I've limited my Facebook time tremendously because, and I am going to be blunt and honest, I was tired of logging on and going through a jealous bitter fit of rage over those who seem to be moving forward in their walk with God. It appeared all they had to do was wake up and bountiful blessings were poured upon them all the while I spend day in and day out doing the same...dam...thing. Not moving forward in anything but moving back.
Let me just lay it out for you:
1. I was told by my bosses last week that basically my sales techniques suck and I make the least amount of money for the company.
2. I have two...count them two...followers for my blog.
3. I get hopeful and excited about ministries that lead to dead ends.
4. With all due respect....I get tired of people saying what a great writer I am and how I will be successful when in reality...I am overlooked and the prospects aren't biting.
5. I am under the impression that there are certain people that take a look at me and think I have nothing to offer. Yes...I really do believe that sometimes.
Talk about feeling discouraged and hopless. I walked into church and recovery over a year ago believing I was an absolute zero who should've felt lucky to even be allowed to breathe. I haven't fully overcome some of these feelings, but I have come a long way and I am now moving into the next stage where I am just tryng to figure out where I fit into everything and anything in this life.
Finally it hit me. A reminder of how I started this journey kept popping up in my head. There I was in January of 2011, at my wits end and I just cried out to God. God got an ulitmatum that He either fixes it or leaves me alone. I had very few friends, most were far away, my family was far away, had no one to turn to, I was broke, alone, and scared. So night after night, it was me, my two dogs and a Bible Study workbook I found on the bookshelf, cuddled on the couch and spending at minimum an hour reading, studying, and praying. I desired to be SOOO close to God because my trust in mankind came to an end. For the first time in my life, I actually understood the words that lived in the Bible and I was overjoyed. How could the doors not be opened to that kind of devotion?
But somewhere along the way as I started to become involved in various activities and/or groups that kind of devotion slipped away and the doors began to shut. All the fears, anxieties, confusion, anger, bitterness, jealousy....all those things that had kept me from living before...started creeping back into my life and is slowly keeping me from living now.
Sometimes, doing the right thing can leave you a little sad because usually it's something you have to sacrifice in order to do right by God. I miss my family and as much as I plotted and planned like crazy to move closer to them; in my heart I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I have to stay here and it makes me sad not to be near them but it's what I need to do. Now I came to another sad sacrifice...holding back on writing. God has been calling me to come back and spend that time together like we once had. To Him that is more important than trying to figure out my writing career or even leadership at church. All that will be taken care of, but He needs my full and undivided attention at the moment. He wants me to understand something about myself and about Him so that I can be more effective in ministry later on. But right now....honestly....I can't give what I don't understand or have myself. He's not telling me to not have big dreams still. He just wants me to put them on hold.
Ministry has been simplified. I kept thinking I had to do everything on a large scale, but God has been telling me no. It's one person at a time. That's it. Working in retail, the majority of people I deal with are snarling, unsatisfied complainers so how hard would it be for me to give a pleasant smile to the cashier at Walmart who may be feeling defeated after having a hundred people just walk through her line giving her attitude, complaining about how they had to wait ten minutes, or griping about how high the prices are. One more dissatisfied customer could've thrown her over the edge but instead a smile saved her day, possibly giving her hope that not everyone out there is mean. Or how about sending a card to a friend who is blue? It's all simple. One at a time. That's what He wants me to do.
“Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you.” Mother Teresa
All those discouraged feelings I mentioned earlier....they are wrong. I am not inadequate. It doesn't matter if I am the most popular. My job doesn't define me as a person, it was my cue that I need to get out of sales. Two followers for my blog are two people that I hope are telling their friends about my work. A dead end for a writing career. More like on a coffee break so that I can get my relationship with God right again. Instead of being bewildered as to why people believe in me, continue to be grateful to those who do believe I can be successful and also believe the right people will come along to help my career begin. And for those I sense look at me and don't see a world changer....well, I was never made to impress them anyways. Besides, it's not about the masses. It's about the ONE.
Discouragement, fear, anxiety...any negative feeling is personalized by the devil himself. He knows what buttons to push. Whenever you get those feelings remember that God doesn't talk to you in such a way. Only satan does. Take a step back, reevaluate everything and ask God to help you sort through these feelings and to tell you the truth.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
A Perfect Fit
What a hot day so far and I spent the morning greeting people in and saying goodbye on the way out, so it was understandable if I needed to cool down in the comforts of my apartment afterwards and flip on the TV. I have been getting free HBO and just my luck, the movie Dolphin Tale was on. I have never seen it before and caught the last hour of it, and from what I saw....I was inspired. I went on the website seewinter.com and learned a little bit about this amazing dolphin named Winter.
She was found caught in a crab trap. Due to the entanglement, the blood supply to her tail was cut off which eventually led to the loss of her tail. A prosthetic tail was made for her and she was able to go on and live life as normally as a dolphin possibly could. But what really caught my attention in her story was that Winter had learned to swim with a side to side motion instead of an up and down motion. Vets became worried because they felt this could damage her spine and paralysis seem enevitable if nothing was done to help her.
Why did that tidbit fascinate me? It got me thinking about how we get caught in traps (sin) and then we are saved (by God) but sometimes our blood supply gets cut off and we lose a part of ourselves. We cope by learning to manage with whatever methods we can find. A part of our personality or character becomes flawed, generally understood at first but in the long run it can cause permanent damage and we are unable to enjoy the God-filled life we are intended to have. For example, a heart broken one too many times leads us to be cautious about relationships with the opposite sex which leads to overexamining them which leads us to pushing anyone and everyone away because we are afraid of getting hurt. We cope by building a wall that eventually is too high and we may never enjoy the happiness of a spouse that God desired for us. But there is good news!
In the story, there were many prosthetics developed for Winter until finally they came up with a perfect fit for her. She rejected them at first until a comfortable gel-like substance that fit with ease over her stump and give her the mobility needed to be a normal dolphin. After much practice, Winter was able to go back to the up and down motions saving herself from any future complications with her spine.
Although a part of us may have become damaged in our sin, God will come in and replace what's missing with something that will help us to get back to a normal life as possible and become functional as if nothing bad had ever happened in the first place. In fact, He uses that damage to inspire others. To give them hope. To prove that life adapts and is capable of continuing on when we allow a solution to take place. We sometimes resist at first, but if we continue to allow God to keep working on us, we will eventually be able to find a perfect fit and live a good life.
Winter's tail will always be a stump. Our hurts, habits, and hang ups will always be a part of us. Winter now has a tool to help her swim properly regardless of her stump. We have a tool too to help us thrive regardless of our past.
"For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raieses the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9
She was found caught in a crab trap. Due to the entanglement, the blood supply to her tail was cut off which eventually led to the loss of her tail. A prosthetic tail was made for her and she was able to go on and live life as normally as a dolphin possibly could. But what really caught my attention in her story was that Winter had learned to swim with a side to side motion instead of an up and down motion. Vets became worried because they felt this could damage her spine and paralysis seem enevitable if nothing was done to help her.
Why did that tidbit fascinate me? It got me thinking about how we get caught in traps (sin) and then we are saved (by God) but sometimes our blood supply gets cut off and we lose a part of ourselves. We cope by learning to manage with whatever methods we can find. A part of our personality or character becomes flawed, generally understood at first but in the long run it can cause permanent damage and we are unable to enjoy the God-filled life we are intended to have. For example, a heart broken one too many times leads us to be cautious about relationships with the opposite sex which leads to overexamining them which leads us to pushing anyone and everyone away because we are afraid of getting hurt. We cope by building a wall that eventually is too high and we may never enjoy the happiness of a spouse that God desired for us. But there is good news!
In the story, there were many prosthetics developed for Winter until finally they came up with a perfect fit for her. She rejected them at first until a comfortable gel-like substance that fit with ease over her stump and give her the mobility needed to be a normal dolphin. After much practice, Winter was able to go back to the up and down motions saving herself from any future complications with her spine.
Although a part of us may have become damaged in our sin, God will come in and replace what's missing with something that will help us to get back to a normal life as possible and become functional as if nothing bad had ever happened in the first place. In fact, He uses that damage to inspire others. To give them hope. To prove that life adapts and is capable of continuing on when we allow a solution to take place. We sometimes resist at first, but if we continue to allow God to keep working on us, we will eventually be able to find a perfect fit and live a good life.
Winter's tail will always be a stump. Our hurts, habits, and hang ups will always be a part of us. Winter now has a tool to help her swim properly regardless of her stump. We have a tool too to help us thrive regardless of our past.
"For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raieses the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Against The Wind
In the midst of Tropical Storm Debby, there was not much to do except to sit inside and watch Mother Nature have a minor hissy fit. As I sat there observing, a little white bird caught my attention. The winds, at its' highest, were going 60 mph and there was the little white bird, fighting and pushing forward against the winds. Anytime he made a little headway, the wind would just shove him back further and throw him around like a raggedy old toy. You can see the little white bird getting tired but he was determined to get to where he needed to go. With more might and more determination, the little white bird wasn't going to allow the storm to bully him and eventually made his way to where he needed to go.
We often hear we have "storms" in our lives. Storms that seems to pour down on us and with the wind against us, we fight our way through. We get tired and often want to give up and we think it to be impossible to find our way to where we need to be. We are able to take a few steps forward but then something happens to push us back even further than where we started. How frustrating it is to get through a storm. We get drenched, thrown around, our stuff flies everywhere, our hair is a blown mess, and by the time we do make our final destination, we are in shambles and disheveled leaving the better part of the evening to work on getting ourselves back in order.
But then there are times we get through a storm smoothly. The rain is falling and at first we feel the effects of it but then a cab comes along to pick us up and we ride through that storm with ease getting to our destination barely ruffled.
It's as simple as that. The storm comes....get in God's cab and let Him take you through it with as little inconvience as possible.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2
We often hear we have "storms" in our lives. Storms that seems to pour down on us and with the wind against us, we fight our way through. We get tired and often want to give up and we think it to be impossible to find our way to where we need to be. We are able to take a few steps forward but then something happens to push us back even further than where we started. How frustrating it is to get through a storm. We get drenched, thrown around, our stuff flies everywhere, our hair is a blown mess, and by the time we do make our final destination, we are in shambles and disheveled leaving the better part of the evening to work on getting ourselves back in order.
But then there are times we get through a storm smoothly. The rain is falling and at first we feel the effects of it but then a cab comes along to pick us up and we ride through that storm with ease getting to our destination barely ruffled.
It's as simple as that. The storm comes....get in God's cab and let Him take you through it with as little inconvience as possible.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2
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