I've limited my Facebook time tremendously because, and I am going to be blunt and honest, I was tired of logging on and going through a jealous bitter fit of rage over those who seem to be moving forward in their walk with God. It appeared all they had to do was wake up and bountiful blessings were poured upon them all the while I spend day in and day out doing the same...dam...thing. Not moving forward in anything but moving back.
Let me just lay it out for you:
1. I was told by my bosses last week that basically my sales techniques suck and I make the least amount of money for the company.
2. I have two...count them two...followers for my blog.
3. I get hopeful and excited about ministries that lead to dead ends.
4. With all due respect....I get tired of people saying what a great writer I am and how I will be successful when in reality...I am overlooked and the prospects aren't biting.
5. I am under the impression that there are certain people that take a look at me and think I have nothing to offer. Yes...I really do believe that sometimes.
Talk about feeling discouraged and hopless. I walked into church and recovery over a year ago believing I was an absolute zero who should've felt lucky to even be allowed to breathe. I haven't fully overcome some of these feelings, but I have come a long way and I am now moving into the next stage where I am just tryng to figure out where I fit into everything and anything in this life.
Finally it hit me. A reminder of how I started this journey kept popping up in my head. There I was in January of 2011, at my wits end and I just cried out to God. God got an ulitmatum that He either fixes it or leaves me alone. I had very few friends, most were far away, my family was far away, had no one to turn to, I was broke, alone, and scared. So night after night, it was me, my two dogs and a Bible Study workbook I found on the bookshelf, cuddled on the couch and spending at minimum an hour reading, studying, and praying. I desired to be SOOO close to God because my trust in mankind came to an end. For the first time in my life, I actually understood the words that lived in the Bible and I was overjoyed. How could the doors not be opened to that kind of devotion?
But somewhere along the way as I started to become involved in various activities and/or groups that kind of devotion slipped away and the doors began to shut. All the fears, anxieties, confusion, anger, bitterness, jealousy....all those things that had kept me from living before...started creeping back into my life and is slowly keeping me from living now.
Sometimes, doing the right thing can leave you a little sad because usually it's something you have to sacrifice in order to do right by God. I miss my family and as much as I plotted and planned like crazy to move closer to them; in my heart I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I have to stay here and it makes me sad not to be near them but it's what I need to do. Now I came to another sad sacrifice...holding back on writing. God has been calling me to come back and spend that time together like we once had. To Him that is more important than trying to figure out my writing career or even leadership at church. All that will be taken care of, but He needs my full and undivided attention at the moment. He wants me to understand something about myself and about Him so that I can be more effective in ministry later on. But right now....honestly....I can't give what I don't understand or have myself. He's not telling me to not have big dreams still. He just wants me to put them on hold.
Ministry has been simplified. I kept thinking I had to do everything on a large scale, but God has been telling me no. It's one person at a time. That's it. Working in retail, the majority of people I deal with are snarling, unsatisfied complainers so how hard would it be for me to give a pleasant smile to the cashier at Walmart who may be feeling defeated after having a hundred people just walk through her line giving her attitude, complaining about how they had to wait ten minutes, or griping about how high the prices are. One more dissatisfied customer could've thrown her over the edge but instead a smile saved her day, possibly giving her hope that not everyone out there is mean. Or how about sending a card to a friend who is blue? It's all simple. One at a time. That's what He wants me to do.
“Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you.” Mother Teresa
All those discouraged feelings I mentioned earlier....they are wrong. I am not inadequate. It doesn't matter if I am the most popular. My job doesn't define me as a person, it was my cue that I need to get out of sales. Two followers for my blog are two people that I hope are telling their friends about my work. A dead end for a writing career. More like on a coffee break so that I can get my relationship with God right again. Instead of being bewildered as to why people believe in me, continue to be grateful to those who do believe I can be successful and also believe the right people will come along to help my career begin. And for those I sense look at me and don't see a world changer....well, I was never made to impress them anyways. Besides, it's not about the masses. It's about the ONE.
Discouragement, fear, anxiety...any negative feeling is personalized by the devil himself. He knows what buttons to push. Whenever you get those feelings remember that God doesn't talk to you in such a way. Only satan does. Take a step back, reevaluate everything and ask God to help you sort through these feelings and to tell you the truth.
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