For the past few evenings I have been contemplating God's love and what it means to have it. Wondering if God was still here for me, He reminded me of something that brought me to tears a little while ago.
Two years ago, I was depressed and depleted of any life that could have possibly lived within me. Just a shell wandering around, I was convinced that I would never be better than the drugs I took, the drinks I drank and the men I laid eyes upon.. but Jesus saw differently. When I was sure that no one would love me for the things I have done wrong...God loved me. And even though I could be told no different that my life could change...The Holy Spirit started whispering, "Yes it can."
He brought back a memory. A time when, for the very first time, I experienced forgiveness and freedom for my sins. Something deemed impossible in my mind and yet I had been deceived for so many years that it is something quite possible. I wondered how I went from being so happy that I was set free to going back to an almost empty person, wandering and waiting, not sure what it was I was looking or waiting for. I was once again abandoned. Or was I?
God and I came to a standstill because although I had victory over the tools of which I used to cope, I had not found victory over the issues. Some were dealt with and the stuff that I really didn't want to face got swept under the rug. I took a peek under and it seemed the past was still there and collecting dust. Issues piled on top of issues and issues being ignored along with the issues that have been ignored for years (say that three times fast).
The questions have remained the same:
1. Who am I?
2. What do I do?
3. I don't want to do what every one else is doing and yet I want to fit in. Can't I have both?!
The answer:
I don't know.
Finding the answers are obvious but it's whether or not we want to know them. What if I don't like the answers? Is God really looking at the desires of my heart? I am not sure if He's really working because nothing seems to be happening. But then why would it...I am sitting here waiting when I should be working.
I have been misunderstanding how God works and I certainly am not going to sit here and say I figured it out in a matter of a few hours...or even a couple of years. But in the past few evenings of contemplating God's love, I have gotten this much understanding:
1. Even at church, we can have the urge to follow the crowd, but if it's a road not designated by God, then you better not follow it. He will send the right people to help you along the way...even if it's very few.
2. God has a purpose and a plan for all of us. Whether we want to believe it's true or not does not matter because it doesn't change the fact that God will still have that plan and that purpose for all of us.
3. If God said He forgave me for having two abortions and I knew it to be true when I started this journey a couple years ago, why in the world would I think He would love me any less today. It appears the devil squirmed his way in somewhere.
Loneliness and finding my worth has plagued me for years. It's a battle that I have been fighting too long and it's time to end it. Knowing that I am not the only one searching the fine details of God's love, it has become very apparent to me (and almost a big fat, "duh") that my purpose in life is to use whatever talent God has given me to help those that are just like me. Knowing that there are people hurting, lonely, depressed, discouraged, intimidated, feeling hopeless, feeling unloved, full of fear...by the simple fact of knowing they are out there, my purpose isn't to pass on some foo foo words many Christians can utter (sorry but it's true. We tend to have common sayings when we don't know what to really say. I am guilty of this too). It's to pass on the Word of God in a way that they see it, know it, feel it, embrace it, challenge it, and accept it. Just as I did a couple years ago and just as I am rediscovering today.
To take this talent of writing and hiding it away for only a few to see; I might as well tell God, "Hey thanks for the gift, but no thanks. It's nice and all but...just not my thing."
Accepting our mission in life can be challenging, but if we know without a doubt God gave us a particular gift, let's trust that the purpose and plan He has for us has all the details worked out already.
