A Silent Conversation

After my little meltdown yesterday, things improved right away.  The past couple of days have been very renewing. 

Last night I gave my testimony to the women at Bradenton Transitions Center.  It was so awesome to see these ladies who had so much hope in their eyes.  It was beautiful and very enlightening.  There was so much passion even though they were confined to this facility.  I felt somewhat ashamed for having the kind of emotions that I was having.  Behind bars, they are feeling much more free than I was yesterday so I walked away with a very hardy lesson. 

Tonight I had the opportunity to sit down with a lovely woman and new friend who is a freelance writer.  She gave me tips, websites, and a lot of encouragement to pursue my dream career.  She put a lot of fears and concerns to rest and her advice was so valuable that I don't think I would ever forget it. She gave me a great foundation and I left her home feeling like I could do anything! 

After my meeting, I went grocery shopping.  Now in general, I have become some crazy woman who talks out loud to God where ever I go, but tonight I kept it silent.  I was careful not to be so involved in my thoughts though, otherwise there would've been nothing but oreos, frozen meals and who knows what other products may have landed in the cart. 

My silent conversation with God consisted of these matters:

1.  Keep it fun.  If I stop having fun than I will not want to do God's work.

"So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot.  For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?"  Ecclesiastes 3:22

2.  Work hard.

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."  
1 Corinthians 15:58

3. But not so hard that I don't take time for myself.

"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and in trust is your strength."  Isaiah 30:15

4.  Be wise and take advice from others who are experienced.

"Where no wise guidance is, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety."
Proverbs 11:14

5.  Just be myself.

"....For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearnce, but the Lord looks at the heart."  1 Samuel 16:7 (Remember this verse when looking at someone who is tattooed up and down.)

This is for all of us who have a dream we want to pursue.  This is just the beginning but I am sure more lessons will come along and as we go along in this journey. 

Sometimes You Just Have To Get Angry

About a year ago in January of 2011, I cried out to God telling Him He had one last chance to make everything right because with the way things were going, I couldn't see how much longer I would survive. He had one more chance.  That's the premises of my story and how I got saved and my life changed.  And yet I am still struggling.  Maybe not with drugs, alcohol, or even sex but placement. 

I did everything that I thought God wanted.  I quit drinking.  I don't get high anymore.  I have refrained from sex because....because I want to save myself for a husband.  I joined groups and said all the things that I thought He wanted me to say.  And yet....I am still struggling. 

People say, "Oh Theresa, it's great how transparent you are."  NO!  No.  It's not so great.  Just because I said I had some issues doesn't make me transparent. Everybody has done something...it's no big deal.  But now I will be transparent.  The issues go much deeper than the fact that I drank so much that I would blackout, my father committed suicide and I never got to go to his funeral or even seen where he was buried, that I wanted to commit suicide,  I got so high I didn't know where or who I was.....I had two abortions.  That's a big one, but not the issue.  I'm lost, jealous, scared of being that nobody that some have said that I am.  I am angry, confused, lonely,  hurting, out of my mind and why in the world would I want to be content with where I am.  I'm not.  Is that what God is waiting to hear?  I want more...give me more!  Make it happen!  I AM NOT CONTENT!  I WANT MORE!  IT....IS....NOT....ENOUGH!!  No wonder I did some of the things I did. No wonder why I still want to sometimes.  At least I forgot about all the pain.  Right?

And don't tell me I'm not really alone.  That God is with me.  I am not stupid.  I know that and I know God loves me...no offense but save it.  Now...with all that being said....God said something to me today:

 It's ok.  Get angry.  GET.....ANGRY!!  There is no more sugar-coating it.  Pastor Randy always says that the goal is to make it hard for people to go to hell.  You want to know how to make it hard?  Get....mad. Satan has pushed us around long enough.  He's played with our hearts and messed with our minds.  Even when you have done well, he made it so it wasn't good enough. When you feel like you've been outshined, he says yep! you have been.  When you are sobbing because you feel alone, he's laughing.  It was never man that made the fool out of me...it was him.  Satan.  The father of lies.  The one that told me today, "You messed up.  You are just like you always have been.  Sure maybe you are not doing those things, but you think about it. Admit it.  You know you do.  Recovered....I really don't think so.  You had your moment, but that's all it was...a mere moment.  Where are they?  All these people that said you did a great job.  Nobody wants you...they don't want to help you.  You bother them too much. You suck at your job.  They want to fire you you know.  You might as well go away.  Somebody love you?!  Please...look at you for crying out loud. All these hopes and dreams you have are a joke.  You are just one..big...joke. Just give up."

I cried and I cried and then I responded with one word: No. It's not the drugs, alcohol, sex, food addictions or whatever it is that you are struggling with that we are trying to find freedom from.  Those are tools that the devil put in our hands to take care of the anger, loneliness, despair, hoplessness....all of it. If the devil can numb us, then we won't know who God is.  No.  One year ago in January 2011, God heard the words that needed to be said.  "One last chance to make everything right."  February 2012, I am crying out to God again except to say, "We have come this far.  Now it's time for more and I am ready."  Yes, I have been doing what I am suppose to be doing, but He was waiting for one more thing.  To get angry.  To say I have had enough.  I will do it, I will say it...what do you want me to do now?

Get mad.  Push back and make it very clear to satan that you've had enough.

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

I woke up this morning in quite a comical way.  My dog Sunny trying to suffocate me because I wouldn't wake up fast enough to take him out.  So in other words, he tried to "take me out."  The dog can be relentless about his morning time rituals but at least he sticks to a schedule:

7:00 am:  Wake mommy up at all cost.
7:15 am:  Eat breakfast
7:20 am:  Dance around mommy until she takes me outside.

It's the same every single morning.  I have grown quite used to it.  So the morning started off in a humor but quickly turned into irritation when I got a text from my boss to come in a lot earlier (like three hours) because someone called in sick.  Just last week I had to stay late because someone was sick.  Now I know these things happen, but with the way my brain works, the thoughts were more like,'Is this going to happen every time?'  'Why me?' 'I wish I could just stick to the schedule.'  It all sounds quite stupid.  I know.  But there is a deeper issue than just having a schedule rearranged.  It's the fact of working for retail and growing tired of the business.  If I am feeling burnt out after six years, how in the world am I going to make it for another forty?!

I have been praying about this for a very long time but no answer.  Still praying but nothing.  My wonderful friends have been quite the encouragers lately and keep telling me I need to get into writing and start telling my little stories.  So it holds true.  After you hear so much how people think you're talented in something, you start believing it.  Just like when a person tells you how awful you are for so long...you believe it.  I know this all too well, unfortunately.  But God is good.  He put people in my life to encourage me and to help me see my self worth and I am thankful and grateful. 

So this is where Desperation invites himself into my home.  Retail takes a toll on you as I had just said and most people would do anything to get out of it.  Retail is scary.  You can lose your job at any moment, you often feel like you are not good enough, especially when you aren't selling, and in a lot of ways it's a big part of your life when you really don't want it to be.  And it seems no matter how much I pray, how more open minded I become....the business makes me miserable.  Now don't get me wrong....I love the people I work for.  They are probably the nicest and most fun bosses I ever had, but it has nothing to do with them personally, it just has to do with the business.  It can't happen fast enough for me to get out but I need to be very careful.

I believe God is starting to answer my prayer about a writing career.  This blog came about from a friend who said you need something seperate from Facebook to post your thoughts.  My other friend suggested someone to gain advice about freelance writing, and I ran into another friend who told me about a Christian organization that helps Christian writers.  She got a scholarship to go to their conference and hoping to be published.  Please pray for her.  So things are happening for sure.

"But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint."   Isaiah 40:31

Patience is definetly a virtue.  It's difficult for the Lord to help you if you get in the way and think you can do it better.  He is just and fair to give you the desires of your heart but we need to be patient so that He can put everything into place to make your dreams not only come true, but be better than what you could possibly imagine.  Getting in the way will only give us a so-so dream.  It won't be at it's fullest. I am desperate to get out of retail and move on to something new but my prayer is not so much about having a writing career.  That will happen.  I am certain of it.  My prayer is now for patience with God to work everything out the way that it should so that I can truly enjoy this new chapter in life (no pun intended there).  Plus...I want those who read my work to get the most out of it too and it would be wrong to cheat them because I am too eager. 

If I Would Just Talk To God the Way I Talk To My Dog

Here it is, the middle of the night and I am just feeling a little defeated about a few things going on in life.  So instead of turning to God and praying for the answers, I start talking to my other faithful companion....my dog Miko.  I lie on the bed and pat him on the head all the while he is fervently giving me kisses knowing he is needed  to heal my broken heart.  That's just like a dog.  Forever faithful until the end.  Always wanting to love, always wanting to please, always looking upon you with compassion and grace and always being the willing shoulder to cry on because after all, a dog just can not have any kind of distraught  in a home.  By nature they are always happy.  They want to love and be loyal and play and make you laugh.  That's what they live for...you.  So as I sit there telling Miko my deepest darkest secrets, he continues to give his best kisses as if to say, "Mom.  Everything is going to be just fine."  My dog.  Telling me with just a simple kiss that everything in life has a way of working out.

I am beginning to believe that there are certain healing properties to not only a dog's kiss but the look he has in his eyes as he looks upon you.  You can't find such true love anywhere.  Maybe that's why we trust our animal companions with our classified hearts not only because they literally can not tell anyone but they never judge you.  They are sympathetic to your sadness.  If someone has hurt you, they find a way to make you laugh.  Are you lonely?  They sit by your side to keep you company.  If you did something wrong, they help you work it out.  All around, they live up to the name COMPANION. 

So this is where the wheels in my head started to turn.  How come I can't seem to talk to God the way I talk to my dog?  Is it because my dogs are physically here and if I need a hug I can get it? Is it because I get a response even if it is in the form of a slobbery kiss?  It is possible the mere fact that a physical presence can bring us more comfort but if we just take a step out and reach for the Bible, we can find what we are looking for between the covers.

"Every word of God is flawless; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him."   Proverbs 30:5

It's as simple as a dog's kiss.  All we have to do is go in under His wing.  Talk it out with Him.  Let Him know what is happening in our minds.  He's listening to us.  He is comforting us and He knows that life can just be a little too much sometimes. The confusion, fear, guilt, etc....it all goes away when He speaks to us.

Staying Airborne

 “But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”  Isaiah 40:31

My father always wanted to be a pilot but was unable to due to his epilepsy, so he did the next best thing; he flew remote controlled airplanes.  He would build them and, along with a group of fellow flyers, would go to an open field to fly them.  My sister is a little bit older then me and was allowed to fly them, but I was not.  My part comes in a little later.  Sometimes, for whatever reason, the planes would crash.  My father would retrieve the plane and take them back to the garage in hopes to fix it so that he can fly the plane again.  This is where I come in.  I was allowed to assist in fixing the plane.  Once it was in working condition, our little family would be back at the field to give it a test run.  Most of the time it would stay airborne. 

Often times we are like that plane.  Flying around, feeling free until something goes haywire in our engine only to crash somewhere in the bushes.  Not necessarily burn, but certainly crash.  So God retrieves us, takes us back to the garage, fixes us up, and then back to the field where he sets us free again.  But His hands are on the controller to make sure we stay up in the air.  If we crash again...it's back to the garage to fix us up.  Once He works out all the kinks, He puts us back in the air.  Every now and then we are maintenanced.  A little tune up to make sure our parts are good so that we may continue to soar.