A little over a month ago, I had shared a struggle with a group of people and someone responded in this way,"I am so glad to hear you are struggling. I had put you up on this pedastool thinking you had your whole life perfect and nothing was ever wrong, but there is. Thank you for that." I was quite befuddled by her response (and I think others were too) and to be frank, it made me a little angry. I mean who really has it all together?! But the truth is, I haven't quite been myself lately. Depression has been looming over me for months and it seems to be getting worst. My self-confidence and people approving addiction has heightened and after leaving a volunteer training meeting the other day, I cried while driving home thinking there is no way I am going to be able to be of good use. I actually sat in that meeting comparing myself to someone who seemingly was going to be much more successful than I ever will be or ever could. How screwed up is that?
I muttered to God, "Something is terribly wrong." Even I am fed up with my attitude. For the rest of the day, I had sat there trying to figure out what in the world is causing me to constantly compare myself to others, to keep thinking I am inadequate in everything, to not feel happiness and to have my emotions completely begin the process of shutting down, and why in the world is it just not good enough to know God loves me. That there is a plan for me...MY mission....not anyone else's but my very own. Everyone else sees their worth in God, so why am I so stubborn in seeing the same thing for myself?
My mind is in a constant state of chaos and it is exhausted. Too much information is being crammed in and I am finding it difficult to sort through. So I am left with a simple prayer:
"Please God. Help me to make sense of everything. Please. For a moment. Give me clarity to know what is right. Please God. I really don't want to try and understand anymore...I just want to change."
So even in the midst of mental turmoil, God gave me a simple response:
"You keep looking at them when you should be looking at Me. Fix our relationship. Learn what it means to be My child. Write it down. And share it. I promise the hurt will go away for you and what you share will help the hurt to go away for others."
If it's one thing I can vouch for is that God does keep His promises. He's more than proven Himself when it comes to keeping promises, but I have to do my part too. That means becoming disciplined in these areas:
1. Facebook is grand but it enables my people approval addiction. Although I will continue to write for Celebrate Recovery's Facebook page, I will have to complete that task and get off as soon as I am finished.
2. TV is off when I am home. Put on some Christian music or a sermon instead.
3. A date with God every night. How else will I get to know Him?
4. Sit and write. It's as simple as that.
5. Be honest and ok with feeling my emotions. Not working through them will just delay the recovery process.
6. While feeling my emotions, draw close to Godly people. These are my friends and they will love me through it.
Your mind may be in chaos and overflowing into the physical, but ask God to help you see what it is you need to do to work through it. Make a list such as the one I just did...goals to be achieved. And keep in mind that you are creating a testimony to be shared in the near future, therefore, what you are going through is not a waste...it's a lesson.
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