Just One Request

Tell me the big secret God.
Tell me.
I want to know where I fit in
in all this.

Did You save me
just so I could be a spectator?
Why did You do it?
Why did You save me?

Please don't say it's because You love me.
The answer can't be that simple. 
There is something not right here.
All I want is to understand.

I have lived too much of my life in a blur.
And now You want me to live by faith?
You have to know that at times that is impossible.
Live by faith?
I am not sure I can anymore.

I want to give up. 
It seemed so much easier to be a blur.
My eyes are open and what I see....
There are no words for it.

You say that You love me.
I am the apple of your eye.
The lost sheep you were looking for.
Why?  I don't fit in with the others.
I don't belong there
and yet You keep insisting on saving me.

For what?
If I am no use to others,
what good am I to You?

What have You done to me?
Why?  Why didn't You just ignore my plea?
You could've just left me there.
I wish You did sometimes.

Are You trying to make a point?
Am I to be used as an example of who not to be?

Oh yes God. 
I am very serious in my thought.
And I hold no apologies.
Come as I am right?
Isn't that what You said?

Well here I am.
What more do You want?
Because I can't figure You out.
I can't understand
because I did everything You wanted.
And I am
lonelier,
pissed off,
and more uncertain than before.

How is that right?
Are You saying it's my fault?
Well we agree there.

I never should've cried out that night.
I made a mistake.
I am sorry.
And the truth is....

I won't take it back.

Because before, I was a flight risk.
And now I am a fighter.
Yes...I am very mad right now.
I am very angry.
This world...
it's the world.
And I am not sure I want to be a part of it anymore.
It has nothing I want and to be truthful...
I don't think I am what they want either.

Keep going with me God.
If that's what You must do.
But I do have just one request.....