Sometimes You Just Have To Get Angry

About a year ago in January of 2011, I cried out to God telling Him He had one last chance to make everything right because with the way things were going, I couldn't see how much longer I would survive. He had one more chance.  That's the premises of my story and how I got saved and my life changed.  And yet I am still struggling.  Maybe not with drugs, alcohol, or even sex but placement. 

I did everything that I thought God wanted.  I quit drinking.  I don't get high anymore.  I have refrained from sex because....because I want to save myself for a husband.  I joined groups and said all the things that I thought He wanted me to say.  And yet....I am still struggling. 

People say, "Oh Theresa, it's great how transparent you are."  NO!  No.  It's not so great.  Just because I said I had some issues doesn't make me transparent. Everybody has done something...it's no big deal.  But now I will be transparent.  The issues go much deeper than the fact that I drank so much that I would blackout, my father committed suicide and I never got to go to his funeral or even seen where he was buried, that I wanted to commit suicide,  I got so high I didn't know where or who I was.....I had two abortions.  That's a big one, but not the issue.  I'm lost, jealous, scared of being that nobody that some have said that I am.  I am angry, confused, lonely,  hurting, out of my mind and why in the world would I want to be content with where I am.  I'm not.  Is that what God is waiting to hear?  I want more...give me more!  Make it happen!  I AM NOT CONTENT!  I WANT MORE!  IT....IS....NOT....ENOUGH!!  No wonder I did some of the things I did. No wonder why I still want to sometimes.  At least I forgot about all the pain.  Right?

And don't tell me I'm not really alone.  That God is with me.  I am not stupid.  I know that and I know God loves me...no offense but save it.  Now...with all that being said....God said something to me today:

 It's ok.  Get angry.  GET.....ANGRY!!  There is no more sugar-coating it.  Pastor Randy always says that the goal is to make it hard for people to go to hell.  You want to know how to make it hard?  Get....mad. Satan has pushed us around long enough.  He's played with our hearts and messed with our minds.  Even when you have done well, he made it so it wasn't good enough. When you feel like you've been outshined, he says yep! you have been.  When you are sobbing because you feel alone, he's laughing.  It was never man that made the fool out of me...it was him.  Satan.  The father of lies.  The one that told me today, "You messed up.  You are just like you always have been.  Sure maybe you are not doing those things, but you think about it. Admit it.  You know you do.  Recovered....I really don't think so.  You had your moment, but that's all it was...a mere moment.  Where are they?  All these people that said you did a great job.  Nobody wants you...they don't want to help you.  You bother them too much. You suck at your job.  They want to fire you you know.  You might as well go away.  Somebody love you?!  Please...look at you for crying out loud. All these hopes and dreams you have are a joke.  You are just one..big...joke. Just give up."

I cried and I cried and then I responded with one word: No. It's not the drugs, alcohol, sex, food addictions or whatever it is that you are struggling with that we are trying to find freedom from.  Those are tools that the devil put in our hands to take care of the anger, loneliness, despair, hoplessness....all of it. If the devil can numb us, then we won't know who God is.  No.  One year ago in January 2011, God heard the words that needed to be said.  "One last chance to make everything right."  February 2012, I am crying out to God again except to say, "We have come this far.  Now it's time for more and I am ready."  Yes, I have been doing what I am suppose to be doing, but He was waiting for one more thing.  To get angry.  To say I have had enough.  I will do it, I will say it...what do you want me to do now?

Get mad.  Push back and make it very clear to satan that you've had enough.