Dear God.....

I am a no nonsense girl.
Make it happen
Or don't make it at all.
Either way, let me know
So that I can just pick up
And keep going.

Forgive me for being so rude.
Forgive me for being so blunt.
I am not angry with You.
Just a little tired of waiting

Your memory never fails....
That night.
You know....
That night? 
When I cried out to You.
Begging You to fix it
Or leave me to continue
In my misery?

Now we find ourselves back
On that faithful night. 
The words
Revolve around once more
Just with a different meaning.

What a challenge I have been.
Fighting You,
Loving You,
Longing for You,
Just to turn away again.

And yet here I am.
Back to that faithful night.
The night when it all changed forever.
Just a few words
That took the last bit of energy
I had left.

I fell to the ground lifeless,
You picked me up.
You lifted my head.
And looked into my eyes
And You made the promise....

"I will never let you go."

And You kept it.
Because I am still here.
I am still here.
I have tested You
And You kept it.
Thank You for keeping Your promise.

So here we are once again.
I've been wandering for awhile
And I have grown a little tired.
Just a little weak. 

Maybe I am missing it.
Perhaps I refuse to listen.
Or maybe I am ashamed
To admit I'm scared.

Pick me up again
Oh Lord.
Take me into Your arms
And carry me to where we need to go.

I may not recognize the surroundings
But I trust You will bring me to
That resting place.

Always With Love,
Your Daughter.

 

How come?

As I was doing my Bible study, tonight's topic was very intriguing.  It was about not always getting the answer to the question why.  This was the lesson for me because I am fully of "whys."

1.  Why did I make some of the choices I made?
2.  Why was my exhusband so mean to me?
3.  Why didn't I just stand up and do the right thing?
4.  Why am I so fearful....of everything?
5.  Why am I so lonely?
6.  Why can't I get the nice guy?
7.  Why isn't God's love just enough for me?
8.  Why can't I stop being so prideful?
9.  Why isn't there a clearer direction of what I am suppose to do?
10.  Why does it seem like when I do step out to do something, it leads to a dead end?
11. Why....
12.  Why....
13.  And how come....

The "whys" could continue but at some point we have to just stop asking why and just accept things are the way they are because they are suppose to be.  And we have to understand that God does have a purpose and a plan even when we don't see how there could be a purpose or a plan. 

One of my biggest fears is making the wrong decision and God would be displeased and curse me.  Yes...I actually still live in fear of God from time to time.  I still lack understanding that it's not in what I do that makes Him love me, but it's just being.  I keep thinking, "If I just do what everyone else is doing than God will bless me and I will find favor with many."  How freaking screwed up is that thought process?  Let me make a face at my own embarrassing thought here.   :/

I have tried doing what many others are doing and all it leads to is frustration, disappointment and bitterness.  I doubt this is God's plan. And I doubt it's God's plan to sit here and do nothing because no one benefits from idleness.  I felt guilty for wanting to go down a certain path because surely it's not the most popular one but then again, WHY does my plan have to be like everyone else's.  Can you imagine just how much would go undone if we all did the same thing?

Knowing why I am where I am at will probably never get answered so I am wasting valuable time when I could just move forward and figure out the answer to this question, "What is it You want me to do and where can I pick up the equipment to accomplish this mission?" 

I won't sit here and spit out the same cheesy lines that so many spit out.  With all due respect, it lacks creativity and I believe God made us to be creative just like Him.  I am sure He finds amusement in seeing what our brains can come up with and I believe He eventually will come along to help bring order to whatever idea is brewing in our heads.  With that being said, I could say, "If you keep your eye on God, than your path will become clear."  Or I could say, "God is good."  Not saying that He isn't but think of it more like this:

So many of us have been through so much in our lives.  Some had it worst than others but pain is pain no matter the degree of that pain and no matter how long the suffering has gone on.  None of us really want to suffer even if it's a tiny bit.  God takes pity on us.  We cry and He is quick to answer.  The mere fact that He gives us strength, comfort and encouragement should be enough to abolish the question of why because at the end of the day...it doesn't really matter. What matters is that we went through it and we now have a tool to help, give hope, and encourage others.  Yes...God is good.  He is good because He cares about what we are going through and He has a solution to our troubles but we can't receive the solution unless we are willing to listen and  keep our eyes on Him.

Watch Him. 
Learn from Him.
Mimic Him.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor your ways My ways, declares the Lord."  Isaiah 55:9

"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."  Psalm 18:32

You And Me

Take a look around.
What do you have to fear?
No one is in this room to hurt you.
It's just you and Me child.

Say what you need to say.
I AM is listening.
I AM wants to know
what is lying on your heart.

I have seen the tears
And I have heard your cries.
You may thought that I have left you,
But that is untrue.

Understand the enemy is hard at work.
He wants to fool you into feeling
unloved,
unimportant,
and worst of all....
like trash on the side of the road.

Is that what you believe?
Have you seen evidence of those things
from Me?

My child,
Let me give you a book.
In this book, you will see the truth.
It will show the enemy at face value.
It will tell you what I really feel for you.

Take a look around.
What do you have to fear?
No one is in this room to hurt you.
It's just you and Me. 
It's always been you and Me.