Ah love. We all want it and yet it seems like something that is difficult to attain. After following a few posts on Facebook and talking with a couple of friends, I finally started pondering a little harder about the subject of love, dating, and even the extra curricular activities that go along with it.
Since 14, I have been involved in one relationship after another. Some long term...many short lived. And if I wasn't in a relationship, I was spending my time in bed with too many too count....to be blunt and honest. Love for me has only existed in fairy tales. At times I thought I felt it, but it was nothing more than a cruel illusion made up by the devil himself. I've wanted it so bad for so long and it seems the harder I look for it, the easier it has become to miss. Many of my friends keep telling me to stop looking and they will come. My first thought was, "Well of course....you already have someone." But then I started to really pay attention to what they were saying and they all had something in common. They were trying to get away from their future significant others and yet they ended up with them.
Yes...that's right. They were all runners and I can understand that completely. Since I have been on this new journey of new life with God, my outlook on pretty much everything has changed. Dating and sex especially. It's been 1 1/2 years since I broke up with my last boyfriend and I went from being sexually active frequently to having sex twice in the past ten months. Although, I made a decision to refrain from sex, I am not beating myself up too bad for that. I mean frequently to twice in ten months?! Come on! Even I am proud of that! (I apologize for being so blunt and I am grateful to God for delivering me from such immorality even though, yes, I fell a couple of times). Anyways, I am looking for Mr. Right just like everyone else (well the boys are looking for Ms. Right), but I am also not going to settle.
I have become very aware of my patterns in looking for Mr. Right. When I first started going to church, I was the scoper. Oh yeah. I checked them all out thinking him and him and him and wait....they are all married or taken. Very humiliating flirting with someone you find out to be married later on. So I stopped that game and went to just scoping, no flirting. Best to be safe and not embarrass ourselves further. After awhile, as I was getting more comfortable at church and getting to know people, I went into the second phase of "I like you, but I won't tell you that I like you." Good thing too because pretty much all the guys I was showing interest in either didn't feel the same way (and you can always tell) or would ask for advice about other girls and there goes the heart sinking down to the gut. And then there are those that are interested in you but you don't seem to be interested in them. It all seems like one big cruel love triangle and no one comes out unscathed. So becoming a runner against love....absolutely do I understand it.
I finally got to the point where I threw my hands in the air and I kid you not, yelled out in my apartment, "I give up! Boys are weird!" I was ranting and raving to God telling Him I was done looking and I was done trying to get closer to someone I thought would be nice to go out with and I was just plain done. I have finally became content with being single and was going to enjoy it. I had told a couple of friends that I was giving up and they mentioned they did the same thing right before meeting their special someone. The first thing out of my mouth was,"That better not happen! I am going to be so mad if God brings me someone after I have finally embraced the single life."
Scoping? Sounds innocent but it really is a waste of your mental capabilities. If it doesn't seem to go beyond, "Hey, he's (she's) cute." then your focus was already too much off of God.
Dating? I don't think so. Let's go out on a few dates so that if it doesn't seem to work out there will be those awkward moments at church when you pass by eachother and know that whatever friendship you had has been compromised by....dating.
So basically it's left to one option. God will have to gift wrap him in a bright big red bow and plop him down on my doorstep with a card reading, "Dear Theresa, here he is. I grew him just for you. Love God."
My desire is to marry again, obviously, but as I mentioned before, I do not want to settle. I have come to terms with my single life so that I may enjoy my time in growing with God and becoming the person that He intended me to be. It's lonely at times and I miss the companionship but I also know I am not ready for a relationship just yet. Since beginning my adventure, I wanted nothing but God's best in my life. Why would a spouse be any different? And also, why wouldn't that person deserve the best in return? It's trust and faith in God that He will provide us with the best in everything in His timing.
"I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases." Songs of Solomon 2:7 (And this verse applies to the fellas too).
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