Untitled

I'm wondering and waiting.
What it is that is in store for me.
Sometimes I think the answers are so clear
when really it just leads me down another rabbit hole.
How is it that this is happening? 
You made a promise.
Do you intend to keep it?
Or are You just watching me make a fool of myself?
Yes, I do dare question this life You made for me.
I tried to be everything I thought You wanted me to be
and all I found was loneliness, frustration, and confusion.
And what about them?
They came and they went.
Just like the wind.
Like snow falling into fire.
Why are You making me go through this?
Sometimes I don't want to have any part of this
and sometimes I regret calling Your name.
Other times I am grateful.
A sinner still but sinning less.
You know what I do.
You are the only one that I can not hide from.
It should be enough
to not do such things
but when you have to live in this three-ring circus...
sometimes a person is driven to
wanting to forget that they have to be here in the first place.
What is it exactly that I am working towards?
Why do I have to keep asking the same questions
over and over and over once more?
The pieces do not fit.
I have tried forcing them,
studying them,
and placing them
where I think they belong.
But the picture remains unclear
and incorrect.
Yes....yes.....I understood when I started
that the journey was to be difficult
but I am tired right now.
I just need to sleep.
A little rest.
Let me rest in You.
Can I just sleep in Your arms?
Please just whisper in my ear
all the good things You promised.
Whisper it as I lay in Your arms.
I'm sorry for being angry with You so often,
but You have to understand...
I am scared. 
You are so far away and
I am running
chasing after a star that is incapable of being caught.
Isn't it?
You are so right.
I can't do this alone.
How come it seems like I am?
Look at me.
Look at everything I just said.
None of it makes sense.
Please....please.....
tell me I am not becoming like him.
No...that definetly can't happen
and You need to make it stop.

So is that You wanted?
There is nothing more to say.
Except...You won.
But You can't leave me like this. 
Make it make sense....
this thing known as my life.
I'm done with regrets
and I am done with trying to find my own way
and I am done thinking that....
I can't even say it but You know.
You will be the only one to know that secret.
Here I am....
continue on with what You were doing.