A little over a month ago, I had shared a struggle with a group of people and someone responded in this way,"I am so glad to hear you are struggling. I had put you up on this pedastool thinking you had your whole life perfect and nothing was ever wrong, but there is. Thank you for that." I was quite befuddled by her response (and I think others were too) and to be frank, it made me a little angry. I mean who really has it all together?! But the truth is, I haven't quite been myself lately. Depression has been looming over me for months and it seems to be getting worst. My self-confidence and people approving addiction has heightened and after leaving a volunteer training meeting the other day, I cried while driving home thinking there is no way I am going to be able to be of good use. I actually sat in that meeting comparing myself to someone who seemingly was going to be much more successful than I ever will be or ever could. How screwed up is that?
I muttered to God, "Something is terribly wrong." Even I am fed up with my attitude. For the rest of the day, I had sat there trying to figure out what in the world is causing me to constantly compare myself to others, to keep thinking I am inadequate in everything, to not feel happiness and to have my emotions completely begin the process of shutting down, and why in the world is it just not good enough to know God loves me. That there is a plan for me...MY mission....not anyone else's but my very own. Everyone else sees their worth in God, so why am I so stubborn in seeing the same thing for myself?
My mind is in a constant state of chaos and it is exhausted. Too much information is being crammed in and I am finding it difficult to sort through. So I am left with a simple prayer:
"Please God. Help me to make sense of everything. Please. For a moment. Give me clarity to know what is right. Please God. I really don't want to try and understand anymore...I just want to change."
So even in the midst of mental turmoil, God gave me a simple response:
"You keep looking at them when you should be looking at Me. Fix our relationship. Learn what it means to be My child. Write it down. And share it. I promise the hurt will go away for you and what you share will help the hurt to go away for others."
If it's one thing I can vouch for is that God does keep His promises. He's more than proven Himself when it comes to keeping promises, but I have to do my part too. That means becoming disciplined in these areas:
1. Facebook is grand but it enables my people approval addiction. Although I will continue to write for Celebrate Recovery's Facebook page, I will have to complete that task and get off as soon as I am finished.
2. TV is off when I am home. Put on some Christian music or a sermon instead.
3. A date with God every night. How else will I get to know Him?
4. Sit and write. It's as simple as that.
5. Be honest and ok with feeling my emotions. Not working through them will just delay the recovery process.
6. While feeling my emotions, draw close to Godly people. These are my friends and they will love me through it.
Your mind may be in chaos and overflowing into the physical, but ask God to help you see what it is you need to do to work through it. Make a list such as the one I just did...goals to be achieved. And keep in mind that you are creating a testimony to be shared in the near future, therefore, what you are going through is not a waste...it's a lesson.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Wasted Time
I have been feeling out of sorts lately. Confronted with a complicated dilemma, I finally decided to turn to my mother. Without going in to full detail, I did confine in her some feelings of worthlessness, frustration, and anger. I would go on stating how I thought it was unfair I was in the position that I am while my ex-husband seemed to be living "the good life." After all, it's because of him that I am where I am at. Not that I am completely ungrateful. All my basic needs are met plus a little more, but he left me scarred, scared, and having to pick up pieces still even after three years of divorce. I continued with my rant to her about how I was finally able to save money and feeling like progress is being made in my life but then "things" come up and I am back where I started from and the man who was so mean to me for so many years seemed to be off the hook with not a care in the world that he damaged me. "So unfair," I would repeatedly tell her.
Fully expecting her to go into the mommy mode of:
"Are you eating?"
"Do you need money?"
"Come home to your family."
She instead went in another direction:
"How do you know his life is so good?"
"Pray for him and feel sorry for him. He's probably lost in the world while you know God."
"You read Job. He lost everything before gaining everything back...and more."
I never expected that from her. Then today I received a letter from her. She wrote an excerpt from a book she was reading and it went like this:
"Life on earth is just the dress rehearsal before the real production. You will spend far more time on the other side of death - in eternity - than you will here. Earth is the staging area, the preschool, the tryout for your life in eternity. It is the practice workout before the actual game; the warm-up lap before the race begins. This life is preperation for the next.
At most, you will live a hundred years on earth, but you will spend forever in eternity. Your time on earth is as Sir Thomas Browne said, "but a small parenthesis in eternity." You were made to last forever.
God has a purpose for your life on earth, but it doesn't end here. His plan involves far more than the few decades you will spend on this planet. It's more than "the opportunity of a lifetime"; God offers you an opportunity beyond your lifetime. Death will be the last hour of your time on earth, but it won't be the last of you. Rather than being the end of your life, it will be your birthday into eternal life. It ought to be the business of every day to prepare for our final day."
I read this letter quite a few times while sitting there pondering every word on paper. Finally, the first thought that came to my head was, "I'm wasting the time that is given me."
Time wasted on a social media that (for me) often makes me feel subpar. Time wasted plopping down in front of the T.V. watching shows that I have seen a hundred times. Time wasted on speaking ill of others instead of showing kindness. And time wasted, planning and plotting how I can be loved more and (pridefully) recognized. Day after day as the clock is ticking, time is wasted on empty dreams of how I can change the world, quitting all good things I pretty much start because I am simply afraid of responsibility and disappointing others. It's so much easier to do nothing than to try and fail....right?
But after reading this letter, it seems foolish to live the limited time that was given in fear and unkindness. Especially when I know the time here transitions into eternity where everything turns out to be...pretty ok.
"It ought to be the business of every day to prepare for our final day." Those hours and minutes wasted on such things as Facebook, television, self-condemnation, and condemnation of others, can best be best used to improve the quality of everyone's limited time on this planet. God has installed talents in each one of us to be thoughtfully used on a daily basis for the greater good. Not on pointless rubbish.
As the saying goes, "Life is short."
Make it count.
Fully expecting her to go into the mommy mode of:
"Are you eating?"
"Do you need money?"
"Come home to your family."
She instead went in another direction:
"How do you know his life is so good?"
"Pray for him and feel sorry for him. He's probably lost in the world while you know God."
"You read Job. He lost everything before gaining everything back...and more."
I never expected that from her. Then today I received a letter from her. She wrote an excerpt from a book she was reading and it went like this:
"Life on earth is just the dress rehearsal before the real production. You will spend far more time on the other side of death - in eternity - than you will here. Earth is the staging area, the preschool, the tryout for your life in eternity. It is the practice workout before the actual game; the warm-up lap before the race begins. This life is preperation for the next.
At most, you will live a hundred years on earth, but you will spend forever in eternity. Your time on earth is as Sir Thomas Browne said, "but a small parenthesis in eternity." You were made to last forever.
God has a purpose for your life on earth, but it doesn't end here. His plan involves far more than the few decades you will spend on this planet. It's more than "the opportunity of a lifetime"; God offers you an opportunity beyond your lifetime. Death will be the last hour of your time on earth, but it won't be the last of you. Rather than being the end of your life, it will be your birthday into eternal life. It ought to be the business of every day to prepare for our final day."
I read this letter quite a few times while sitting there pondering every word on paper. Finally, the first thought that came to my head was, "I'm wasting the time that is given me."
Time wasted on a social media that (for me) often makes me feel subpar. Time wasted plopping down in front of the T.V. watching shows that I have seen a hundred times. Time wasted on speaking ill of others instead of showing kindness. And time wasted, planning and plotting how I can be loved more and (pridefully) recognized. Day after day as the clock is ticking, time is wasted on empty dreams of how I can change the world, quitting all good things I pretty much start because I am simply afraid of responsibility and disappointing others. It's so much easier to do nothing than to try and fail....right?
But after reading this letter, it seems foolish to live the limited time that was given in fear and unkindness. Especially when I know the time here transitions into eternity where everything turns out to be...pretty ok.
"It ought to be the business of every day to prepare for our final day." Those hours and minutes wasted on such things as Facebook, television, self-condemnation, and condemnation of others, can best be best used to improve the quality of everyone's limited time on this planet. God has installed talents in each one of us to be thoughtfully used on a daily basis for the greater good. Not on pointless rubbish.
As the saying goes, "Life is short."
Make it count.
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