I don't even know how to begin what is laying on my heart. For the past couple days, I have felt all emotion leave me. I don't know the reason. Any happiness, anger, love, contentment....all of the emotions a person could possibly feel just went away. But one remained. Curiosity.
I started to question everything. The age old question of Why are we here? What is the point? How is it we can live each day without questioning the purpose of it. What is it that God is waiting for in order to send His Son for us?
Many have compared our modern society to the likings of Sodom and Gomorrah. Chaotic and no concern for true happiness and health. Each one of us trying to forget the prison sentence we have to endure in the mean time until that day comes for Jesus to set us free. We drink, do drugs, have sex, eat our hearts out, we cut ourselves, we control others....the tools we use to forget are endless. God could end it any time but if I am to go by history; God seems to be waiting for something. Or maybe He is looking for proof.
I find it difficult to wrap my head around the fact that God knows what is going to happen even though we have a choice in the outcome of how the world is to be. So I guess the questions I have for God is, "What is it that You are looking for? What is it that You want from us? What is it that You are needing in order for you to send Jesus to collect us?"
My theory, if I was to think of the more popular Bible stories, is He is looking for trust in time of adversity (Job), faith that we will be delivered into a Promise Land (Exodus), and enough love that we can ban together to make such things so (The Bible itself). Satan is looking to disprove any and all compassion God has for the very beings He created. So now I come to believe that God is needing our help to show Satan that he is wrong.
The Bible fits together like a puzzle peice. The history of us, our people, are in the Bible and yet each story in that book is a prediction of our future. All linking together to give a clear and simple message.
It's a subject that can be written about for days and pondered about for a lifetime. And maybe that is how God wants it so that we pay attention to the severity of the situation at hand. If our minds are open, we can prepare for what is to come and we can prove to Satan that he can give it his all to tear us away from God but when we have our faith, trust, and love, he will eventually lose the battle. Oh yeah...he will take some limbs, beat us up, and shoot at us. It's the nature of war. Victory still can be accomplished even when we are not whole.
“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword." Matthew 10:34
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Friends
All week I was feeling a little bummed. Mostly feeling lonely. Everyone around me seems to be finding their loves, mates....whatever you want to call them and I feel like I am left in the dust. But then I go to Celebrate Recovery tonight and even I found it amazing how my mood changed once I got there. You see people you haven't seen all week, you get that uplifting word you need to hear, and a good message you can't help but to apply to your life. Plus you see people you invited and hoped would be there and they are! It's a wonderful thing. So it got me thinking....don't worry....I am not going too deep on this one.
I have said many a time over how grateful I am to have the friends I do. And the following reasons are why:
I have friends that I can tell my deepest darkest secrets.
I have friends that I can get into deep conversations with.
Friends that will pray for my dog when he's hurt.
Friends that I know I can get that encouraging word from.
I have friends that guide me in the right direction.
Ones that water me so that I can grow.
Some encourage me to go after my dreams.
Others help me to think things through.
There a few that listen when I need to vent.
And others who see the best in me.
Some are meant to talk about the weather with.
While others are meant to talk with about the universe.
Others make me laugh.
While I like to make them laugh too.
I love getting and giving hugs.
But sorry no kissing...LOL!!!
There are those that cry with me when I am sad.
And there are others that laugh with me when I split my pants at work.
Some don't care if I repeat myself (like in this post).
Others just plain tell me when I am being silly but do it with love.
There are those that carry me when I think I can't take another step.
And those that pray with me so that I can keep going.
New friends are always welcome.
Old friends are always cherished.
And of course I have friends of the furry kind.
I am so blessed to have so many types of friends. A unique blend of people (and animals) that have come into my life to help make me the person I am today.
"As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." Proverbs 27:17
I have said many a time over how grateful I am to have the friends I do. And the following reasons are why:
I have friends that I can tell my deepest darkest secrets.
I have friends that I can get into deep conversations with.
Friends that will pray for my dog when he's hurt.
Friends that I know I can get that encouraging word from.
I have friends that guide me in the right direction.
Ones that water me so that I can grow.
Some encourage me to go after my dreams.
Others help me to think things through.
There a few that listen when I need to vent.
And others who see the best in me.
Some are meant to talk about the weather with.
While others are meant to talk with about the universe.
Others make me laugh.
While I like to make them laugh too.
I love getting and giving hugs.
But sorry no kissing...LOL!!!
There are those that cry with me when I am sad.
And there are others that laugh with me when I split my pants at work.
Some don't care if I repeat myself (like in this post).
Others just plain tell me when I am being silly but do it with love.
There are those that carry me when I think I can't take another step.
And those that pray with me so that I can keep going.
New friends are always welcome.
Old friends are always cherished.
And of course I have friends of the furry kind.
I am so blessed to have so many types of friends. A unique blend of people (and animals) that have come into my life to help make me the person I am today.
"As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." Proverbs 27:17
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
A Condemning Matter
I had been sitting here trying to think of what to write. Writer's block. The writer's enemy. Their kryptonite. But one thing that kept popping up in my head was: condemnation. Well Theresa...what is going on in your life that THAT popped up?
It's so funny because I am sitting here trying to figure out how to go about writing this post without going against anonymity. In a way, I have to tell the story to make the point I want to make but then I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone. I guess I can say that someone had made me to feel condemned even though I had apologized a couple of weeks ago. I was mad because I felt the situation was taken care of and they felt the need to keep bringing it up. I was more angry with myself though because I allowed this person to make me feel this way. I found myself apologizing again and more fervently and I shouldn't of had to. After all...I have to appease everyone. It's a sickness that I realized after the fact that is going too far now.
People are not perfect. Whether big or small, everyone makes mistakes. It happens but what's even better is if we humble ourselves enough to owe up to it and make it right with the other person and with God, then we are good to go and to move on.
"Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." Matthew 5:23-24
Says nothing about keeping it going though. What to do when you feel the situation is done but the other person doesn't? I can honestly say I have no clue.
I am becoming a leader in a couple of groups. I am going to have to learn how to deal with such matters and how to not take it too personally. I am truly at a loss over this and decided this requires advice not just from my closest friends but the big guy himself. Well, yes God, but I also mean the Pastor. I figure he probably deals with this sort of thing quite often so it seems fitting to get advice from him. I won't get my answers until next week. So until then...please pray I find what I am looking for.
It's so funny because I am sitting here trying to figure out how to go about writing this post without going against anonymity. In a way, I have to tell the story to make the point I want to make but then I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone. I guess I can say that someone had made me to feel condemned even though I had apologized a couple of weeks ago. I was mad because I felt the situation was taken care of and they felt the need to keep bringing it up. I was more angry with myself though because I allowed this person to make me feel this way. I found myself apologizing again and more fervently and I shouldn't of had to. After all...I have to appease everyone. It's a sickness that I realized after the fact that is going too far now.
People are not perfect. Whether big or small, everyone makes mistakes. It happens but what's even better is if we humble ourselves enough to owe up to it and make it right with the other person and with God, then we are good to go and to move on.
"Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." Matthew 5:23-24
Says nothing about keeping it going though. What to do when you feel the situation is done but the other person doesn't? I can honestly say I have no clue.
I am becoming a leader in a couple of groups. I am going to have to learn how to deal with such matters and how to not take it too personally. I am truly at a loss over this and decided this requires advice not just from my closest friends but the big guy himself. Well, yes God, but I also mean the Pastor. I figure he probably deals with this sort of thing quite often so it seems fitting to get advice from him. I won't get my answers until next week. So until then...please pray I find what I am looking for.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Just a Little Bit of Faith
My friend had asked me to pet-sit for her two dogs and cats while her and her daughter took a trip to California. Me being the animal lover I am, could not say no. The night before she left, I went to her home to get shown the ropes. Her poodle was as sweet as a dog could be and had no issue with me being there. The other dog though, he is a poodle mix and could not stop barking at me let alone get near me. I had my work cut out for me over the week. I thought, "If this dog doesn't trust me, how will I be able to even walk him?"
The first night came and I was smart. I would put their leashes on while they were still in their kennel. He would have no choice but to trust me a little bit. I noticed on our walk that he kept as far a distance that he possibly could as well as an eye on me to make sure I did nothing tricky. When I gave him a treat he would only take it if I left it in on the floor. He would grab it and run. I sat on the couch petting the other dog and would try to call him to come up and relax with us but to no avail. He would run around in circles and bark if I even made a move. His attitude changed a little bit though when I put them in their kennel for the evening and then all of a sudden he was Mr. Friendly. Hmmmm......
Second night I went back and did the same thing. On the walk I noticed he got a little closer to me and when I gave him his treat, he actually took it from my hand. I sat on the couch again with the other dog petting him and the little guy would run, jump up on the couch and then zoomed away. I figured it was some progress.
Last night and round three. Took the dogs for their walk and this time Itsy Bitsy (the little fearful dog) would stand right near me. He also took the treat out of my hand again but would run off with it as he did the night before. Again, I sat on the couch with the other dog and had my head rested up against the back. Itsy looked at me and I said, "Come here Itsy and join us." He walked over and jumped on the couch and lied down and allowed me to pet him. And then I got thinking. I know I know.
I started to think about trust and faith. To be more specific...God and trust and faith. Sometimes we are like Itsy Bitsy. Very cautious and not sure what to make of God. Who is He? Will He hurt me if I get near Him? What is it that He wants from me? But God is patient. Only giving out as much as we are willing to grab. I didn't push Itsy to come close to me and God doesn't push either. He gives us a little bit and let's us run to a safe place and be at a safe distance until we figure out who He is. He sits and waits for us hanging out with others but offers an open invitation to join them when we are ready. As each day passes, God attempts to come a little closer but is willing to stand back if we feel threatened. He becomes consistent in who He is and our trust begins to grow. Like Itsy, we start to see God isn't here to hurt us but to spend time with us so we move in closer and allow God to love us.
Itsy needed time to figure out who I was. Because I gave him his space, he was able to analyze who I was and saw that I was someone to be trusted so with a leap of faith....he sat next to me and was loved.
"For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world-our faith." 1 John5:4
The first night came and I was smart. I would put their leashes on while they were still in their kennel. He would have no choice but to trust me a little bit. I noticed on our walk that he kept as far a distance that he possibly could as well as an eye on me to make sure I did nothing tricky. When I gave him a treat he would only take it if I left it in on the floor. He would grab it and run. I sat on the couch petting the other dog and would try to call him to come up and relax with us but to no avail. He would run around in circles and bark if I even made a move. His attitude changed a little bit though when I put them in their kennel for the evening and then all of a sudden he was Mr. Friendly. Hmmmm......
Second night I went back and did the same thing. On the walk I noticed he got a little closer to me and when I gave him his treat, he actually took it from my hand. I sat on the couch again with the other dog petting him and the little guy would run, jump up on the couch and then zoomed away. I figured it was some progress.
Last night and round three. Took the dogs for their walk and this time Itsy Bitsy (the little fearful dog) would stand right near me. He also took the treat out of my hand again but would run off with it as he did the night before. Again, I sat on the couch with the other dog and had my head rested up against the back. Itsy looked at me and I said, "Come here Itsy and join us." He walked over and jumped on the couch and lied down and allowed me to pet him. And then I got thinking. I know I know.
I started to think about trust and faith. To be more specific...God and trust and faith. Sometimes we are like Itsy Bitsy. Very cautious and not sure what to make of God. Who is He? Will He hurt me if I get near Him? What is it that He wants from me? But God is patient. Only giving out as much as we are willing to grab. I didn't push Itsy to come close to me and God doesn't push either. He gives us a little bit and let's us run to a safe place and be at a safe distance until we figure out who He is. He sits and waits for us hanging out with others but offers an open invitation to join them when we are ready. As each day passes, God attempts to come a little closer but is willing to stand back if we feel threatened. He becomes consistent in who He is and our trust begins to grow. Like Itsy, we start to see God isn't here to hurt us but to spend time with us so we move in closer and allow God to love us.
Itsy needed time to figure out who I was. Because I gave him his space, he was able to analyze who I was and saw that I was someone to be trusted so with a leap of faith....he sat next to me and was loved.
"For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world-our faith." 1 John5:4
Monday, March 12, 2012
Love Me, Notice Me, Want Me
My friend gave me a book called "Lady in Waiting." I have only read the first few chapters, but wow! What a difference it's making in my life already.
I have written a little bit about being single and even brought out my humorous side about the subject. But this book touches on how, as single women, we need to take advantage of this time and make the most of it as well as grow closer to God for ourselves. It makes sense. We sit here and worry about whether or not we will ever find our mate when that time you spend worrying...you can be doing something useful. You can stand on your head all day long and that would be better use of that time.
So far, I was touched on a certain subject in the book that really got my brain juices flowing. It talked about how we "set up" ways to get closer to some guy we are interested in or make it so that we get noticed by someone. "Chance rendevous" it was called. Doing things in hopes you will find the man of your dreams (or for the fellas...woman of your dreams). I took this thought one step further though.
I started thinking about how we go around trying to impress others. We won't admit to it, but let's face it...we all want to be noticed one way or the other. I know I do. A brief video testimony was shown in front of thousands after all. I went from a nobody to a somebody and by golly I refuse to go back to being a nobody again. So now I have to do what I can to stay in the lime light....right? No...I don't need to be doing anything. It's not about being the center of attention. It's about God and the people that will turn to Him because someone said something that made them know they are forgiven, not alone, and that God can change anyone and any circumstance.
It has brought me joy to see so many touched by just a sliver of my story. But I will also boldly admit that even with all the positive feedback, I still remain alone. Still feeling invisible and on the hunt to win the approval of others. Feeling like I need to now work harder to keep people inspired so that at the end of the day....people will still be interested in me.
But then I read about how when we do things to try and impress the opposite sex (or just simply others in my thought process), we have to put ourselves in check and ask, "What are my real motives for doing this?" "Is it to impress someone or am I really doing this for God?"
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." Colossians 3:23
The Bible has it beautifully written and so simple.
"Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, SELFISH AMBITIONS, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God." Galations 5:19-21
That doesn't exactly sound like the person I want to be. I would rather become this kind of person:
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is not law.
......Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another." Galatians 5:22-23,26
It won't happen overnight, but make an effort to replace a bad quality with a good one. Before you know it, you will be the person of God you are meant to be and there will be no need for the "Look at me's." Our satisfaction will be in working for God. How less anxious does that make you to know you don't have to impress anyone to make them interested in you? God is already interested and invested in you. At the end of the day....He is the one who will notice you even if no one else does.
I have written a little bit about being single and even brought out my humorous side about the subject. But this book touches on how, as single women, we need to take advantage of this time and make the most of it as well as grow closer to God for ourselves. It makes sense. We sit here and worry about whether or not we will ever find our mate when that time you spend worrying...you can be doing something useful. You can stand on your head all day long and that would be better use of that time.
So far, I was touched on a certain subject in the book that really got my brain juices flowing. It talked about how we "set up" ways to get closer to some guy we are interested in or make it so that we get noticed by someone. "Chance rendevous" it was called. Doing things in hopes you will find the man of your dreams (or for the fellas...woman of your dreams). I took this thought one step further though.
I started thinking about how we go around trying to impress others. We won't admit to it, but let's face it...we all want to be noticed one way or the other. I know I do. A brief video testimony was shown in front of thousands after all. I went from a nobody to a somebody and by golly I refuse to go back to being a nobody again. So now I have to do what I can to stay in the lime light....right? No...I don't need to be doing anything. It's not about being the center of attention. It's about God and the people that will turn to Him because someone said something that made them know they are forgiven, not alone, and that God can change anyone and any circumstance.
It has brought me joy to see so many touched by just a sliver of my story. But I will also boldly admit that even with all the positive feedback, I still remain alone. Still feeling invisible and on the hunt to win the approval of others. Feeling like I need to now work harder to keep people inspired so that at the end of the day....people will still be interested in me.
But then I read about how when we do things to try and impress the opposite sex (or just simply others in my thought process), we have to put ourselves in check and ask, "What are my real motives for doing this?" "Is it to impress someone or am I really doing this for God?"
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." Colossians 3:23
The Bible has it beautifully written and so simple.
"Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, SELFISH AMBITIONS, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God." Galations 5:19-21
That doesn't exactly sound like the person I want to be. I would rather become this kind of person:
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is not law.
......Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another." Galatians 5:22-23,26
It won't happen overnight, but make an effort to replace a bad quality with a good one. Before you know it, you will be the person of God you are meant to be and there will be no need for the "Look at me's." Our satisfaction will be in working for God. How less anxious does that make you to know you don't have to impress anyone to make them interested in you? God is already interested and invested in you. At the end of the day....He is the one who will notice you even if no one else does.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
And I Cried
Tonight, as I went to kneel and pray,
Nothing came out.
No words.
Not even a sound.
I put my head on the bed and folded my hands onto my lap.
Still not a peep.
A moment or two later,
I opened my mouth as if to say something
but instead of my voice....
I let out a deep sigh.
My chest heaved silently
and my tears dropped down.
A word not needed to be spoken in this prayer.
The silence and tears did all the talking.
It was enough and God knew what I was saying.
I kept my head on the bed and my fingers intertwined
and a voice in my head replied,
"Don't you worry about a thing child.
It will all be ok and I am here for you.
Let it out my little one."
And I cried as He cupped His hands
so that as every tear fell He would catch each one.
Every concern, hope, dream, and worry...
Every pain, emotion and fear.
They were disguised as my tears and fell right into
His hands.
Every last drop.
"And behold, a woman in the city who was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at the table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of fragrant oil, and stood at His feet behind Him weeping; and she began to wash His feet with her tears, and wiped them with the hair of her head; and she kissed His feet and anointed them with the fragrant oil.
.....Then He turned to the woman and said to Simon, 'Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has washed My feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head. You gave Me no kiss, but this woman has not ceased to kiss My feet since the time I came in. You did not anoint My head with oil, but this woman has anointed My feet with fragrant oil. Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much.
.....Then He said to the woman, 'Your faith has saved you. Go in peace.'"
Luke 7:37-38,44-47,50
I cocked my head to the side but it still rested on the bed.
No more tears fell and God took them.
He took them with Him.
Where? I do not know
but they are His now.
There are some prayers that do not need to be spoken.
Just like the sinful woman...
her tears were enough.
Sometimes that is all He needs from us.
Nothing came out.
No words.
Not even a sound.
I put my head on the bed and folded my hands onto my lap.
Still not a peep.
A moment or two later,
I opened my mouth as if to say something
but instead of my voice....
I let out a deep sigh.
My chest heaved silently
and my tears dropped down.
A word not needed to be spoken in this prayer.
The silence and tears did all the talking.
It was enough and God knew what I was saying.
I kept my head on the bed and my fingers intertwined
and a voice in my head replied,
"Don't you worry about a thing child.
It will all be ok and I am here for you.
Let it out my little one."
And I cried as He cupped His hands
so that as every tear fell He would catch each one.
Every concern, hope, dream, and worry...
Every pain, emotion and fear.
They were disguised as my tears and fell right into
His hands.
Every last drop.
"And behold, a woman in the city who was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at the table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of fragrant oil, and stood at His feet behind Him weeping; and she began to wash His feet with her tears, and wiped them with the hair of her head; and she kissed His feet and anointed them with the fragrant oil.
.....Then He turned to the woman and said to Simon, 'Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has washed My feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head. You gave Me no kiss, but this woman has not ceased to kiss My feet since the time I came in. You did not anoint My head with oil, but this woman has anointed My feet with fragrant oil. Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much.
.....Then He said to the woman, 'Your faith has saved you. Go in peace.'"
Luke 7:37-38,44-47,50
I cocked my head to the side but it still rested on the bed.
No more tears fell and God took them.
He took them with Him.
Where? I do not know
but they are His now.
There are some prayers that do not need to be spoken.
Just like the sinful woman...
her tears were enough.
Sometimes that is all He needs from us.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Ah....Love
One of my favorite new shows is Once Upon A Time. It has everything I like. The Disneyesque quality with a twist. Just the way I like my stories. Anyways, this past week's episode was about love. Grumpy, from the seven dwarfs, was in love with a fairy but was convinced it couldn't be. It was really quite sad. But it got me thinking...a dangerous past time for me, I know. I started to think about being in love and having that desire to want that special someone in your life.
As I mentioned before, I go to CareNet every other Tuesday for my counseling sessions. I am sadly, at the age of 34, learning about the meaning of sex. It's been a real eye opener for me and I am so grateful to be learning about love and the importance of saving myself (or at least what I have left) for my future husband. Frankly, I deserve such happiness and so does he.
My friend always says that God is growing my future husband. Getting him ready for me, and believe me, God is going to have to provide the poor fella with a lot of patience and strong bones because I am clumsy and there is a 99.9% chance something could get broken, bruised, or battered. Poor guy. Anyways, I of course have my list for God on the man of my dreams:
1. Animal lover.
2. Vegetarian is not necessary but wouldn't hurt. Yeah I know....that one is a stretch.
3. A Christian of course.
4. I want someone I can talk deeply with about the Bible. It's fun and we can learn so much together about God by getting deep in the word together.
5. Open to sleeping with my dogs.
6. Open to having a wife full of tattoos.
7. I like boxing, car races, hockey, roller coasters and the symphony. How that works together...I don't know.
8. He cooks...I clean. That's the only way we are not going to die of starvation.
9. He has to have a passion for something and doing whatever it is he's doing for God.
10. He has to love to laugh. A lot.
11. A protector, provider, and an encourager.
12. Star Wars fan. That's right. I said it.
Not asking for a lot here....lol. God is good to give us the desires of our hearts and I trust He will provide me with the best husband a woman could ask for. But how will I know who he is? Good question Theresa. I have a theory about this thing called love and I think I figured out how it works.
Our hearts are not exactly whole. We have an empty spot that remains until that one for us comes. We have a section for our family and friends, the things that bring us joy and a section for God but He purposely leaves an empty section for the one who will come into our lives. That's why our hearts ache as single people. It's looking for the other heart to make it whole. But the heart is usually wise to know it shouldn't let just any heart into it's empty slot. If it lets the wrong one in then major damage can be done and time is wasted as it goes under reconstruction. But when the right one does come, something happens to the heart. It recognizes it's match and both are overjoyed to have found one another. They both reach out to eachother and grab on and fuse together. Then our hearts are whole. We have a section for our family and friends, the things that bring us joy, a part for God, and a section for our true love.
As I mentioned before, I go to CareNet every other Tuesday for my counseling sessions. I am sadly, at the age of 34, learning about the meaning of sex. It's been a real eye opener for me and I am so grateful to be learning about love and the importance of saving myself (or at least what I have left) for my future husband. Frankly, I deserve such happiness and so does he.
My friend always says that God is growing my future husband. Getting him ready for me, and believe me, God is going to have to provide the poor fella with a lot of patience and strong bones because I am clumsy and there is a 99.9% chance something could get broken, bruised, or battered. Poor guy. Anyways, I of course have my list for God on the man of my dreams:
1. Animal lover.
2. Vegetarian is not necessary but wouldn't hurt. Yeah I know....that one is a stretch.
3. A Christian of course.
4. I want someone I can talk deeply with about the Bible. It's fun and we can learn so much together about God by getting deep in the word together.
5. Open to sleeping with my dogs.
6. Open to having a wife full of tattoos.
7. I like boxing, car races, hockey, roller coasters and the symphony. How that works together...I don't know.
8. He cooks...I clean. That's the only way we are not going to die of starvation.
9. He has to have a passion for something and doing whatever it is he's doing for God.
10. He has to love to laugh. A lot.
11. A protector, provider, and an encourager.
12. Star Wars fan. That's right. I said it.
Not asking for a lot here....lol. God is good to give us the desires of our hearts and I trust He will provide me with the best husband a woman could ask for. But how will I know who he is? Good question Theresa. I have a theory about this thing called love and I think I figured out how it works.
Our hearts are not exactly whole. We have an empty spot that remains until that one for us comes. We have a section for our family and friends, the things that bring us joy and a section for God but He purposely leaves an empty section for the one who will come into our lives. That's why our hearts ache as single people. It's looking for the other heart to make it whole. But the heart is usually wise to know it shouldn't let just any heart into it's empty slot. If it lets the wrong one in then major damage can be done and time is wasted as it goes under reconstruction. But when the right one does come, something happens to the heart. It recognizes it's match and both are overjoyed to have found one another. They both reach out to eachother and grab on and fuse together. Then our hearts are whole. We have a section for our family and friends, the things that bring us joy, a part for God, and a section for our true love.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
I've Been Wandering in the Desert and Could Use a Drink of Water Please
Every other Tuesday, I go to CareNet for counseling services. Well sord of. I started there to get counseling for post-abortion and my counselor (who has also become my dear friend) got me started on watching videos about sexual purity and health after we had completed the post-abortion sessions. Anyhow, this past week I had visited with her and, as I usually do during our appointed time together, I vented out whatever drama that was happening in my life whether it was emotional or actually happening. This week's melodramatic tale included: finding a husband, what to do about my career, having time for volunteer/ministry work, questioning if all this recovery is worth it and basically feeling completely lost in life itself.
As usual, she had insight to my issue. This one has been the most profound yet.
"For the children of Israel walked forty years in the wilderness, till all the people who were men of war, who came out of Egypt, were consumed, because they did not obey the voice of the Lord-to whom the Lord swore that He would not show them the land which the Lord had sworn to their fathers that He would give us, 'a land flowing with milk and honey.'" Joshua 5:6
She reminded me of the Israelites who wandered the desert for forty years. Lost, confused and feeling like they were better off as slaves than not knowing what their future held. They were promised this great land to go to...but nothing...even though the "land flowing with milk and honey" was right in front of them. They kept missing it because they weren't exactly submitting their whole selves to God and trusting Him that He would get them to where they were promised.
The first thought I had was, "She's a genius!" It was so simple. Sometimes we claim we are giving it all and I mean ALL of it to God when we are really holding on to a small peice. We think, "Well, I can handle this part and God can have the rest to deal with it." The funny thing is that when God says to give whatever it is that you're going through fully to Him...He means it. He doesn't want a quarter of it, half of it but all of it. Even if it is a part we think we can handle on our own, we can still screw up the whole plan with even the simplest and tiniest detail.
For a while now I have been wandering in an internal desert. I became sober from drugs, alcohol, guilt, shame and other vices and then I became bored, confused and just plain lost in what the next step was. I started to panic and felt like I had to hurry to do something with this new life that God was delivering me into. I have the Promise Land right in front of me but choose to stay in bondage because I refuse to give it ALL to God.
So the solution is quite simple:
"Give ALL your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you." 1Peter 5:7
As usual, she had insight to my issue. This one has been the most profound yet.
"For the children of Israel walked forty years in the wilderness, till all the people who were men of war, who came out of Egypt, were consumed, because they did not obey the voice of the Lord-to whom the Lord swore that He would not show them the land which the Lord had sworn to their fathers that He would give us, 'a land flowing with milk and honey.'" Joshua 5:6
She reminded me of the Israelites who wandered the desert for forty years. Lost, confused and feeling like they were better off as slaves than not knowing what their future held. They were promised this great land to go to...but nothing...even though the "land flowing with milk and honey" was right in front of them. They kept missing it because they weren't exactly submitting their whole selves to God and trusting Him that He would get them to where they were promised.
The first thought I had was, "She's a genius!" It was so simple. Sometimes we claim we are giving it all and I mean ALL of it to God when we are really holding on to a small peice. We think, "Well, I can handle this part and God can have the rest to deal with it." The funny thing is that when God says to give whatever it is that you're going through fully to Him...He means it. He doesn't want a quarter of it, half of it but all of it. Even if it is a part we think we can handle on our own, we can still screw up the whole plan with even the simplest and tiniest detail.
For a while now I have been wandering in an internal desert. I became sober from drugs, alcohol, guilt, shame and other vices and then I became bored, confused and just plain lost in what the next step was. I started to panic and felt like I had to hurry to do something with this new life that God was delivering me into. I have the Promise Land right in front of me but choose to stay in bondage because I refuse to give it ALL to God.
So the solution is quite simple:
"Give ALL your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you." 1Peter 5:7
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Bitter roots? Use RoundUp.
I have been such a big baby over the past week or two. Just so foul in my mood that it began to slowly pour out. It was not good and I was willing to do whatever it took to get rid of this disease that was taking over my mind. My dear friend listened patiently as I texted my little fingers off about all my sins to her. But no matter how much I vented, I wasn't feeling or doing better. I chose to hold on to my...whatever it is you want to call it and not listen to reason. I was standing in quicksand and sinking quicker and quicker, but then God threw a line and pulled me out.
It started last night when I went to do Underground Ministry with a few friends. Wow! What a night! And how quickly you forget what's wrong in your life when you are listening to these beautiful ladies talk about all the turmoil they are going through. I went home feeling a change come about my attitude.
After last night, God went in "for the kill." Today's sermon. It was about forgiveness and He made sure I paid full attention. Our Pastor Randy talked about how we make one of the following choices. We either fight back or we take a flight reaction. That was me. Option two. It was always so easy for me to say, "Ah just forget them. Forget it all!" And I was pretty much there by the end of this semi- silent little hissy fit I was throwing yet I was determined to work through it. So the sermon went on and two verses caught my attention. The first one:
"......looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;" Hebrews 12:15
Fortunately it was more like bitter weeds that were popping up and they haven't take root. Then I was reading the verse before it as I was writing this.
"Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord:" Hebrews 12:14
So God and I took out the bottle of RoundUp (a very big bottle) and sprayed those bitter weeds. It takes a little time for them to die, but once they do, God will be plucking them right out and in the garbage they go.
God is amazing in His love. He has been by my side. Talking, comforting, teaching, and loving me. He hasn't let go of my hand yet. Some questions popped up that God felt I needed to ponder on.
1. What kind of person do you want to be?
2. Why do you feel the need to have constant affirmation?
3. Isn't MY love enough for you?
4. What are you going to stand up for?
5. Are you willing to stand alone at times?
6. How willing are you to stay quiet until I tell you to speak?
7. Why do you feel you have to have other's attention at all times?
8. Do you not trust me to provide you with purpose and happiness all at the same time?
9. Do you not trust me to provide you with a husband of worth?
10. Do you even trust me at all?
'Be yourself Theresa. Even if it's you being the quiet soul I made you to be. Remember that I made you! You don't have to do anything special or be anyone different. Haven't I shown you how loved you are? Look at all the wonderful people in your life pulling for you, praying with you, loving you, encouraging you....what more do you want? Just give me an ounce of trust and a little time and you will see how it will play out....and please....stay out of MY way. I love you, but I can only go to Plan B, Plan C, Plan Z so many times before I really can't do anything for you.'
There isn't a word to describe God's forgiveness and love. It just is. And it's just glorious. It's ok if you have thrown a hissy fit, got yourself into trouble, made a fool out of yourself, tried to make things happen and messed them up, etc. etc. etc. Sin can go on forever but it doesn't have to. Which brings me to the second verse that stood out.
"Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that He may send Jesus Christ, who was preached to you before...." Acts 3:19-20
God not only forgives, but He will renew us. Helps us up, brushes us off, and away we keep going. But take His counsel. Learn from your lesson so that you may not fall in the same hole again.
It started last night when I went to do Underground Ministry with a few friends. Wow! What a night! And how quickly you forget what's wrong in your life when you are listening to these beautiful ladies talk about all the turmoil they are going through. I went home feeling a change come about my attitude.
After last night, God went in "for the kill." Today's sermon. It was about forgiveness and He made sure I paid full attention. Our Pastor Randy talked about how we make one of the following choices. We either fight back or we take a flight reaction. That was me. Option two. It was always so easy for me to say, "Ah just forget them. Forget it all!" And I was pretty much there by the end of this semi- silent little hissy fit I was throwing yet I was determined to work through it. So the sermon went on and two verses caught my attention. The first one:
"......looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;" Hebrews 12:15
Fortunately it was more like bitter weeds that were popping up and they haven't take root. Then I was reading the verse before it as I was writing this.
"Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord:" Hebrews 12:14
So God and I took out the bottle of RoundUp (a very big bottle) and sprayed those bitter weeds. It takes a little time for them to die, but once they do, God will be plucking them right out and in the garbage they go.
God is amazing in His love. He has been by my side. Talking, comforting, teaching, and loving me. He hasn't let go of my hand yet. Some questions popped up that God felt I needed to ponder on.
1. What kind of person do you want to be?
2. Why do you feel the need to have constant affirmation?
3. Isn't MY love enough for you?
4. What are you going to stand up for?
5. Are you willing to stand alone at times?
6. How willing are you to stay quiet until I tell you to speak?
7. Why do you feel you have to have other's attention at all times?
8. Do you not trust me to provide you with purpose and happiness all at the same time?
9. Do you not trust me to provide you with a husband of worth?
10. Do you even trust me at all?
'Be yourself Theresa. Even if it's you being the quiet soul I made you to be. Remember that I made you! You don't have to do anything special or be anyone different. Haven't I shown you how loved you are? Look at all the wonderful people in your life pulling for you, praying with you, loving you, encouraging you....what more do you want? Just give me an ounce of trust and a little time and you will see how it will play out....and please....stay out of MY way. I love you, but I can only go to Plan B, Plan C, Plan Z so many times before I really can't do anything for you.'
There isn't a word to describe God's forgiveness and love. It just is. And it's just glorious. It's ok if you have thrown a hissy fit, got yourself into trouble, made a fool out of yourself, tried to make things happen and messed them up, etc. etc. etc. Sin can go on forever but it doesn't have to. Which brings me to the second verse that stood out.
"Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that He may send Jesus Christ, who was preached to you before...." Acts 3:19-20
God not only forgives, but He will renew us. Helps us up, brushes us off, and away we keep going. But take His counsel. Learn from your lesson so that you may not fall in the same hole again.
Friday, March 2, 2012
To My Children
Dear Vivian and Vincent:
I know you are both sleeping in Jesus.
Please don't wake up.
I wanted to write to you
because I felt the need to.
This past week hasn't been so great for me.
Mommy has been angry, jealous, and just a
not so good mommy.
I'm so sorry for what I have done and I miss you both
so much.
It's war down here and even if it was possible that you both
were watching from Heaven,
you would be ashamed by my behavior.
I can't have that.
And don't worry,
God is helping mommy get through this.
He wants nothing more than to have the three of us together again.
Mommy will fight.
Nothing will keep me from you both.
Mama will fight.
The devil....the very THING that tricked me into seperating you both from the world....
well he's working overtime.
Mommy will fight.
God will fight.
So that on that day when God's people are brought to Heaven,
God will say, "'Well done, my good and faithful servant."
before joining us together.
Until then,
sleep in Jesus.
It's not time for you both to wake up.
I love you.
I know you are both sleeping in Jesus.
Please don't wake up.
I wanted to write to you
because I felt the need to.
This past week hasn't been so great for me.
Mommy has been angry, jealous, and just a
not so good mommy.
I'm so sorry for what I have done and I miss you both
so much.
It's war down here and even if it was possible that you both
were watching from Heaven,
you would be ashamed by my behavior.
I can't have that.
And don't worry,
God is helping mommy get through this.
He wants nothing more than to have the three of us together again.
Mommy will fight.
Nothing will keep me from you both.
Mama will fight.
The devil....the very THING that tricked me into seperating you both from the world....
well he's working overtime.
Mommy will fight.
God will fight.
So that on that day when God's people are brought to Heaven,
God will say, "'Well done, my good and faithful servant."
before joining us together.
Until then,
sleep in Jesus.
It's not time for you both to wake up.
I love you.
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