my heart back
And you gave it to me
But you must've stolen a little piece
Because I do not feel whole.
You asked how could I forget you so easily
When the truth is
There isn't a day that hasn't gone by where you weren't put in my thoughts
Even if it be for just a second.
I wish I could forget you so easily.
Just erase it all.
The good.
The bad.
Why couldn't it have been a bad dream?
My heart grows weary of you.
You opened that wound
And it stings more than ever.
Why?
How come?
What is it that you want?
I cry out to God
To take the pain of you away.
And yet you are still lingering here;
Taunting me with your words.
I cry out to God,
"Do I not belong to another?
Have you made no other for me?
Why does he lay in my mind?"
Don't make me blame you
For the fears that I have.
Because of you
I trust no other.
Because of you
I refuse to be loved.
Because of you
I see your kind as dangerous.
I have forgiven you
And I have released you
And I have released myself from the anger.
But you keep coming back
Right when you are about to fade.
To forget you so easily,
It is impossible.
For there is something that will keep us tied forever.
You have stolen a piece of my heart
And I am not whole.
Give me back what you have taken.
It's not yours.
Give it completely back.
Because it's suppose to belong to another.
God can't give him to me
Because I am not whole.
It's not fair
And it's not right.
Just let me go.
Allow me to trust.
Allow me to have someone come near me.
It will only be a fairy tale for me
Until I am whole.
How do you attempt to walk back into my life
Unknown to the pain you caused.
You say you are sorry.
You apologized for not being the man you were supposed to be.
I heard it all before
And the meaning is very little.
I asked for my heart back
And you gave it to me
But you must've stolen a little piece
Because I do not feel whole.
You asked how could I forget you so easily
When the truth is
There isn't a day that hasn't gone by where you weren't put in my thoughts
Even if it be for just a second.
I wish I could forget you so easily.
Just erase it all.
The good.
The bad.
Why couldn't it have been a bad dream?
My heart grows weary of you.
You opened that wound
And it stings more than ever.
Why?
How come?
What is it that you want?
I cry out to God
To take the pain of you away.
And yet you are still lingering here;
Taunting me with your words.
I cry out to God,
"Do I not belong to another?
Have you made no other for me?
Why does he lay in my mind?"
Don't make me blame you
For the fears that I have.
Because of you
I trust no other.
Because of you
I refuse to be loved.
Because of you
I see your kind as dangerous.
I have forgiven you
And I have released you
And I have released myself from the anger.
But you keep coming back
Right when you are about to fade.
To forget you so easily,
It is impossible.
For there is something that will keep us tied forever.
You have stolen a piece of my heart
And I am not whole.
Give me back what you have taken.
It's not yours.
Give it completely back.
Because it's suppose to belong to another.
God can't give him to me
Because I am not whole.
It's not fair
And it's not right.
Just let me go.
Allow me to trust.
Allow me to have someone come near me.
It will only be a fairy tale for me
Until I am whole.
Monday, July 23, 2012
One At A Time
I've limited my Facebook time tremendously because, and I am going to be blunt and honest, I was tired of logging on and going through a jealous bitter fit of rage over those who seem to be moving forward in their walk with God. It appeared all they had to do was wake up and bountiful blessings were poured upon them all the while I spend day in and day out doing the same...dam...thing. Not moving forward in anything but moving back.
Let me just lay it out for you:
1. I was told by my bosses last week that basically my sales techniques suck and I make the least amount of money for the company.
2. I have two...count them two...followers for my blog.
3. I get hopeful and excited about ministries that lead to dead ends.
4. With all due respect....I get tired of people saying what a great writer I am and how I will be successful when in reality...I am overlooked and the prospects aren't biting.
5. I am under the impression that there are certain people that take a look at me and think I have nothing to offer. Yes...I really do believe that sometimes.
Talk about feeling discouraged and hopless. I walked into church and recovery over a year ago believing I was an absolute zero who should've felt lucky to even be allowed to breathe. I haven't fully overcome some of these feelings, but I have come a long way and I am now moving into the next stage where I am just tryng to figure out where I fit into everything and anything in this life.
Finally it hit me. A reminder of how I started this journey kept popping up in my head. There I was in January of 2011, at my wits end and I just cried out to God. God got an ulitmatum that He either fixes it or leaves me alone. I had very few friends, most were far away, my family was far away, had no one to turn to, I was broke, alone, and scared. So night after night, it was me, my two dogs and a Bible Study workbook I found on the bookshelf, cuddled on the couch and spending at minimum an hour reading, studying, and praying. I desired to be SOOO close to God because my trust in mankind came to an end. For the first time in my life, I actually understood the words that lived in the Bible and I was overjoyed. How could the doors not be opened to that kind of devotion?
But somewhere along the way as I started to become involved in various activities and/or groups that kind of devotion slipped away and the doors began to shut. All the fears, anxieties, confusion, anger, bitterness, jealousy....all those things that had kept me from living before...started creeping back into my life and is slowly keeping me from living now.
Sometimes, doing the right thing can leave you a little sad because usually it's something you have to sacrifice in order to do right by God. I miss my family and as much as I plotted and planned like crazy to move closer to them; in my heart I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I have to stay here and it makes me sad not to be near them but it's what I need to do. Now I came to another sad sacrifice...holding back on writing. God has been calling me to come back and spend that time together like we once had. To Him that is more important than trying to figure out my writing career or even leadership at church. All that will be taken care of, but He needs my full and undivided attention at the moment. He wants me to understand something about myself and about Him so that I can be more effective in ministry later on. But right now....honestly....I can't give what I don't understand or have myself. He's not telling me to not have big dreams still. He just wants me to put them on hold.
Ministry has been simplified. I kept thinking I had to do everything on a large scale, but God has been telling me no. It's one person at a time. That's it. Working in retail, the majority of people I deal with are snarling, unsatisfied complainers so how hard would it be for me to give a pleasant smile to the cashier at Walmart who may be feeling defeated after having a hundred people just walk through her line giving her attitude, complaining about how they had to wait ten minutes, or griping about how high the prices are. One more dissatisfied customer could've thrown her over the edge but instead a smile saved her day, possibly giving her hope that not everyone out there is mean. Or how about sending a card to a friend who is blue? It's all simple. One at a time. That's what He wants me to do.
“Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you.” Mother Teresa
All those discouraged feelings I mentioned earlier....they are wrong. I am not inadequate. It doesn't matter if I am the most popular. My job doesn't define me as a person, it was my cue that I need to get out of sales. Two followers for my blog are two people that I hope are telling their friends about my work. A dead end for a writing career. More like on a coffee break so that I can get my relationship with God right again. Instead of being bewildered as to why people believe in me, continue to be grateful to those who do believe I can be successful and also believe the right people will come along to help my career begin. And for those I sense look at me and don't see a world changer....well, I was never made to impress them anyways. Besides, it's not about the masses. It's about the ONE.
Discouragement, fear, anxiety...any negative feeling is personalized by the devil himself. He knows what buttons to push. Whenever you get those feelings remember that God doesn't talk to you in such a way. Only satan does. Take a step back, reevaluate everything and ask God to help you sort through these feelings and to tell you the truth.
Let me just lay it out for you:
1. I was told by my bosses last week that basically my sales techniques suck and I make the least amount of money for the company.
2. I have two...count them two...followers for my blog.
3. I get hopeful and excited about ministries that lead to dead ends.
4. With all due respect....I get tired of people saying what a great writer I am and how I will be successful when in reality...I am overlooked and the prospects aren't biting.
5. I am under the impression that there are certain people that take a look at me and think I have nothing to offer. Yes...I really do believe that sometimes.
Talk about feeling discouraged and hopless. I walked into church and recovery over a year ago believing I was an absolute zero who should've felt lucky to even be allowed to breathe. I haven't fully overcome some of these feelings, but I have come a long way and I am now moving into the next stage where I am just tryng to figure out where I fit into everything and anything in this life.
Finally it hit me. A reminder of how I started this journey kept popping up in my head. There I was in January of 2011, at my wits end and I just cried out to God. God got an ulitmatum that He either fixes it or leaves me alone. I had very few friends, most were far away, my family was far away, had no one to turn to, I was broke, alone, and scared. So night after night, it was me, my two dogs and a Bible Study workbook I found on the bookshelf, cuddled on the couch and spending at minimum an hour reading, studying, and praying. I desired to be SOOO close to God because my trust in mankind came to an end. For the first time in my life, I actually understood the words that lived in the Bible and I was overjoyed. How could the doors not be opened to that kind of devotion?
But somewhere along the way as I started to become involved in various activities and/or groups that kind of devotion slipped away and the doors began to shut. All the fears, anxieties, confusion, anger, bitterness, jealousy....all those things that had kept me from living before...started creeping back into my life and is slowly keeping me from living now.
Sometimes, doing the right thing can leave you a little sad because usually it's something you have to sacrifice in order to do right by God. I miss my family and as much as I plotted and planned like crazy to move closer to them; in my heart I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I have to stay here and it makes me sad not to be near them but it's what I need to do. Now I came to another sad sacrifice...holding back on writing. God has been calling me to come back and spend that time together like we once had. To Him that is more important than trying to figure out my writing career or even leadership at church. All that will be taken care of, but He needs my full and undivided attention at the moment. He wants me to understand something about myself and about Him so that I can be more effective in ministry later on. But right now....honestly....I can't give what I don't understand or have myself. He's not telling me to not have big dreams still. He just wants me to put them on hold.
Ministry has been simplified. I kept thinking I had to do everything on a large scale, but God has been telling me no. It's one person at a time. That's it. Working in retail, the majority of people I deal with are snarling, unsatisfied complainers so how hard would it be for me to give a pleasant smile to the cashier at Walmart who may be feeling defeated after having a hundred people just walk through her line giving her attitude, complaining about how they had to wait ten minutes, or griping about how high the prices are. One more dissatisfied customer could've thrown her over the edge but instead a smile saved her day, possibly giving her hope that not everyone out there is mean. Or how about sending a card to a friend who is blue? It's all simple. One at a time. That's what He wants me to do.
“Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you.” Mother Teresa
All those discouraged feelings I mentioned earlier....they are wrong. I am not inadequate. It doesn't matter if I am the most popular. My job doesn't define me as a person, it was my cue that I need to get out of sales. Two followers for my blog are two people that I hope are telling their friends about my work. A dead end for a writing career. More like on a coffee break so that I can get my relationship with God right again. Instead of being bewildered as to why people believe in me, continue to be grateful to those who do believe I can be successful and also believe the right people will come along to help my career begin. And for those I sense look at me and don't see a world changer....well, I was never made to impress them anyways. Besides, it's not about the masses. It's about the ONE.
Discouragement, fear, anxiety...any negative feeling is personalized by the devil himself. He knows what buttons to push. Whenever you get those feelings remember that God doesn't talk to you in such a way. Only satan does. Take a step back, reevaluate everything and ask God to help you sort through these feelings and to tell you the truth.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
A Perfect Fit
What a hot day so far and I spent the morning greeting people in and saying goodbye on the way out, so it was understandable if I needed to cool down in the comforts of my apartment afterwards and flip on the TV. I have been getting free HBO and just my luck, the movie Dolphin Tale was on. I have never seen it before and caught the last hour of it, and from what I saw....I was inspired. I went on the website seewinter.com and learned a little bit about this amazing dolphin named Winter.
She was found caught in a crab trap. Due to the entanglement, the blood supply to her tail was cut off which eventually led to the loss of her tail. A prosthetic tail was made for her and she was able to go on and live life as normally as a dolphin possibly could. But what really caught my attention in her story was that Winter had learned to swim with a side to side motion instead of an up and down motion. Vets became worried because they felt this could damage her spine and paralysis seem enevitable if nothing was done to help her.
Why did that tidbit fascinate me? It got me thinking about how we get caught in traps (sin) and then we are saved (by God) but sometimes our blood supply gets cut off and we lose a part of ourselves. We cope by learning to manage with whatever methods we can find. A part of our personality or character becomes flawed, generally understood at first but in the long run it can cause permanent damage and we are unable to enjoy the God-filled life we are intended to have. For example, a heart broken one too many times leads us to be cautious about relationships with the opposite sex which leads to overexamining them which leads us to pushing anyone and everyone away because we are afraid of getting hurt. We cope by building a wall that eventually is too high and we may never enjoy the happiness of a spouse that God desired for us. But there is good news!
In the story, there were many prosthetics developed for Winter until finally they came up with a perfect fit for her. She rejected them at first until a comfortable gel-like substance that fit with ease over her stump and give her the mobility needed to be a normal dolphin. After much practice, Winter was able to go back to the up and down motions saving herself from any future complications with her spine.
Although a part of us may have become damaged in our sin, God will come in and replace what's missing with something that will help us to get back to a normal life as possible and become functional as if nothing bad had ever happened in the first place. In fact, He uses that damage to inspire others. To give them hope. To prove that life adapts and is capable of continuing on when we allow a solution to take place. We sometimes resist at first, but if we continue to allow God to keep working on us, we will eventually be able to find a perfect fit and live a good life.
Winter's tail will always be a stump. Our hurts, habits, and hang ups will always be a part of us. Winter now has a tool to help her swim properly regardless of her stump. We have a tool too to help us thrive regardless of our past.
"For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raieses the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9
She was found caught in a crab trap. Due to the entanglement, the blood supply to her tail was cut off which eventually led to the loss of her tail. A prosthetic tail was made for her and she was able to go on and live life as normally as a dolphin possibly could. But what really caught my attention in her story was that Winter had learned to swim with a side to side motion instead of an up and down motion. Vets became worried because they felt this could damage her spine and paralysis seem enevitable if nothing was done to help her.
Why did that tidbit fascinate me? It got me thinking about how we get caught in traps (sin) and then we are saved (by God) but sometimes our blood supply gets cut off and we lose a part of ourselves. We cope by learning to manage with whatever methods we can find. A part of our personality or character becomes flawed, generally understood at first but in the long run it can cause permanent damage and we are unable to enjoy the God-filled life we are intended to have. For example, a heart broken one too many times leads us to be cautious about relationships with the opposite sex which leads to overexamining them which leads us to pushing anyone and everyone away because we are afraid of getting hurt. We cope by building a wall that eventually is too high and we may never enjoy the happiness of a spouse that God desired for us. But there is good news!
In the story, there were many prosthetics developed for Winter until finally they came up with a perfect fit for her. She rejected them at first until a comfortable gel-like substance that fit with ease over her stump and give her the mobility needed to be a normal dolphin. After much practice, Winter was able to go back to the up and down motions saving herself from any future complications with her spine.
Although a part of us may have become damaged in our sin, God will come in and replace what's missing with something that will help us to get back to a normal life as possible and become functional as if nothing bad had ever happened in the first place. In fact, He uses that damage to inspire others. To give them hope. To prove that life adapts and is capable of continuing on when we allow a solution to take place. We sometimes resist at first, but if we continue to allow God to keep working on us, we will eventually be able to find a perfect fit and live a good life.
Winter's tail will always be a stump. Our hurts, habits, and hang ups will always be a part of us. Winter now has a tool to help her swim properly regardless of her stump. We have a tool too to help us thrive regardless of our past.
"For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raieses the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Against The Wind
In the midst of Tropical Storm Debby, there was not much to do except to sit inside and watch Mother Nature have a minor hissy fit. As I sat there observing, a little white bird caught my attention. The winds, at its' highest, were going 60 mph and there was the little white bird, fighting and pushing forward against the winds. Anytime he made a little headway, the wind would just shove him back further and throw him around like a raggedy old toy. You can see the little white bird getting tired but he was determined to get to where he needed to go. With more might and more determination, the little white bird wasn't going to allow the storm to bully him and eventually made his way to where he needed to go.
We often hear we have "storms" in our lives. Storms that seems to pour down on us and with the wind against us, we fight our way through. We get tired and often want to give up and we think it to be impossible to find our way to where we need to be. We are able to take a few steps forward but then something happens to push us back even further than where we started. How frustrating it is to get through a storm. We get drenched, thrown around, our stuff flies everywhere, our hair is a blown mess, and by the time we do make our final destination, we are in shambles and disheveled leaving the better part of the evening to work on getting ourselves back in order.
But then there are times we get through a storm smoothly. The rain is falling and at first we feel the effects of it but then a cab comes along to pick us up and we ride through that storm with ease getting to our destination barely ruffled.
It's as simple as that. The storm comes....get in God's cab and let Him take you through it with as little inconvience as possible.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2
We often hear we have "storms" in our lives. Storms that seems to pour down on us and with the wind against us, we fight our way through. We get tired and often want to give up and we think it to be impossible to find our way to where we need to be. We are able to take a few steps forward but then something happens to push us back even further than where we started. How frustrating it is to get through a storm. We get drenched, thrown around, our stuff flies everywhere, our hair is a blown mess, and by the time we do make our final destination, we are in shambles and disheveled leaving the better part of the evening to work on getting ourselves back in order.
But then there are times we get through a storm smoothly. The rain is falling and at first we feel the effects of it but then a cab comes along to pick us up and we ride through that storm with ease getting to our destination barely ruffled.
It's as simple as that. The storm comes....get in God's cab and let Him take you through it with as little inconvience as possible.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2
Monday, June 25, 2012
I Say I Can't....For Some Reason, You Say I Can
"Then Moses said to the Lord, 'Oh my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.'" So the Lord said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Or who makes the mute, the deaf, the seeing, or the blind? Have not I, the Lord? Now therefore, go, and I will be with our mouth and teach you what you shall say." But he said, "Oh my Lord, please send by the hand of whomever else You may send." Exodus 4:10-13
Poor Moses. God gave him a great opportunity, more like a calling, and all Moses could do is think up excuses of why he is incapable of carrying out God's request.
I know how Moses must've felt. To begin with, Moses had a past. He was basically adopted, found out where he really came from, killed a man, and ran away from it all. So for him to think that God was asking the wrong person to fulfill this mission of His is understandable. Even after God said he would help him, Moses still tried to wiggle his way out of the job. But Moses did have something no one else contained for this mission. Moses had familiarity. He knew who he was going to have to deal with, he knew the area, the circumstances, and he knew both sides of the story as an adopted Egyptian and a Jew.
Moses using his inability to be persuasive with speech is just a simple way of him saying to God, "After all that has happened, after all that I have been through, and after all that I have done, why would anyone want to listen to me?" Moses didn't feel he had it in him to persuade not only his own people but a pharoah! This was going to be too big for what he thought he could do.
The majority of time, I feel such inadequency. "Who am I to carry out such a big plan God?" I find it so easy to make excuses of why I can't instead of trusting that God will show me how. Just like Moses, my speaking talents are next to nil. I get nervous, forget what I have to say and I'm like a little chihuahua that pees when startled. (Just for the record; I do not pee myself when I get nervous). Other excuses I've used:
First of all, God doesn't think any of the things that we make ourselves believe. That job belongs to Satan and (unfortunately) he's pretty good at his job. Second of all, follow through with the above verse:
"So the anger of the Lord was kindled against Moses, and He said; 'Is not Aaron the Levite your brother? I know that he can speak well. And look, he is also coming out to meet you. When he sees you, he will be glad in his heart. Now you shall speak to him and put the words in his mouth. And I will be with your mouth and with his mouth, and I will teach you what you shall do. So he shall be your spokesman to the people. And he himself shall be as a mouth for you, and you shall be to him as God." Exodus 4:14-16
God has a solution to all the problems we think there are to God's plan. So what if Moses couldn't speak well, but Aaron could. All he needed to do was tell him what to say.
We think God is asking us to do this job alone and perfect but He is not. We need help to carry out His plan and He will teach us in the areas we are weak so that we may follow through. He already has all the people lined up in all the situations needed to fulfill the mission. All you have to do is what God asks you to do. Nothing more and nothing less.
Poor Moses. God gave him a great opportunity, more like a calling, and all Moses could do is think up excuses of why he is incapable of carrying out God's request.
I know how Moses must've felt. To begin with, Moses had a past. He was basically adopted, found out where he really came from, killed a man, and ran away from it all. So for him to think that God was asking the wrong person to fulfill this mission of His is understandable. Even after God said he would help him, Moses still tried to wiggle his way out of the job. But Moses did have something no one else contained for this mission. Moses had familiarity. He knew who he was going to have to deal with, he knew the area, the circumstances, and he knew both sides of the story as an adopted Egyptian and a Jew.
Moses using his inability to be persuasive with speech is just a simple way of him saying to God, "After all that has happened, after all that I have been through, and after all that I have done, why would anyone want to listen to me?" Moses didn't feel he had it in him to persuade not only his own people but a pharoah! This was going to be too big for what he thought he could do.
The majority of time, I feel such inadequency. "Who am I to carry out such a big plan God?" I find it so easy to make excuses of why I can't instead of trusting that God will show me how. Just like Moses, my speaking talents are next to nil. I get nervous, forget what I have to say and I'm like a little chihuahua that pees when startled. (Just for the record; I do not pee myself when I get nervous). Other excuses I've used:
- I'm not smart enough.
- I don't have enough money.
- I'm not popular.
- I'm not pretty enough.
- I'm not tech savvy like most people.
- Look what I've done and where I've been.
First of all, God doesn't think any of the things that we make ourselves believe. That job belongs to Satan and (unfortunately) he's pretty good at his job. Second of all, follow through with the above verse:
"So the anger of the Lord was kindled against Moses, and He said; 'Is not Aaron the Levite your brother? I know that he can speak well. And look, he is also coming out to meet you. When he sees you, he will be glad in his heart. Now you shall speak to him and put the words in his mouth. And I will be with your mouth and with his mouth, and I will teach you what you shall do. So he shall be your spokesman to the people. And he himself shall be as a mouth for you, and you shall be to him as God." Exodus 4:14-16
God has a solution to all the problems we think there are to God's plan. So what if Moses couldn't speak well, but Aaron could. All he needed to do was tell him what to say.
We think God is asking us to do this job alone and perfect but He is not. We need help to carry out His plan and He will teach us in the areas we are weak so that we may follow through. He already has all the people lined up in all the situations needed to fulfill the mission. All you have to do is what God asks you to do. Nothing more and nothing less.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Curb Appeal
A few weeks ago as I was driving home from church, I saw this turtle on the side of the road walking along the curb trying to find a way to get back to the water. Of course, he needed a hero, so I made a u-turn and looked where I could park safely and get him back to the pond but by the time I made my way around, he was gone. I had seen a man on a bicycle so I assumed he saved the day and got the turtle back to where he needed to be. I went on my way and didn't think too much more about it until today.
I went to Celebrate Recovery, as I do every Friday evening, but decided to go home after the meeting because I was feeling a little tired. As I was driving, I passed by where I originally saw the turtle and started to think about him and what he must of felt while on the side of the road. Lost and confused....all he wanted was to get to a safe place but wasn't even sure he was going to make it.
So there I was, sympathizing with this turtle. How often have I felt that way? Well I can say I feel that way right now. Here I am, traveling on the side of the road unable to find the strength to get up over that curb and to where I need to be. I feel alone and scared. I question how I even got here in the first place. Staying as close as I can to the curb so that I don't get harmed by all the hustle and bustle that is going alongside of me, I am wondering if someone will come along to pick me up and at least place me up over that curb so that I can continue onto my destination.
But then I remember, that is why I go to places like Celebrate Recovery. That's why I tell my deepest secrets to my closest friends. That is why I join small groups through my church (Bayside) and that is why I write these things...to find the answers to my questions and hopefully answer yours as well. All these things combined is a supernatural strength breathed by God to push me up over that curb so that I may be on my way.
"Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I m your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
I went to Celebrate Recovery, as I do every Friday evening, but decided to go home after the meeting because I was feeling a little tired. As I was driving, I passed by where I originally saw the turtle and started to think about him and what he must of felt while on the side of the road. Lost and confused....all he wanted was to get to a safe place but wasn't even sure he was going to make it.
So there I was, sympathizing with this turtle. How often have I felt that way? Well I can say I feel that way right now. Here I am, traveling on the side of the road unable to find the strength to get up over that curb and to where I need to be. I feel alone and scared. I question how I even got here in the first place. Staying as close as I can to the curb so that I don't get harmed by all the hustle and bustle that is going alongside of me, I am wondering if someone will come along to pick me up and at least place me up over that curb so that I can continue onto my destination.
But then I remember, that is why I go to places like Celebrate Recovery. That's why I tell my deepest secrets to my closest friends. That is why I join small groups through my church (Bayside) and that is why I write these things...to find the answers to my questions and hopefully answer yours as well. All these things combined is a supernatural strength breathed by God to push me up over that curb so that I may be on my way.
"Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I m your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
Sunday, June 10, 2012
A Wish List For God
I hear that if you believe and have faith, God will make your dreams come true. And not only will He make them come true, He will give you more than you could ever imagine. So here it goes.....
Dear God,
Here is my wish list:
1. I want to be a writer. I don't care about being rich or famous but it would be nice to sustain a comfortable living. Although I am grateful for a job, retail isn't exactly how I want to spend the rest of my life.
2. I would love to donate. I already got the animal shelter down, but they can use more help. So can a mental health organization, and sponsoring someone at church who can't afford a retreat or missions trip would be nice too.
3. You know I am not materialistic but I do miss my beautiful beautiful truck. Actually an SUV would be better. That way I can make a comfortable area for the dogs and we can travel around the country writing stories based on what we see and then making our way to CA to spend time with the family. I can sleep in the truck as I am sure Tracy will not allow the dogs to sleep in her home. Maybe You can work with her about that.
4. Owning a home again would be great! I would love to foster everything from birds to reptiles until they find a forever home.
5. An opportunity to spend long weekends volunteering at various shelters would be awesome. Then write about the experiences.
6. Pet therapy for the elderly. How great would it be to bring a furry, feathered, or scaley visitor to brighten their day?
7. I would love to get married again. But Lord, I only want someone who has the same heart for You as I do. Less is not acceptable.
8. If any of these dreams are not meant to be....how about helping me to find a way to visit my father's grave. I would like to see it at least once in my lifetime.
I understand that there is nothing that is too small or too big for you God. These are the things that are laying on my heart. And to be honest Lord, I am need for a little dream come true. It may appear there is quite a bit of selfishness, but I gaurantee it's all to be used for Your glory. The thing is, I can't do anything on my own. I get overwhelmed so easily and lose focus too quickly and fear and anxiety are holding me hostage. I need help. I need help with motivation and I need help with direction. So please help me. Thank you for helping me:
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Theresa, your tattooed Princess.
Dear God,
Here is my wish list:
1. I want to be a writer. I don't care about being rich or famous but it would be nice to sustain a comfortable living. Although I am grateful for a job, retail isn't exactly how I want to spend the rest of my life.
2. I would love to donate. I already got the animal shelter down, but they can use more help. So can a mental health organization, and sponsoring someone at church who can't afford a retreat or missions trip would be nice too.
3. You know I am not materialistic but I do miss my beautiful beautiful truck. Actually an SUV would be better. That way I can make a comfortable area for the dogs and we can travel around the country writing stories based on what we see and then making our way to CA to spend time with the family. I can sleep in the truck as I am sure Tracy will not allow the dogs to sleep in her home. Maybe You can work with her about that.
4. Owning a home again would be great! I would love to foster everything from birds to reptiles until they find a forever home.
5. An opportunity to spend long weekends volunteering at various shelters would be awesome. Then write about the experiences.
6. Pet therapy for the elderly. How great would it be to bring a furry, feathered, or scaley visitor to brighten their day?
7. I would love to get married again. But Lord, I only want someone who has the same heart for You as I do. Less is not acceptable.
8. If any of these dreams are not meant to be....how about helping me to find a way to visit my father's grave. I would like to see it at least once in my lifetime.
I understand that there is nothing that is too small or too big for you God. These are the things that are laying on my heart. And to be honest Lord, I am need for a little dream come true. It may appear there is quite a bit of selfishness, but I gaurantee it's all to be used for Your glory. The thing is, I can't do anything on my own. I get overwhelmed so easily and lose focus too quickly and fear and anxiety are holding me hostage. I need help. I need help with motivation and I need help with direction. So please help me. Thank you for helping me:
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Theresa, your tattooed Princess.
Dinosaur Of A Sin
Most of us have seen that movie Jurassic Park. And we all get a giggle during that part where the mathametician is on the back of the jeep hurt and the female paleantologist is driving like the wind to escape a Tyrannosauraus Rex chasing them. She looks in her mirror to see how far behind he is and, this is where we laugh a little bit, we see written on the mirror, "Objects May Appear Closer Than They Really Are," and we see a very close up version of a T-Rex causing her to panic a little and drive a little faster.
When we make a decision to live a new life in Jesus,we jump into our jeep and start driving away from the sin that is chasing us. We look into the sideview mirror and it seems to be right at our heels when really it's a lot farther away. The Devil uses this "tricky" mirror to make us believe we are not moving along too far when in fact we are maintaining quite a safe distance. All we need to do is keep driving to our destination. Resist looking in that "tricky" mirror and keep your eyes on the road ahead.
"Bretheren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 3:13-14
When we make a decision to live a new life in Jesus,we jump into our jeep and start driving away from the sin that is chasing us. We look into the sideview mirror and it seems to be right at our heels when really it's a lot farther away. The Devil uses this "tricky" mirror to make us believe we are not moving along too far when in fact we are maintaining quite a safe distance. All we need to do is keep driving to our destination. Resist looking in that "tricky" mirror and keep your eyes on the road ahead.
"Bretheren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 3:13-14
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
A Love Note
Ah love. We all want it and yet it seems like something that is difficult to attain. After following a few posts on Facebook and talking with a couple of friends, I finally started pondering a little harder about the subject of love, dating, and even the extra curricular activities that go along with it.
Since 14, I have been involved in one relationship after another. Some long term...many short lived. And if I wasn't in a relationship, I was spending my time in bed with too many too count....to be blunt and honest. Love for me has only existed in fairy tales. At times I thought I felt it, but it was nothing more than a cruel illusion made up by the devil himself. I've wanted it so bad for so long and it seems the harder I look for it, the easier it has become to miss. Many of my friends keep telling me to stop looking and they will come. My first thought was, "Well of course....you already have someone." But then I started to really pay attention to what they were saying and they all had something in common. They were trying to get away from their future significant others and yet they ended up with them.
Yes...that's right. They were all runners and I can understand that completely. Since I have been on this new journey of new life with God, my outlook on pretty much everything has changed. Dating and sex especially. It's been 1 1/2 years since I broke up with my last boyfriend and I went from being sexually active frequently to having sex twice in the past ten months. Although, I made a decision to refrain from sex, I am not beating myself up too bad for that. I mean frequently to twice in ten months?! Come on! Even I am proud of that! (I apologize for being so blunt and I am grateful to God for delivering me from such immorality even though, yes, I fell a couple of times). Anyways, I am looking for Mr. Right just like everyone else (well the boys are looking for Ms. Right), but I am also not going to settle.
I have become very aware of my patterns in looking for Mr. Right. When I first started going to church, I was the scoper. Oh yeah. I checked them all out thinking him and him and him and wait....they are all married or taken. Very humiliating flirting with someone you find out to be married later on. So I stopped that game and went to just scoping, no flirting. Best to be safe and not embarrass ourselves further. After awhile, as I was getting more comfortable at church and getting to know people, I went into the second phase of "I like you, but I won't tell you that I like you." Good thing too because pretty much all the guys I was showing interest in either didn't feel the same way (and you can always tell) or would ask for advice about other girls and there goes the heart sinking down to the gut. And then there are those that are interested in you but you don't seem to be interested in them. It all seems like one big cruel love triangle and no one comes out unscathed. So becoming a runner against love....absolutely do I understand it.
I finally got to the point where I threw my hands in the air and I kid you not, yelled out in my apartment, "I give up! Boys are weird!" I was ranting and raving to God telling Him I was done looking and I was done trying to get closer to someone I thought would be nice to go out with and I was just plain done. I have finally became content with being single and was going to enjoy it. I had told a couple of friends that I was giving up and they mentioned they did the same thing right before meeting their special someone. The first thing out of my mouth was,"That better not happen! I am going to be so mad if God brings me someone after I have finally embraced the single life."
Scoping? Sounds innocent but it really is a waste of your mental capabilities. If it doesn't seem to go beyond, "Hey, he's (she's) cute." then your focus was already too much off of God.
Dating? I don't think so. Let's go out on a few dates so that if it doesn't seem to work out there will be those awkward moments at church when you pass by eachother and know that whatever friendship you had has been compromised by....dating.
So basically it's left to one option. God will have to gift wrap him in a bright big red bow and plop him down on my doorstep with a card reading, "Dear Theresa, here he is. I grew him just for you. Love God."
My desire is to marry again, obviously, but as I mentioned before, I do not want to settle. I have come to terms with my single life so that I may enjoy my time in growing with God and becoming the person that He intended me to be. It's lonely at times and I miss the companionship but I also know I am not ready for a relationship just yet. Since beginning my adventure, I wanted nothing but God's best in my life. Why would a spouse be any different? And also, why wouldn't that person deserve the best in return? It's trust and faith in God that He will provide us with the best in everything in His timing.
"I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases." Songs of Solomon 2:7 (And this verse applies to the fellas too).
Since 14, I have been involved in one relationship after another. Some long term...many short lived. And if I wasn't in a relationship, I was spending my time in bed with too many too count....to be blunt and honest. Love for me has only existed in fairy tales. At times I thought I felt it, but it was nothing more than a cruel illusion made up by the devil himself. I've wanted it so bad for so long and it seems the harder I look for it, the easier it has become to miss. Many of my friends keep telling me to stop looking and they will come. My first thought was, "Well of course....you already have someone." But then I started to really pay attention to what they were saying and they all had something in common. They were trying to get away from their future significant others and yet they ended up with them.
Yes...that's right. They were all runners and I can understand that completely. Since I have been on this new journey of new life with God, my outlook on pretty much everything has changed. Dating and sex especially. It's been 1 1/2 years since I broke up with my last boyfriend and I went from being sexually active frequently to having sex twice in the past ten months. Although, I made a decision to refrain from sex, I am not beating myself up too bad for that. I mean frequently to twice in ten months?! Come on! Even I am proud of that! (I apologize for being so blunt and I am grateful to God for delivering me from such immorality even though, yes, I fell a couple of times). Anyways, I am looking for Mr. Right just like everyone else (well the boys are looking for Ms. Right), but I am also not going to settle.
I have become very aware of my patterns in looking for Mr. Right. When I first started going to church, I was the scoper. Oh yeah. I checked them all out thinking him and him and him and wait....they are all married or taken. Very humiliating flirting with someone you find out to be married later on. So I stopped that game and went to just scoping, no flirting. Best to be safe and not embarrass ourselves further. After awhile, as I was getting more comfortable at church and getting to know people, I went into the second phase of "I like you, but I won't tell you that I like you." Good thing too because pretty much all the guys I was showing interest in either didn't feel the same way (and you can always tell) or would ask for advice about other girls and there goes the heart sinking down to the gut. And then there are those that are interested in you but you don't seem to be interested in them. It all seems like one big cruel love triangle and no one comes out unscathed. So becoming a runner against love....absolutely do I understand it.
I finally got to the point where I threw my hands in the air and I kid you not, yelled out in my apartment, "I give up! Boys are weird!" I was ranting and raving to God telling Him I was done looking and I was done trying to get closer to someone I thought would be nice to go out with and I was just plain done. I have finally became content with being single and was going to enjoy it. I had told a couple of friends that I was giving up and they mentioned they did the same thing right before meeting their special someone. The first thing out of my mouth was,"That better not happen! I am going to be so mad if God brings me someone after I have finally embraced the single life."
Scoping? Sounds innocent but it really is a waste of your mental capabilities. If it doesn't seem to go beyond, "Hey, he's (she's) cute." then your focus was already too much off of God.
Dating? I don't think so. Let's go out on a few dates so that if it doesn't seem to work out there will be those awkward moments at church when you pass by eachother and know that whatever friendship you had has been compromised by....dating.
So basically it's left to one option. God will have to gift wrap him in a bright big red bow and plop him down on my doorstep with a card reading, "Dear Theresa, here he is. I grew him just for you. Love God."
My desire is to marry again, obviously, but as I mentioned before, I do not want to settle. I have come to terms with my single life so that I may enjoy my time in growing with God and becoming the person that He intended me to be. It's lonely at times and I miss the companionship but I also know I am not ready for a relationship just yet. Since beginning my adventure, I wanted nothing but God's best in my life. Why would a spouse be any different? And also, why wouldn't that person deserve the best in return? It's trust and faith in God that He will provide us with the best in everything in His timing.
"I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases." Songs of Solomon 2:7 (And this verse applies to the fellas too).
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Untitled
I'm wondering and waiting.
What it is that is in store for me.
Sometimes I think the answers are so clear
when really it just leads me down another rabbit hole.
How is it that this is happening?
You made a promise.
Do you intend to keep it?
Or are You just watching me make a fool of myself?
Yes, I do dare question this life You made for me.
I tried to be everything I thought You wanted me to be
and all I found was loneliness, frustration, and confusion.
And what about them?
They came and they went.
Just like the wind.
Like snow falling into fire.
Why are You making me go through this?
Sometimes I don't want to have any part of this
and sometimes I regret calling Your name.
Other times I am grateful.
A sinner still but sinning less.
You know what I do.
You are the only one that I can not hide from.
It should be enough
to not do such things
but when you have to live in this three-ring circus...
sometimes a person is driven to
wanting to forget that they have to be here in the first place.
What is it exactly that I am working towards?
Why do I have to keep asking the same questions
over and over and over once more?
The pieces do not fit.
I have tried forcing them,
studying them,
and placing them
where I think they belong.
But the picture remains unclear
and incorrect.
Yes....yes.....I understood when I started
that the journey was to be difficult
but I am tired right now.
I just need to sleep.
A little rest.
Let me rest in You.
Can I just sleep in Your arms?
Please just whisper in my ear
all the good things You promised.
Whisper it as I lay in Your arms.
I'm sorry for being angry with You so often,
but You have to understand...
I am scared.
You are so far away and
I am running
chasing after a star that is incapable of being caught.
Isn't it?
You are so right.
I can't do this alone.
How come it seems like I am?
Look at me.
Look at everything I just said.
None of it makes sense.
Please....please.....
tell me I am not becoming like him.
No...that definetly can't happen
and You need to make it stop.
So is that You wanted?
There is nothing more to say.
Except...You won.
But You can't leave me like this.
Make it make sense....
this thing known as my life.
I'm done with regrets
and I am done with trying to find my own way
and I am done thinking that....
I can't even say it but You know.
You will be the only one to know that secret.
Here I am....
continue on with what You were doing.
What it is that is in store for me.
Sometimes I think the answers are so clear
when really it just leads me down another rabbit hole.
How is it that this is happening?
You made a promise.
Do you intend to keep it?
Or are You just watching me make a fool of myself?
Yes, I do dare question this life You made for me.
I tried to be everything I thought You wanted me to be
and all I found was loneliness, frustration, and confusion.
And what about them?
They came and they went.
Just like the wind.
Like snow falling into fire.
Why are You making me go through this?
Sometimes I don't want to have any part of this
and sometimes I regret calling Your name.
Other times I am grateful.
A sinner still but sinning less.
You know what I do.
You are the only one that I can not hide from.
It should be enough
to not do such things
but when you have to live in this three-ring circus...
sometimes a person is driven to
wanting to forget that they have to be here in the first place.
What is it exactly that I am working towards?
Why do I have to keep asking the same questions
over and over and over once more?
The pieces do not fit.
I have tried forcing them,
studying them,
and placing them
where I think they belong.
But the picture remains unclear
and incorrect.
Yes....yes.....I understood when I started
that the journey was to be difficult
but I am tired right now.
I just need to sleep.
A little rest.
Let me rest in You.
Can I just sleep in Your arms?
Please just whisper in my ear
all the good things You promised.
Whisper it as I lay in Your arms.
I'm sorry for being angry with You so often,
but You have to understand...
I am scared.
You are so far away and
I am running
chasing after a star that is incapable of being caught.
Isn't it?
You are so right.
I can't do this alone.
How come it seems like I am?
Look at me.
Look at everything I just said.
None of it makes sense.
Please....please.....
tell me I am not becoming like him.
No...that definetly can't happen
and You need to make it stop.
So is that You wanted?
There is nothing more to say.
Except...You won.
But You can't leave me like this.
Make it make sense....
this thing known as my life.
I'm done with regrets
and I am done with trying to find my own way
and I am done thinking that....
I can't even say it but You know.
You will be the only one to know that secret.
Here I am....
continue on with what You were doing.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Yes...I Am A Jesus Freak. Thank You For Noticing
I was chit chatting with a friend last night and payed them a compliment about what a hard worker they are and how they are such an inspiration. I can honestly say I was taken a little aback when they replied with a question if I was joking with them. They went on to explain how they have a fews friends that give them a little bit of a hard time for doing what they do. I sat there wondering, how many people are giving them a hard time that they now question a compliment? At the same time, I sympathized with them. My ex-husband would often say to me that people were only nice to me because they felt sorry for me that I was retarded. Yep....he said that....word for word. Obviously it left a lasting impression because I heard that over and over and over again for many years so it comes to no surprise that when someone pays me a compliment, I get highly suspicious of their intentions even when there are none except for the mere fact they do actually mean what they say. At first, my reaction was similar to my friend, "Are you kidding me? I am not pretty. I am not smart. I am not capable. You're crazy!" Yes...I have actually said to people they were crazy for saying what they were saying. But after a while I started to figure out that people weren't just trying to be nice to me. They meant what they said and I began to learn to say the words, "Thank you. That is a nice compliment." Now I don't think my friend underwent the kind of verbal abuse that my ex-husband afforded to me, but as I said before, they heard it enough times to question the genuinity of a compliment and my heart went out to them. This subject matter got me...you guessed it....thinking.
There comes a point in some of our lives where what we are doing is just not working anymore. We make a decision to turn our lives over to God generally knowing that our lives are going to become a little more difficult before it gets better. We face a lot of opposition, question our fate, question the next step, and are often discouraged and left feeling hopeless wondering if we made the right decision. But we press on regardless because we know God's way is still better than the life we lived before. It just takes time and we are just patient enough to wait the transition out. All of a sudden we are put under a microscope; torn apart if we step out of place. Our beliefs and faith become questioned, we are called snobs, holyrollers, and Jesus Freaks, and we are pushed around, sometimes by those closest to us because we decided to take that second chance that God offered. The same one that is offered them. The same exact second chance, but they were too chicken to take it and we weren't. So they make fun, make us doubt and break our hearts.
When we say we are Christian, most people think we think of ourselves as better than or perfect. If they only knew. Generally the first three years of a marriage can be tough. You are getting to know one another's dislikes, likes, habits and routines. Becoming a Christian is no different. It takes time for us to figure out our new lives. What will work for us, what won't, where our ministry is at, and...sad to say...what we need to let go of so that we may not fall. Perfect? No. We struggle on a daily basis to do the right thing, sometimes live in fear of failing, and fighting often to find where we fit in all the while we are being persecuted for our new found beliefs, made to trip from time to time, and attacked by evil forces that do not want to see us succeed. Holyrollers? You got it. Jesus Freaks? Thank you for noticing. A snob? That we are not because although we are given a hard time...we will still love and pray for they know not what they do.
None of us should have to question the pureness of someone's kindness and yet we live in a world that is going to try and chew us up and spit us out. Often we will be made to believe that we should just give up, that we are not good enough, and that we are just chasing a dream. Well to those people who desire to see us fail, this is what I have to say:
"Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the Lord." Romans 12:19
I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound good for those who mess with us...but hey good luck with that!
And to those of you who took the second chance:
"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galatians 6:9
Never lose heart. God is on your side.
There comes a point in some of our lives where what we are doing is just not working anymore. We make a decision to turn our lives over to God generally knowing that our lives are going to become a little more difficult before it gets better. We face a lot of opposition, question our fate, question the next step, and are often discouraged and left feeling hopeless wondering if we made the right decision. But we press on regardless because we know God's way is still better than the life we lived before. It just takes time and we are just patient enough to wait the transition out. All of a sudden we are put under a microscope; torn apart if we step out of place. Our beliefs and faith become questioned, we are called snobs, holyrollers, and Jesus Freaks, and we are pushed around, sometimes by those closest to us because we decided to take that second chance that God offered. The same one that is offered them. The same exact second chance, but they were too chicken to take it and we weren't. So they make fun, make us doubt and break our hearts.
When we say we are Christian, most people think we think of ourselves as better than or perfect. If they only knew. Generally the first three years of a marriage can be tough. You are getting to know one another's dislikes, likes, habits and routines. Becoming a Christian is no different. It takes time for us to figure out our new lives. What will work for us, what won't, where our ministry is at, and...sad to say...what we need to let go of so that we may not fall. Perfect? No. We struggle on a daily basis to do the right thing, sometimes live in fear of failing, and fighting often to find where we fit in all the while we are being persecuted for our new found beliefs, made to trip from time to time, and attacked by evil forces that do not want to see us succeed. Holyrollers? You got it. Jesus Freaks? Thank you for noticing. A snob? That we are not because although we are given a hard time...we will still love and pray for they know not what they do.
None of us should have to question the pureness of someone's kindness and yet we live in a world that is going to try and chew us up and spit us out. Often we will be made to believe that we should just give up, that we are not good enough, and that we are just chasing a dream. Well to those people who desire to see us fail, this is what I have to say:
"Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the Lord." Romans 12:19
I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound good for those who mess with us...but hey good luck with that!
And to those of you who took the second chance:
"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galatians 6:9
Never lose heart. God is on your side.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
A Daily Decision
Today I made a decision.
A very important decision.
The kind of decision that I have to make
every morning when I wake up.
I made a decision to be happy.
Every single day.
If I ever feel discouraged, lonely, hopeless, unfit,
unloved, or any of the variety of feelings
a person can feel,
I promise to reach out for counsel.
I will give encouragement to those who need it
with the belief that I will receive the same in return.
I will be and do the best I can in everything I do
and if I feel that my best can not be given,
then I will ask God to place me where I can
give my best.
I will not be an underachiever anymore.
Nor will I be an overachiever.
I will just achieve the plan that God has laid out for me.
I will make time for myself to make sure my mind, body, and soul
are healthy.
Popularity is not important.
It's the quality of the friendship.
Those who take the time to really get to know me,
will always be cherished
and have my undivided attention.
Those who don't want my friendship,
will get polite hellos.
The only one that is allowed to change me is God.
It's no one else's responsibility to do so.
When I think I'm not as good as some people,
I will always remember God made me.
And because of that is why I made my decision.
To be happy every single day.
A very important decision.
The kind of decision that I have to make
every morning when I wake up.
I made a decision to be happy.
Every single day.
If I ever feel discouraged, lonely, hopeless, unfit,
unloved, or any of the variety of feelings
a person can feel,
I promise to reach out for counsel.
I will give encouragement to those who need it
with the belief that I will receive the same in return.
I will be and do the best I can in everything I do
and if I feel that my best can not be given,
then I will ask God to place me where I can
give my best.
I will not be an underachiever anymore.
Nor will I be an overachiever.
I will just achieve the plan that God has laid out for me.
I will make time for myself to make sure my mind, body, and soul
are healthy.
Popularity is not important.
It's the quality of the friendship.
Those who take the time to really get to know me,
will always be cherished
and have my undivided attention.
Those who don't want my friendship,
will get polite hellos.
The only one that is allowed to change me is God.
It's no one else's responsibility to do so.
When I think I'm not as good as some people,
I will always remember God made me.
And because of that is why I made my decision.
To be happy every single day.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Just One Request
Tell me the big secret God.
Tell me.
I want to know where I fit in
in all this.
Did You save me
just so I could be a spectator?
Why did You do it?
Why did You save me?
Please don't say it's because You love me.
The answer can't be that simple.
There is something not right here.
All I want is to understand.
I have lived too much of my life in a blur.
And now You want me to live by faith?
You have to know that at times that is impossible.
Live by faith?
I am not sure I can anymore.
I want to give up.
It seemed so much easier to be a blur.
My eyes are open and what I see....
There are no words for it.
You say that You love me.
I am the apple of your eye.
The lost sheep you were looking for.
Why? I don't fit in with the others.
I don't belong there
and yet You keep insisting on saving me.
For what?
If I am no use to others,
what good am I to You?
What have You done to me?
Why? Why didn't You just ignore my plea?
You could've just left me there.
I wish You did sometimes.
Are You trying to make a point?
Am I to be used as an example of who not to be?
Oh yes God.
I am very serious in my thought.
And I hold no apologies.
Come as I am right?
Isn't that what You said?
Well here I am.
What more do You want?
Because I can't figure You out.
I can't understand
because I did everything You wanted.
And I am
lonelier,
pissed off,
and more uncertain than before.
How is that right?
Are You saying it's my fault?
Well we agree there.
I never should've cried out that night.
I made a mistake.
I am sorry.
And the truth is....
I won't take it back.
Because before, I was a flight risk.
And now I am a fighter.
Yes...I am very mad right now.
I am very angry.
This world...
it's the world.
And I am not sure I want to be a part of it anymore.
It has nothing I want and to be truthful...
I don't think I am what they want either.
Keep going with me God.
If that's what You must do.
But I do have just one request.....
Tell me.
I want to know where I fit in
in all this.
Did You save me
just so I could be a spectator?
Why did You do it?
Why did You save me?
Please don't say it's because You love me.
The answer can't be that simple.
There is something not right here.
All I want is to understand.
I have lived too much of my life in a blur.
And now You want me to live by faith?
You have to know that at times that is impossible.
Live by faith?
I am not sure I can anymore.
I want to give up.
It seemed so much easier to be a blur.
My eyes are open and what I see....
There are no words for it.
You say that You love me.
I am the apple of your eye.
The lost sheep you were looking for.
Why? I don't fit in with the others.
I don't belong there
and yet You keep insisting on saving me.
For what?
If I am no use to others,
what good am I to You?
What have You done to me?
Why? Why didn't You just ignore my plea?
You could've just left me there.
I wish You did sometimes.
Are You trying to make a point?
Am I to be used as an example of who not to be?
Oh yes God.
I am very serious in my thought.
And I hold no apologies.
Come as I am right?
Isn't that what You said?
Well here I am.
What more do You want?
Because I can't figure You out.
I can't understand
because I did everything You wanted.
And I am
lonelier,
pissed off,
and more uncertain than before.
How is that right?
Are You saying it's my fault?
Well we agree there.
I never should've cried out that night.
I made a mistake.
I am sorry.
And the truth is....
I won't take it back.
Because before, I was a flight risk.
And now I am a fighter.
Yes...I am very mad right now.
I am very angry.
This world...
it's the world.
And I am not sure I want to be a part of it anymore.
It has nothing I want and to be truthful...
I don't think I am what they want either.
Keep going with me God.
If that's what You must do.
But I do have just one request.....
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Life Lessons Only A Duck Can Give
So I was suppose to meet my lovely friend at church today. It was her first time at the West campus but I woke up a little late and texted her a little frantically asking if it would be ok to go to the 11:15 service. She said that was no problem at all. Ok...good...no biggie....we just go to the later service, right? Well it wasn't that easy. For whatever reason I was feeling guilty and thinking things like:
"What if she had something to do after and now she's waiting on you."
"It's her first time on this side of town and you go and wake up late."
"If you just went to bed at an earlier time, you wouldn't of woken up late in the first place."
I mean the guilt kept coming and coming and there really was no reason for it. So I go to take the dogs out for their morning walk and all of a sudden God starts speaking to me and says:
"Theresa. When you make a mistake or you are going through something rough, how do your friends treat you?"
I responded:
"Well God...they are loving and comforting and they help me to work things out."
"So if I made you in my image, what makes you think I am any less than those characteristics?"
I tell you...I stopped in my tracks and literally let out a "D'OH!" I got it. All this time I thought I understood God's love and forgiveness but I really didn't. I always knew He was forgiving and that He forgot our sins once we asked for forgiveness but in the back of my head, I would always think,"Well, now I won't be blessed with that." or "I deserve to have that go wrong because I was an idiot about this other thing." That's not how God works and He took this one little thing to show me that is not how He is. If my friends who are human and make mistakes themselves sit and listen with me and talk things out with me so that I can move on and even hug me when I done something stupid (whether it be on a big or small scale), then what makes me think God who is all perfect, all mighty, the creator of all, treat me in a different manner.
"Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the prescence of the Lord." Acts 3:19
But the lesson didn't stop there.
I go on with walking the dogs and I see the mama duck with her ducklings (who are more teenage ducks now). There they were, just chilling out on the grass. Enjoying the warm sun. The mama duck was keeping an eye on us though making sure her babies weren't going to be harmed. The dogs did make a movement that gave her some concern because she jumped in the water and her babies followed right after. I watched as they swam by. She was leading her little pack and then all of a sudden she pulls back and allows her ducklings to swim a little bit ahead with her watching them. At that moment I saw God's lesson.
There we are, having a little fun in the sun. Enjoying what God has made but safe under his watch. If something seems threatening, He is quick to move us to a safer spot and we follow Him, trusting He knows best. Then as soon as He thinks we are in a good place, He backs off a little so that we can continue to enjoy His creation but still having His eye on us. Even if we stray off and get a little roughed up, He brings us back to the pack for His safekeeping.
"I WILL lift up my eyes to the hills-
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber of sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The Lord shall preserve your going out and
your coming in
From this time forth, and even forever more."
Psalm 121:1-8
"What if she had something to do after and now she's waiting on you."
"It's her first time on this side of town and you go and wake up late."
"If you just went to bed at an earlier time, you wouldn't of woken up late in the first place."
I mean the guilt kept coming and coming and there really was no reason for it. So I go to take the dogs out for their morning walk and all of a sudden God starts speaking to me and says:
"Theresa. When you make a mistake or you are going through something rough, how do your friends treat you?"
I responded:
"Well God...they are loving and comforting and they help me to work things out."
"So if I made you in my image, what makes you think I am any less than those characteristics?"
I tell you...I stopped in my tracks and literally let out a "D'OH!" I got it. All this time I thought I understood God's love and forgiveness but I really didn't. I always knew He was forgiving and that He forgot our sins once we asked for forgiveness but in the back of my head, I would always think,"Well, now I won't be blessed with that." or "I deserve to have that go wrong because I was an idiot about this other thing." That's not how God works and He took this one little thing to show me that is not how He is. If my friends who are human and make mistakes themselves sit and listen with me and talk things out with me so that I can move on and even hug me when I done something stupid (whether it be on a big or small scale), then what makes me think God who is all perfect, all mighty, the creator of all, treat me in a different manner.
"Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the prescence of the Lord." Acts 3:19
But the lesson didn't stop there.
I go on with walking the dogs and I see the mama duck with her ducklings (who are more teenage ducks now). There they were, just chilling out on the grass. Enjoying the warm sun. The mama duck was keeping an eye on us though making sure her babies weren't going to be harmed. The dogs did make a movement that gave her some concern because she jumped in the water and her babies followed right after. I watched as they swam by. She was leading her little pack and then all of a sudden she pulls back and allows her ducklings to swim a little bit ahead with her watching them. At that moment I saw God's lesson.
There we are, having a little fun in the sun. Enjoying what God has made but safe under his watch. If something seems threatening, He is quick to move us to a safer spot and we follow Him, trusting He knows best. Then as soon as He thinks we are in a good place, He backs off a little so that we can continue to enjoy His creation but still having His eye on us. Even if we stray off and get a little roughed up, He brings us back to the pack for His safekeeping.
"I WILL lift up my eyes to the hills-
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber of sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The Lord shall preserve your going out and
your coming in
From this time forth, and even forever more."
Psalm 121:1-8
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Dying Love
It's time for you to give my heart back. You have had it long enough
and it now needs to go to the person
that God has appointed it to.
You have misused it;
even when we haven't been speaking.
What right did you have to do so?
The memory of you needs to fade
into the background now.
I loved you at one time
and I thought I would love you forever.
I thought you loved me too
but I wasn't enough for you.
We could've been so good together.
But you were afraid.
I was too.
If only we kept the gift from God...
Would it have been different?
Or were we doomed regardless.
Do I miss you?
Sometimes.
But missing you doesn't
make you good for me.
I have allowed you to have
my heart long enough.
You don't deserve it.
You never did.
And yet you had been on my mind often.
Even though we were together a short time,
I now need to let you go for good.
I don't care how many times you thought
you made a mistake going.
And I don't care how many times you desire to
see or talk to me.
The last time was it.
I meant what I said
and I won't change my mind.
If you only knew how you crushed me.
If you only knew how hard hearted you made me.
Did you ever think once what you were doing to me?
Is your conscience bothering you?
But it was because of you
that I can now forgive.
And if it wasn't for you,
my life would've withered away.
You started this adventure for the both of us
but you refused to continue the journey.
And I was forced to go it alone.
Why couldn't you have been strong enough?
Why couldn't you be my side?
I just wasn't enough for you.
You were afraid.
And I was too.
But not anymore.
I thought you were the one.
I was wrong.
You were a divine intervention
and for that I will be grateful to you.
Something that once could've been
but never will or can be.
I will always wish you the best.
And will pray you get back on the journey.
Other than that...
you are just a mere memory.
You had your chance but you couldn't
care for my heart.
Not the way a man should care for it.
I'm taking it back.
My heart belongs to me.
Not you.
I'm giving it to God.
And I'm letting Him keep it
until He finds the one worthy
enough to have it.
One who respects it.
One who will care for it as if it was his own.
and it now needs to go to the person
that God has appointed it to.
You have misused it;
even when we haven't been speaking.
What right did you have to do so?
The memory of you needs to fade
into the background now.
I loved you at one time
and I thought I would love you forever.
I thought you loved me too
but I wasn't enough for you.
We could've been so good together.
But you were afraid.
I was too.
If only we kept the gift from God...
Would it have been different?
Or were we doomed regardless.
Do I miss you?
Sometimes.
But missing you doesn't
make you good for me.
I have allowed you to have
my heart long enough.
You don't deserve it.
You never did.
And yet you had been on my mind often.
Even though we were together a short time,
I now need to let you go for good.
I don't care how many times you thought
you made a mistake going.
And I don't care how many times you desire to
see or talk to me.
The last time was it.
I meant what I said
and I won't change my mind.
If you only knew how you crushed me.
If you only knew how hard hearted you made me.
Did you ever think once what you were doing to me?
Is your conscience bothering you?
But it was because of you
that I can now forgive.
And if it wasn't for you,
my life would've withered away.
You started this adventure for the both of us
but you refused to continue the journey.
And I was forced to go it alone.
Why couldn't you have been strong enough?
Why couldn't you be my side?
I just wasn't enough for you.
You were afraid.
And I was too.
But not anymore.
I thought you were the one.
I was wrong.
You were a divine intervention
and for that I will be grateful to you.
Something that once could've been
but never will or can be.
I will always wish you the best.
And will pray you get back on the journey.
Other than that...
you are just a mere memory.
You had your chance but you couldn't
care for my heart.
Not the way a man should care for it.
I'm taking it back.
My heart belongs to me.
Not you.
I'm giving it to God.
And I'm letting Him keep it
until He finds the one worthy
enough to have it.
One who respects it.
One who will care for it as if it was his own.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Determination
A couple of summers ago, my ex-boyfriend (an unfortunate mention but part of the story) and I went to the beach. He was great at finding whole sand dollars and some of the prettiest seashells. As we walked along the beach we came to a point where there were a cluster of rocks. He said sometimes you find some pretty nice shells hidden in them. So as we looked, I saw this really pretty conch shell stuck in between two rocks. I wanted that shell. My ex said there was no way to get it out but I was determined and started pushing, pulling, attempting to lift the rock off it, and even banging it out with a small rock trying not to damage it. Nothing. It wasn't going to budge. But I wanted it. So I continued...push, pull, lift and bang. Repeating this process for about twenty minutes. My ex thought I was crazy and suggested I should forget it. But I wanted it. So again....push, pull, lift and bang. Another twenty minutes go by and I finally decided to give up. I walked away but then decided to turn back. I got that small rock and my adrenaline was pumped! I hammered that shell until finally....VICTORY!!! There it was. All mine and with little scarring on the shell.
Sometimes we are like that stuck seashell. At one point in our lives we lived free, got caught up in the tide and then stuck just waiting for someone to set us free. Determination goes two ways. God and us. He is determined to have us close to Him so He pushes, pulls, lifts heavy rocks off us, and smacks us with a hammer to get us unstuck. Our determination is to be free again. Once we get stuck, we do what we can to try to get out of a tough spot. We pray, we search and we even wait to be saved. And without fail, God does save us and then we are all His.
"But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy one of Israel, your Saviour....." Isaiah 43:1
Sometimes we are like that stuck seashell. At one point in our lives we lived free, got caught up in the tide and then stuck just waiting for someone to set us free. Determination goes two ways. God and us. He is determined to have us close to Him so He pushes, pulls, lifts heavy rocks off us, and smacks us with a hammer to get us unstuck. Our determination is to be free again. Once we get stuck, we do what we can to try to get out of a tough spot. We pray, we search and we even wait to be saved. And without fail, God does save us and then we are all His.
"But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy one of Israel, your Saviour....." Isaiah 43:1
Monday, April 23, 2012
Don't Sweat The Small Stuff
I moved into my apartment in August of 2011 and my living quarters were cut in half, so needless to say, my space had to be used wisely. I got the idea of putting a wall shelf up from my dear friend who had one in her bedroom to put odds and ends on. So the search began. At that time my budget was super tight and there was no room for purchasing such simple items as a wall shelf. It actually made me a little sad and did say a small prayer for help in finding what I needed to help make my cubicle a home.
One fine morning, I took the dogs for their morning potty time and as we were walking back to the apartment, I noticed something laying under the tree. From far away it was hard to notice what it was but as we got closer it became more apparent and kept thinking, "That can't be what I think it is." But it most certainly was. A shelf. In near perfect condition and just the right size. I picked it up and looked around to see if there was anyone to be seen. In that moment, I became a shady character of sorts and hurried the dogs inside. There was no way I was going to let this thing slip through my fingers.
I went to work that day and told my friend all about the finding. The story went as so, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking the dogs and there it was! A wood shelf up against a tree. It was as if Jesus carved it out of the branches and plopped it right next to the tree for me to find. It's Jesus' shelf. That's what it is!" And that is what it was known as from that moment on....Jesus' shelf.
I tell this tiny tale because to some it may seem to be an insignificant thing, but it was what I needed at the time and God was more than happy to provide. Plus it was an opportunity for Him to give an example that there is nothing too small for Him to take care of or even care about. It was important to me so it became important to Him.
"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in Heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:11
One fine morning, I took the dogs for their morning potty time and as we were walking back to the apartment, I noticed something laying under the tree. From far away it was hard to notice what it was but as we got closer it became more apparent and kept thinking, "That can't be what I think it is." But it most certainly was. A shelf. In near perfect condition and just the right size. I picked it up and looked around to see if there was anyone to be seen. In that moment, I became a shady character of sorts and hurried the dogs inside. There was no way I was going to let this thing slip through my fingers.
I went to work that day and told my friend all about the finding. The story went as so, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking the dogs and there it was! A wood shelf up against a tree. It was as if Jesus carved it out of the branches and plopped it right next to the tree for me to find. It's Jesus' shelf. That's what it is!" And that is what it was known as from that moment on....Jesus' shelf.
I tell this tiny tale because to some it may seem to be an insignificant thing, but it was what I needed at the time and God was more than happy to provide. Plus it was an opportunity for Him to give an example that there is nothing too small for Him to take care of or even care about. It was important to me so it became important to Him.
"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in Heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:11
Thursday, April 19, 2012
A Dog's Mission
"A righteous man regards the life of his animal, But the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel." Proverbs 12:10
How can I resist those big brown eyes.
So bright and beautiful.
An example of love if there ever was one.
That's why I need to send you down
so you can show the world
what it is to be kind, loving, loyal, protective, a comforter
and how to do it all even after enduring tribulation.
I know, I know.
You want to be here with Me,
but there is someone down there in need.
I will make sure you two find one another.
She needs you.
To look at her with those same brown eyes you are loving Me with.
She will be going through tough times.
Be her comforter.
She will shed many tears.
Kiss them away.
She will be seeking answers.
Please listen to her.
She will feel lost and alone
Please stay by her side.
She will get hurt.
You need to protect her.
She will spend many days sad.
Give her laughter on those days.
She will lose hope.
Make sure she doesn't.
The world is a tough place.
It can be very unkind.
That is why I need you to help her.
Help her to make her way through.
It's a big job.
One I trust you can do.
And never forget.....
Put your paw on her knee;
And look at her.
Look at her with those smiling brown eyes.
For when she looks into them,
she will see Me.
How can I resist those big brown eyes.
So bright and beautiful.
An example of love if there ever was one.
That's why I need to send you down
so you can show the world
what it is to be kind, loving, loyal, protective, a comforter
and how to do it all even after enduring tribulation.
I know, I know.
You want to be here with Me,
but there is someone down there in need.
I will make sure you two find one another.
She needs you.
To look at her with those same brown eyes you are loving Me with.
She will be going through tough times.
Be her comforter.
She will shed many tears.
Kiss them away.
She will be seeking answers.
Please listen to her.
She will feel lost and alone
Please stay by her side.
She will get hurt.
You need to protect her.
She will spend many days sad.
Give her laughter on those days.
She will lose hope.
Make sure she doesn't.
The world is a tough place.
It can be very unkind.
That is why I need you to help her.
Help her to make her way through.
It's a big job.
One I trust you can do.
And never forget.....
Put your paw on her knee;
And look at her.
Look at her with those smiling brown eyes.
For when she looks into them,
she will see Me.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
17 Point Spiritual Checklist.
You always see the commercials for those oil and lube places that offer a 17 point maintenance check to make sure your car is running at its optimal best. As I was painting my apartment today, I started to think about this concept and also thought about how we can apply the same principal to our spiritual lives. So here is what I came up with:
1. I am lonely.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
2. I feel like I don't fit in.
"But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man see; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7
3. I don't know what the next step is in life.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
4. I feel unloved/I don't look like everyone else.
"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well." Psalm 139:14
5. Fear paralyzes me too much to move forward.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 1 Timothy 1:7
6. My feelings were hurt and I can't seem to let go of the issue.
"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one anotther, even as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:31 -32
7. Now that I am sober, how do I fill my time?
"Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through a prophetic message when the body of elders laid their hands on you. Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers." 1 Timothy 4:14-16
8. I don't know how to stick up for myself.
"But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a areason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear; having a good conscience, that when they defame you as evildoers, those who revile you your good conduct in Christ may be ashamed. For it is better, if it is the will of God to suffer for doing good than for doing evil." 1 Peter 3:15-17
9. I made a mistake and don't know how to fix it.
"A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance." Proverbs 28: 13
My personal checklist could go on and on but you can see for every concern I have, there is something to be said about in the Bible. I encourage you to make a checklist for the concerns you have in your life and find a verse that pertains to that concern. Keep your Spiritual Checklist with you just in case those concerns pop up in your again. God is paying attention and knows we can be troubled in this life. That's why He provided the Bible so that it may be our God to get through this temporary life and attain eternal life with our Lord.
1. I am lonely.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
2. I feel like I don't fit in.
"But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man see; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7
3. I don't know what the next step is in life.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
4. I feel unloved/I don't look like everyone else.
"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well." Psalm 139:14
5. Fear paralyzes me too much to move forward.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 1 Timothy 1:7
6. My feelings were hurt and I can't seem to let go of the issue.
"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one anotther, even as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:31 -32
7. Now that I am sober, how do I fill my time?
"Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through a prophetic message when the body of elders laid their hands on you. Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers." 1 Timothy 4:14-16
8. I don't know how to stick up for myself.
"But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a areason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear; having a good conscience, that when they defame you as evildoers, those who revile you your good conduct in Christ may be ashamed. For it is better, if it is the will of God to suffer for doing good than for doing evil." 1 Peter 3:15-17
9. I made a mistake and don't know how to fix it.
"A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance." Proverbs 28: 13
My personal checklist could go on and on but you can see for every concern I have, there is something to be said about in the Bible. I encourage you to make a checklist for the concerns you have in your life and find a verse that pertains to that concern. Keep your Spiritual Checklist with you just in case those concerns pop up in your again. God is paying attention and knows we can be troubled in this life. That's why He provided the Bible so that it may be our God to get through this temporary life and attain eternal life with our Lord.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
New Beginnings
I saw someone post a Bible verse based on the date. I made a comment about how I thought that was a good idea and he said to try it with Psalms. So finally tonight I did. I opened up my Bible and went to Psalms 4:....oh wait. There is no verse 15. So I split it. I went to vere one.
"HEAR me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have relieved me in my distress; Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer."
How fitting. In 14 1/2 hours I will be baptized and giving the following over to God:
1. Everything.
Tell me what doesn't fit under that category. It means what it says.
My past is as it states.
My future is His.
My fears will be handed over.
My loneliness just means that I am starting to make the right decisions.
My lust. It's gone. I trust God has the perfect man for me.
My anger is not warranted anymore.
My need for attention is over. I only care what God thinks of me.
My poor decision making will come to an end.
My trust issues are not issues because I trust in the Lord.
My speaking before thinking will be turned into silence until I find the right words to say.
The list goes on and on but I am not fooled to think I will be perfect at it. It's impossible and when I slip up, I am now saying I will always run to the Lord. I am saying I will fight harder to make it through this life so that I can spend eternity with Him. What I am saying, is that I am not going alone. I will take as many people as I can with me. I refuse to do it your way. I choose to do it God's way and if it means that I am on this mission alone, then so be it.
April 15th at 4:00 PM. Fear, anger, hurt, deceit, manipulation, an unhealthy past, lust, pride, self seeking....it all will be sinking to the bottom of the baptismal never to surface again. But the only way to make that possible:
"In returning and rest you shall be saved; In quietness and confidence shall be your strength." Isaiah 30:15
"HEAR me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have relieved me in my distress; Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer."
How fitting. In 14 1/2 hours I will be baptized and giving the following over to God:
1. Everything.
Tell me what doesn't fit under that category. It means what it says.
My past is as it states.
My future is His.
My fears will be handed over.
My loneliness just means that I am starting to make the right decisions.
My lust. It's gone. I trust God has the perfect man for me.
My anger is not warranted anymore.
My need for attention is over. I only care what God thinks of me.
My poor decision making will come to an end.
My trust issues are not issues because I trust in the Lord.
My speaking before thinking will be turned into silence until I find the right words to say.
The list goes on and on but I am not fooled to think I will be perfect at it. It's impossible and when I slip up, I am now saying I will always run to the Lord. I am saying I will fight harder to make it through this life so that I can spend eternity with Him. What I am saying, is that I am not going alone. I will take as many people as I can with me. I refuse to do it your way. I choose to do it God's way and if it means that I am on this mission alone, then so be it.
April 15th at 4:00 PM. Fear, anger, hurt, deceit, manipulation, an unhealthy past, lust, pride, self seeking....it all will be sinking to the bottom of the baptismal never to surface again. But the only way to make that possible:
"In returning and rest you shall be saved; In quietness and confidence shall be your strength." Isaiah 30:15
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Helping Others Through Your Pain
"What a wonderful God we have-He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does He do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
I will never forget the first time I read this verse. It was last year when I began my post-abortion counseling. It was on the cover of my little workbook Forgiven and Set Free. I must've read that verse a thousand times hoping that one day I could live it out. This week my dream came true.
I went for my bi-weekly visit at Carenet Tuesday and had the opportunity to sit in on a session with a woman who was struggling with guilt over her abortion. I was able to share a little bit about my experiences and also shared about God's healing and forgiveness. I was in awe over how just a year ago, it was me sitting in that spot feeling so much remorse, so much guilt and shame, feeling as if there was no way to heal from that pain and yet...I did find it.
Again tonight, I was able to share with another woman about finding freedom from guilt. She was so broken and defeated. I offered to help her through the process and I hope she does take me up on that offer. Again it was a reminder of that time when I felt there was no hope and no chance to be relieved of the pain you carry in your heart for so many years after performing such an act.
One year ago, I walked into Carenet and sat in a little room with a woman who was living this verse out. She shared with me her story and worked with me as I found healing, forgiveness, God's love, and a purpose for my future. For the first time back then, I felt a reason for my life. Everything that has happened to me (not just the abortions) was not in vain. For the first time, I didn't view myself so much as a screw up but someone who was beginning a process of change so that one day I can live out this verse. For the first time I had meaning. I now just needed to find the self-confidence to carry out that meaning and over that past year it has been work to do so. But in sharing with these women, I found it so easy because I was there. I was there where they are and all I had do was tell my story and pray they would let it sink in to their brains. Pray that they would take advantage of the opportunity of someone trying to reach out and it being the first step in finding their healing just as I did with the one that shared with me.
Time and time again we hear that we all have a story to tell. How there are certain people in this world only you can reach. Whatever it is that you are going through, first do step one in this verse; find comfort and strength in God through your hardships and trials. Once you do that, then go to step two; give the same comfort and encouragement to those who are walking down the same path of which you once walked down.
I will never forget the first time I read this verse. It was last year when I began my post-abortion counseling. It was on the cover of my little workbook Forgiven and Set Free. I must've read that verse a thousand times hoping that one day I could live it out. This week my dream came true.
I went for my bi-weekly visit at Carenet Tuesday and had the opportunity to sit in on a session with a woman who was struggling with guilt over her abortion. I was able to share a little bit about my experiences and also shared about God's healing and forgiveness. I was in awe over how just a year ago, it was me sitting in that spot feeling so much remorse, so much guilt and shame, feeling as if there was no way to heal from that pain and yet...I did find it.
Again tonight, I was able to share with another woman about finding freedom from guilt. She was so broken and defeated. I offered to help her through the process and I hope she does take me up on that offer. Again it was a reminder of that time when I felt there was no hope and no chance to be relieved of the pain you carry in your heart for so many years after performing such an act.
One year ago, I walked into Carenet and sat in a little room with a woman who was living this verse out. She shared with me her story and worked with me as I found healing, forgiveness, God's love, and a purpose for my future. For the first time back then, I felt a reason for my life. Everything that has happened to me (not just the abortions) was not in vain. For the first time, I didn't view myself so much as a screw up but someone who was beginning a process of change so that one day I can live out this verse. For the first time I had meaning. I now just needed to find the self-confidence to carry out that meaning and over that past year it has been work to do so. But in sharing with these women, I found it so easy because I was there. I was there where they are and all I had do was tell my story and pray they would let it sink in to their brains. Pray that they would take advantage of the opportunity of someone trying to reach out and it being the first step in finding their healing just as I did with the one that shared with me.
Time and time again we hear that we all have a story to tell. How there are certain people in this world only you can reach. Whatever it is that you are going through, first do step one in this verse; find comfort and strength in God through your hardships and trials. Once you do that, then go to step two; give the same comfort and encouragement to those who are walking down the same path of which you once walked down.
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