Ah love. We all want it and yet it seems like something that is difficult to attain. After following a few posts on Facebook and talking with a couple of friends, I finally started pondering a little harder about the subject of love, dating, and even the extra curricular activities that go along with it.
Since 14, I have been involved in one relationship after another. Some long term...many short lived. And if I wasn't in a relationship, I was spending my time in bed with too many too count....to be blunt and honest. Love for me has only existed in fairy tales. At times I thought I felt it, but it was nothing more than a cruel illusion made up by the devil himself. I've wanted it so bad for so long and it seems the harder I look for it, the easier it has become to miss. Many of my friends keep telling me to stop looking and they will come. My first thought was, "Well of course....you already have someone." But then I started to really pay attention to what they were saying and they all had something in common. They were trying to get away from their future significant others and yet they ended up with them.
Yes...that's right. They were all runners and I can understand that completely. Since I have been on this new journey of new life with God, my outlook on pretty much everything has changed. Dating and sex especially. It's been 1 1/2 years since I broke up with my last boyfriend and I went from being sexually active frequently to having sex twice in the past ten months. Although, I made a decision to refrain from sex, I am not beating myself up too bad for that. I mean frequently to twice in ten months?! Come on! Even I am proud of that! (I apologize for being so blunt and I am grateful to God for delivering me from such immorality even though, yes, I fell a couple of times). Anyways, I am looking for Mr. Right just like everyone else (well the boys are looking for Ms. Right), but I am also not going to settle.
I have become very aware of my patterns in looking for Mr. Right. When I first started going to church, I was the scoper. Oh yeah. I checked them all out thinking him and him and him and wait....they are all married or taken. Very humiliating flirting with someone you find out to be married later on. So I stopped that game and went to just scoping, no flirting. Best to be safe and not embarrass ourselves further. After awhile, as I was getting more comfortable at church and getting to know people, I went into the second phase of "I like you, but I won't tell you that I like you." Good thing too because pretty much all the guys I was showing interest in either didn't feel the same way (and you can always tell) or would ask for advice about other girls and there goes the heart sinking down to the gut. And then there are those that are interested in you but you don't seem to be interested in them. It all seems like one big cruel love triangle and no one comes out unscathed. So becoming a runner against love....absolutely do I understand it.
I finally got to the point where I threw my hands in the air and I kid you not, yelled out in my apartment, "I give up! Boys are weird!" I was ranting and raving to God telling Him I was done looking and I was done trying to get closer to someone I thought would be nice to go out with and I was just plain done. I have finally became content with being single and was going to enjoy it. I had told a couple of friends that I was giving up and they mentioned they did the same thing right before meeting their special someone. The first thing out of my mouth was,"That better not happen! I am going to be so mad if God brings me someone after I have finally embraced the single life."
Scoping? Sounds innocent but it really is a waste of your mental capabilities. If it doesn't seem to go beyond, "Hey, he's (she's) cute." then your focus was already too much off of God.
Dating? I don't think so. Let's go out on a few dates so that if it doesn't seem to work out there will be those awkward moments at church when you pass by eachother and know that whatever friendship you had has been compromised by....dating.
So basically it's left to one option. God will have to gift wrap him in a bright big red bow and plop him down on my doorstep with a card reading, "Dear Theresa, here he is. I grew him just for you. Love God."
My desire is to marry again, obviously, but as I mentioned before, I do not want to settle. I have come to terms with my single life so that I may enjoy my time in growing with God and becoming the person that He intended me to be. It's lonely at times and I miss the companionship but I also know I am not ready for a relationship just yet. Since beginning my adventure, I wanted nothing but God's best in my life. Why would a spouse be any different? And also, why wouldn't that person deserve the best in return? It's trust and faith in God that He will provide us with the best in everything in His timing.
"I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases." Songs of Solomon 2:7 (And this verse applies to the fellas too).
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Untitled
I'm wondering and waiting.
What it is that is in store for me.
Sometimes I think the answers are so clear
when really it just leads me down another rabbit hole.
How is it that this is happening?
You made a promise.
Do you intend to keep it?
Or are You just watching me make a fool of myself?
Yes, I do dare question this life You made for me.
I tried to be everything I thought You wanted me to be
and all I found was loneliness, frustration, and confusion.
And what about them?
They came and they went.
Just like the wind.
Like snow falling into fire.
Why are You making me go through this?
Sometimes I don't want to have any part of this
and sometimes I regret calling Your name.
Other times I am grateful.
A sinner still but sinning less.
You know what I do.
You are the only one that I can not hide from.
It should be enough
to not do such things
but when you have to live in this three-ring circus...
sometimes a person is driven to
wanting to forget that they have to be here in the first place.
What is it exactly that I am working towards?
Why do I have to keep asking the same questions
over and over and over once more?
The pieces do not fit.
I have tried forcing them,
studying them,
and placing them
where I think they belong.
But the picture remains unclear
and incorrect.
Yes....yes.....I understood when I started
that the journey was to be difficult
but I am tired right now.
I just need to sleep.
A little rest.
Let me rest in You.
Can I just sleep in Your arms?
Please just whisper in my ear
all the good things You promised.
Whisper it as I lay in Your arms.
I'm sorry for being angry with You so often,
but You have to understand...
I am scared.
You are so far away and
I am running
chasing after a star that is incapable of being caught.
Isn't it?
You are so right.
I can't do this alone.
How come it seems like I am?
Look at me.
Look at everything I just said.
None of it makes sense.
Please....please.....
tell me I am not becoming like him.
No...that definetly can't happen
and You need to make it stop.
So is that You wanted?
There is nothing more to say.
Except...You won.
But You can't leave me like this.
Make it make sense....
this thing known as my life.
I'm done with regrets
and I am done with trying to find my own way
and I am done thinking that....
I can't even say it but You know.
You will be the only one to know that secret.
Here I am....
continue on with what You were doing.
What it is that is in store for me.
Sometimes I think the answers are so clear
when really it just leads me down another rabbit hole.
How is it that this is happening?
You made a promise.
Do you intend to keep it?
Or are You just watching me make a fool of myself?
Yes, I do dare question this life You made for me.
I tried to be everything I thought You wanted me to be
and all I found was loneliness, frustration, and confusion.
And what about them?
They came and they went.
Just like the wind.
Like snow falling into fire.
Why are You making me go through this?
Sometimes I don't want to have any part of this
and sometimes I regret calling Your name.
Other times I am grateful.
A sinner still but sinning less.
You know what I do.
You are the only one that I can not hide from.
It should be enough
to not do such things
but when you have to live in this three-ring circus...
sometimes a person is driven to
wanting to forget that they have to be here in the first place.
What is it exactly that I am working towards?
Why do I have to keep asking the same questions
over and over and over once more?
The pieces do not fit.
I have tried forcing them,
studying them,
and placing them
where I think they belong.
But the picture remains unclear
and incorrect.
Yes....yes.....I understood when I started
that the journey was to be difficult
but I am tired right now.
I just need to sleep.
A little rest.
Let me rest in You.
Can I just sleep in Your arms?
Please just whisper in my ear
all the good things You promised.
Whisper it as I lay in Your arms.
I'm sorry for being angry with You so often,
but You have to understand...
I am scared.
You are so far away and
I am running
chasing after a star that is incapable of being caught.
Isn't it?
You are so right.
I can't do this alone.
How come it seems like I am?
Look at me.
Look at everything I just said.
None of it makes sense.
Please....please.....
tell me I am not becoming like him.
No...that definetly can't happen
and You need to make it stop.
So is that You wanted?
There is nothing more to say.
Except...You won.
But You can't leave me like this.
Make it make sense....
this thing known as my life.
I'm done with regrets
and I am done with trying to find my own way
and I am done thinking that....
I can't even say it but You know.
You will be the only one to know that secret.
Here I am....
continue on with what You were doing.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Yes...I Am A Jesus Freak. Thank You For Noticing
I was chit chatting with a friend last night and payed them a compliment about what a hard worker they are and how they are such an inspiration. I can honestly say I was taken a little aback when they replied with a question if I was joking with them. They went on to explain how they have a fews friends that give them a little bit of a hard time for doing what they do. I sat there wondering, how many people are giving them a hard time that they now question a compliment? At the same time, I sympathized with them. My ex-husband would often say to me that people were only nice to me because they felt sorry for me that I was retarded. Yep....he said that....word for word. Obviously it left a lasting impression because I heard that over and over and over again for many years so it comes to no surprise that when someone pays me a compliment, I get highly suspicious of their intentions even when there are none except for the mere fact they do actually mean what they say. At first, my reaction was similar to my friend, "Are you kidding me? I am not pretty. I am not smart. I am not capable. You're crazy!" Yes...I have actually said to people they were crazy for saying what they were saying. But after a while I started to figure out that people weren't just trying to be nice to me. They meant what they said and I began to learn to say the words, "Thank you. That is a nice compliment." Now I don't think my friend underwent the kind of verbal abuse that my ex-husband afforded to me, but as I said before, they heard it enough times to question the genuinity of a compliment and my heart went out to them. This subject matter got me...you guessed it....thinking.
There comes a point in some of our lives where what we are doing is just not working anymore. We make a decision to turn our lives over to God generally knowing that our lives are going to become a little more difficult before it gets better. We face a lot of opposition, question our fate, question the next step, and are often discouraged and left feeling hopeless wondering if we made the right decision. But we press on regardless because we know God's way is still better than the life we lived before. It just takes time and we are just patient enough to wait the transition out. All of a sudden we are put under a microscope; torn apart if we step out of place. Our beliefs and faith become questioned, we are called snobs, holyrollers, and Jesus Freaks, and we are pushed around, sometimes by those closest to us because we decided to take that second chance that God offered. The same one that is offered them. The same exact second chance, but they were too chicken to take it and we weren't. So they make fun, make us doubt and break our hearts.
When we say we are Christian, most people think we think of ourselves as better than or perfect. If they only knew. Generally the first three years of a marriage can be tough. You are getting to know one another's dislikes, likes, habits and routines. Becoming a Christian is no different. It takes time for us to figure out our new lives. What will work for us, what won't, where our ministry is at, and...sad to say...what we need to let go of so that we may not fall. Perfect? No. We struggle on a daily basis to do the right thing, sometimes live in fear of failing, and fighting often to find where we fit in all the while we are being persecuted for our new found beliefs, made to trip from time to time, and attacked by evil forces that do not want to see us succeed. Holyrollers? You got it. Jesus Freaks? Thank you for noticing. A snob? That we are not because although we are given a hard time...we will still love and pray for they know not what they do.
None of us should have to question the pureness of someone's kindness and yet we live in a world that is going to try and chew us up and spit us out. Often we will be made to believe that we should just give up, that we are not good enough, and that we are just chasing a dream. Well to those people who desire to see us fail, this is what I have to say:
"Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the Lord." Romans 12:19
I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound good for those who mess with us...but hey good luck with that!
And to those of you who took the second chance:
"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galatians 6:9
Never lose heart. God is on your side.
There comes a point in some of our lives where what we are doing is just not working anymore. We make a decision to turn our lives over to God generally knowing that our lives are going to become a little more difficult before it gets better. We face a lot of opposition, question our fate, question the next step, and are often discouraged and left feeling hopeless wondering if we made the right decision. But we press on regardless because we know God's way is still better than the life we lived before. It just takes time and we are just patient enough to wait the transition out. All of a sudden we are put under a microscope; torn apart if we step out of place. Our beliefs and faith become questioned, we are called snobs, holyrollers, and Jesus Freaks, and we are pushed around, sometimes by those closest to us because we decided to take that second chance that God offered. The same one that is offered them. The same exact second chance, but they were too chicken to take it and we weren't. So they make fun, make us doubt and break our hearts.
When we say we are Christian, most people think we think of ourselves as better than or perfect. If they only knew. Generally the first three years of a marriage can be tough. You are getting to know one another's dislikes, likes, habits and routines. Becoming a Christian is no different. It takes time for us to figure out our new lives. What will work for us, what won't, where our ministry is at, and...sad to say...what we need to let go of so that we may not fall. Perfect? No. We struggle on a daily basis to do the right thing, sometimes live in fear of failing, and fighting often to find where we fit in all the while we are being persecuted for our new found beliefs, made to trip from time to time, and attacked by evil forces that do not want to see us succeed. Holyrollers? You got it. Jesus Freaks? Thank you for noticing. A snob? That we are not because although we are given a hard time...we will still love and pray for they know not what they do.
None of us should have to question the pureness of someone's kindness and yet we live in a world that is going to try and chew us up and spit us out. Often we will be made to believe that we should just give up, that we are not good enough, and that we are just chasing a dream. Well to those people who desire to see us fail, this is what I have to say:
"Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the Lord." Romans 12:19
I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound good for those who mess with us...but hey good luck with that!
And to those of you who took the second chance:
"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galatians 6:9
Never lose heart. God is on your side.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
A Daily Decision
Today I made a decision.
A very important decision.
The kind of decision that I have to make
every morning when I wake up.
I made a decision to be happy.
Every single day.
If I ever feel discouraged, lonely, hopeless, unfit,
unloved, or any of the variety of feelings
a person can feel,
I promise to reach out for counsel.
I will give encouragement to those who need it
with the belief that I will receive the same in return.
I will be and do the best I can in everything I do
and if I feel that my best can not be given,
then I will ask God to place me where I can
give my best.
I will not be an underachiever anymore.
Nor will I be an overachiever.
I will just achieve the plan that God has laid out for me.
I will make time for myself to make sure my mind, body, and soul
are healthy.
Popularity is not important.
It's the quality of the friendship.
Those who take the time to really get to know me,
will always be cherished
and have my undivided attention.
Those who don't want my friendship,
will get polite hellos.
The only one that is allowed to change me is God.
It's no one else's responsibility to do so.
When I think I'm not as good as some people,
I will always remember God made me.
And because of that is why I made my decision.
To be happy every single day.
A very important decision.
The kind of decision that I have to make
every morning when I wake up.
I made a decision to be happy.
Every single day.
If I ever feel discouraged, lonely, hopeless, unfit,
unloved, or any of the variety of feelings
a person can feel,
I promise to reach out for counsel.
I will give encouragement to those who need it
with the belief that I will receive the same in return.
I will be and do the best I can in everything I do
and if I feel that my best can not be given,
then I will ask God to place me where I can
give my best.
I will not be an underachiever anymore.
Nor will I be an overachiever.
I will just achieve the plan that God has laid out for me.
I will make time for myself to make sure my mind, body, and soul
are healthy.
Popularity is not important.
It's the quality of the friendship.
Those who take the time to really get to know me,
will always be cherished
and have my undivided attention.
Those who don't want my friendship,
will get polite hellos.
The only one that is allowed to change me is God.
It's no one else's responsibility to do so.
When I think I'm not as good as some people,
I will always remember God made me.
And because of that is why I made my decision.
To be happy every single day.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Just One Request
Tell me the big secret God.
Tell me.
I want to know where I fit in
in all this.
Did You save me
just so I could be a spectator?
Why did You do it?
Why did You save me?
Please don't say it's because You love me.
The answer can't be that simple.
There is something not right here.
All I want is to understand.
I have lived too much of my life in a blur.
And now You want me to live by faith?
You have to know that at times that is impossible.
Live by faith?
I am not sure I can anymore.
I want to give up.
It seemed so much easier to be a blur.
My eyes are open and what I see....
There are no words for it.
You say that You love me.
I am the apple of your eye.
The lost sheep you were looking for.
Why? I don't fit in with the others.
I don't belong there
and yet You keep insisting on saving me.
For what?
If I am no use to others,
what good am I to You?
What have You done to me?
Why? Why didn't You just ignore my plea?
You could've just left me there.
I wish You did sometimes.
Are You trying to make a point?
Am I to be used as an example of who not to be?
Oh yes God.
I am very serious in my thought.
And I hold no apologies.
Come as I am right?
Isn't that what You said?
Well here I am.
What more do You want?
Because I can't figure You out.
I can't understand
because I did everything You wanted.
And I am
lonelier,
pissed off,
and more uncertain than before.
How is that right?
Are You saying it's my fault?
Well we agree there.
I never should've cried out that night.
I made a mistake.
I am sorry.
And the truth is....
I won't take it back.
Because before, I was a flight risk.
And now I am a fighter.
Yes...I am very mad right now.
I am very angry.
This world...
it's the world.
And I am not sure I want to be a part of it anymore.
It has nothing I want and to be truthful...
I don't think I am what they want either.
Keep going with me God.
If that's what You must do.
But I do have just one request.....
Tell me.
I want to know where I fit in
in all this.
Did You save me
just so I could be a spectator?
Why did You do it?
Why did You save me?
Please don't say it's because You love me.
The answer can't be that simple.
There is something not right here.
All I want is to understand.
I have lived too much of my life in a blur.
And now You want me to live by faith?
You have to know that at times that is impossible.
Live by faith?
I am not sure I can anymore.
I want to give up.
It seemed so much easier to be a blur.
My eyes are open and what I see....
There are no words for it.
You say that You love me.
I am the apple of your eye.
The lost sheep you were looking for.
Why? I don't fit in with the others.
I don't belong there
and yet You keep insisting on saving me.
For what?
If I am no use to others,
what good am I to You?
What have You done to me?
Why? Why didn't You just ignore my plea?
You could've just left me there.
I wish You did sometimes.
Are You trying to make a point?
Am I to be used as an example of who not to be?
Oh yes God.
I am very serious in my thought.
And I hold no apologies.
Come as I am right?
Isn't that what You said?
Well here I am.
What more do You want?
Because I can't figure You out.
I can't understand
because I did everything You wanted.
And I am
lonelier,
pissed off,
and more uncertain than before.
How is that right?
Are You saying it's my fault?
Well we agree there.
I never should've cried out that night.
I made a mistake.
I am sorry.
And the truth is....
I won't take it back.
Because before, I was a flight risk.
And now I am a fighter.
Yes...I am very mad right now.
I am very angry.
This world...
it's the world.
And I am not sure I want to be a part of it anymore.
It has nothing I want and to be truthful...
I don't think I am what they want either.
Keep going with me God.
If that's what You must do.
But I do have just one request.....
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Life Lessons Only A Duck Can Give
So I was suppose to meet my lovely friend at church today. It was her first time at the West campus but I woke up a little late and texted her a little frantically asking if it would be ok to go to the 11:15 service. She said that was no problem at all. Ok...good...no biggie....we just go to the later service, right? Well it wasn't that easy. For whatever reason I was feeling guilty and thinking things like:
"What if she had something to do after and now she's waiting on you."
"It's her first time on this side of town and you go and wake up late."
"If you just went to bed at an earlier time, you wouldn't of woken up late in the first place."
I mean the guilt kept coming and coming and there really was no reason for it. So I go to take the dogs out for their morning walk and all of a sudden God starts speaking to me and says:
"Theresa. When you make a mistake or you are going through something rough, how do your friends treat you?"
I responded:
"Well God...they are loving and comforting and they help me to work things out."
"So if I made you in my image, what makes you think I am any less than those characteristics?"
I tell you...I stopped in my tracks and literally let out a "D'OH!" I got it. All this time I thought I understood God's love and forgiveness but I really didn't. I always knew He was forgiving and that He forgot our sins once we asked for forgiveness but in the back of my head, I would always think,"Well, now I won't be blessed with that." or "I deserve to have that go wrong because I was an idiot about this other thing." That's not how God works and He took this one little thing to show me that is not how He is. If my friends who are human and make mistakes themselves sit and listen with me and talk things out with me so that I can move on and even hug me when I done something stupid (whether it be on a big or small scale), then what makes me think God who is all perfect, all mighty, the creator of all, treat me in a different manner.
"Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the prescence of the Lord." Acts 3:19
But the lesson didn't stop there.
I go on with walking the dogs and I see the mama duck with her ducklings (who are more teenage ducks now). There they were, just chilling out on the grass. Enjoying the warm sun. The mama duck was keeping an eye on us though making sure her babies weren't going to be harmed. The dogs did make a movement that gave her some concern because she jumped in the water and her babies followed right after. I watched as they swam by. She was leading her little pack and then all of a sudden she pulls back and allows her ducklings to swim a little bit ahead with her watching them. At that moment I saw God's lesson.
There we are, having a little fun in the sun. Enjoying what God has made but safe under his watch. If something seems threatening, He is quick to move us to a safer spot and we follow Him, trusting He knows best. Then as soon as He thinks we are in a good place, He backs off a little so that we can continue to enjoy His creation but still having His eye on us. Even if we stray off and get a little roughed up, He brings us back to the pack for His safekeeping.
"I WILL lift up my eyes to the hills-
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber of sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The Lord shall preserve your going out and
your coming in
From this time forth, and even forever more."
Psalm 121:1-8
"What if she had something to do after and now she's waiting on you."
"It's her first time on this side of town and you go and wake up late."
"If you just went to bed at an earlier time, you wouldn't of woken up late in the first place."
I mean the guilt kept coming and coming and there really was no reason for it. So I go to take the dogs out for their morning walk and all of a sudden God starts speaking to me and says:
"Theresa. When you make a mistake or you are going through something rough, how do your friends treat you?"
I responded:
"Well God...they are loving and comforting and they help me to work things out."
"So if I made you in my image, what makes you think I am any less than those characteristics?"
I tell you...I stopped in my tracks and literally let out a "D'OH!" I got it. All this time I thought I understood God's love and forgiveness but I really didn't. I always knew He was forgiving and that He forgot our sins once we asked for forgiveness but in the back of my head, I would always think,"Well, now I won't be blessed with that." or "I deserve to have that go wrong because I was an idiot about this other thing." That's not how God works and He took this one little thing to show me that is not how He is. If my friends who are human and make mistakes themselves sit and listen with me and talk things out with me so that I can move on and even hug me when I done something stupid (whether it be on a big or small scale), then what makes me think God who is all perfect, all mighty, the creator of all, treat me in a different manner.
"Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the prescence of the Lord." Acts 3:19
But the lesson didn't stop there.
I go on with walking the dogs and I see the mama duck with her ducklings (who are more teenage ducks now). There they were, just chilling out on the grass. Enjoying the warm sun. The mama duck was keeping an eye on us though making sure her babies weren't going to be harmed. The dogs did make a movement that gave her some concern because she jumped in the water and her babies followed right after. I watched as they swam by. She was leading her little pack and then all of a sudden she pulls back and allows her ducklings to swim a little bit ahead with her watching them. At that moment I saw God's lesson.
There we are, having a little fun in the sun. Enjoying what God has made but safe under his watch. If something seems threatening, He is quick to move us to a safer spot and we follow Him, trusting He knows best. Then as soon as He thinks we are in a good place, He backs off a little so that we can continue to enjoy His creation but still having His eye on us. Even if we stray off and get a little roughed up, He brings us back to the pack for His safekeeping.
"I WILL lift up my eyes to the hills-
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber of sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The Lord shall preserve your going out and
your coming in
From this time forth, and even forever more."
Psalm 121:1-8
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Dying Love
It's time for you to give my heart back. You have had it long enough
and it now needs to go to the person
that God has appointed it to.
You have misused it;
even when we haven't been speaking.
What right did you have to do so?
The memory of you needs to fade
into the background now.
I loved you at one time
and I thought I would love you forever.
I thought you loved me too
but I wasn't enough for you.
We could've been so good together.
But you were afraid.
I was too.
If only we kept the gift from God...
Would it have been different?
Or were we doomed regardless.
Do I miss you?
Sometimes.
But missing you doesn't
make you good for me.
I have allowed you to have
my heart long enough.
You don't deserve it.
You never did.
And yet you had been on my mind often.
Even though we were together a short time,
I now need to let you go for good.
I don't care how many times you thought
you made a mistake going.
And I don't care how many times you desire to
see or talk to me.
The last time was it.
I meant what I said
and I won't change my mind.
If you only knew how you crushed me.
If you only knew how hard hearted you made me.
Did you ever think once what you were doing to me?
Is your conscience bothering you?
But it was because of you
that I can now forgive.
And if it wasn't for you,
my life would've withered away.
You started this adventure for the both of us
but you refused to continue the journey.
And I was forced to go it alone.
Why couldn't you have been strong enough?
Why couldn't you be my side?
I just wasn't enough for you.
You were afraid.
And I was too.
But not anymore.
I thought you were the one.
I was wrong.
You were a divine intervention
and for that I will be grateful to you.
Something that once could've been
but never will or can be.
I will always wish you the best.
And will pray you get back on the journey.
Other than that...
you are just a mere memory.
You had your chance but you couldn't
care for my heart.
Not the way a man should care for it.
I'm taking it back.
My heart belongs to me.
Not you.
I'm giving it to God.
And I'm letting Him keep it
until He finds the one worthy
enough to have it.
One who respects it.
One who will care for it as if it was his own.
and it now needs to go to the person
that God has appointed it to.
You have misused it;
even when we haven't been speaking.
What right did you have to do so?
The memory of you needs to fade
into the background now.
I loved you at one time
and I thought I would love you forever.
I thought you loved me too
but I wasn't enough for you.
We could've been so good together.
But you were afraid.
I was too.
If only we kept the gift from God...
Would it have been different?
Or were we doomed regardless.
Do I miss you?
Sometimes.
But missing you doesn't
make you good for me.
I have allowed you to have
my heart long enough.
You don't deserve it.
You never did.
And yet you had been on my mind often.
Even though we were together a short time,
I now need to let you go for good.
I don't care how many times you thought
you made a mistake going.
And I don't care how many times you desire to
see or talk to me.
The last time was it.
I meant what I said
and I won't change my mind.
If you only knew how you crushed me.
If you only knew how hard hearted you made me.
Did you ever think once what you were doing to me?
Is your conscience bothering you?
But it was because of you
that I can now forgive.
And if it wasn't for you,
my life would've withered away.
You started this adventure for the both of us
but you refused to continue the journey.
And I was forced to go it alone.
Why couldn't you have been strong enough?
Why couldn't you be my side?
I just wasn't enough for you.
You were afraid.
And I was too.
But not anymore.
I thought you were the one.
I was wrong.
You were a divine intervention
and for that I will be grateful to you.
Something that once could've been
but never will or can be.
I will always wish you the best.
And will pray you get back on the journey.
Other than that...
you are just a mere memory.
You had your chance but you couldn't
care for my heart.
Not the way a man should care for it.
I'm taking it back.
My heart belongs to me.
Not you.
I'm giving it to God.
And I'm letting Him keep it
until He finds the one worthy
enough to have it.
One who respects it.
One who will care for it as if it was his own.
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