I always find it amazing how God has a message ready for you right when you need to hear it. As a matter of fact, I am to the point where I have been replying to God's messages in this way,"Ok God. I get it now. Can we take a break from life's lessons. Just give me a week." It's no secret that I probably spent half of my recovery on fire for God and the other half on wanting to give up on God. Well that's the funny thing about the second half...I haven't given up. I may have wanted to but I haven't. I don't know if it's because God swoops in with my personal life lesson and I press on or if it's because I am just throwing a hissy fit and just need to get over it. This past weekend I had one of my, "I'm just going to give up" tantrums.
This weekend had happened to been one of my hardest trials. I admit it. I was going to go and get some alcohol. I wanted to forget how lonely I have been, how bored I was, and how tired I have grown waiting on God. I was trying to understand why things were the way they were. I was trying to figure out the next step. Needless to say I was torn and to add to all that...God revealed sin I was committing. Talk about having a lot of weight on my shoulders.
I thought about my family. I so badly desire to move closer to them but in my heart I know God wants me to stay here in Florida. I thought about my career and how overwhelmed by how much is out there for an inspiring writer. It made my head spin and I backed off for a moment. I thought about my loneliness and how I would do anything for attention. And that's where the sermon from Easter service this weekend came in.
Our pastor said you can't find hope in three areas: people, possessions, and life. For me, I put hope in people. I still starve for that attention that was stripped from me for so many years. That wanting to be center of attention has left me wandering in a desert again. God is secluding me at the moment until I learn it's not the people...it's Him.
I started to search my own heart for my intentions. Why am I doing what I am doing? Why am I so concerned with what others think? Why do I have to be the best? Why do I feel the need to seek attention? Why doesn't this person want to be my friend? How come so and so doesn't like me? The questions are endless. I believe I wrote about this not too long ago, but apparently it didn't sink in.
I often get these revelations that will stick but for a moment. I believe it's the dollar store glue that is being used. I need to go for the good stuff. Super glue to make sure it's not going anywhere.
Anyhow, when I realized what I was doing, I had no choice but to confess it to God. I am weak. I still have my manipulative and deceitful ways still in me. Maybe not as severe but they are there and it's a tool I know how to use very well. I still want things my way and I want to give in to those urges that I know will leave me with a hangover of guilt and shame the next day. I keep making myself believe that if I just do all these good things, people will see me and see how good I am. And if they see that, then I must be good, right? But if things aren't going the way I think they should....that's when I want to give in to my worldly desires. It's so easy. At least there I get the attention I want. Not to mention, my life isn't so boring when I'm living that part of my life. Basically, I am two people. One who longs for the excitement (if you can call it that) of the old days and one who longs to do the right thing and maintaining that level of excitement. I want people to notice me and notice what I am doing and keep confirming me. I make it their responsibility to make sure I am doing what I am suppose to be doing for God. But then it's not for God. I do it for them. Their affirmations.
"For the Word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than an two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account. Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Song of God, let us hold fast our confession." Hebrews 4:12-14
At the end of the day...it doesn't matter how popular I am. So what if a soul doesn't notice me? God does. Doesn't matter if others think I should be doing certain things or even acting in a certain way. God gave me this life to live for Him and that's what I need to do. And I need to do it with the right heart otherwise I shouldn't be doing anything at all.
As far as the urges. It's a very real thing that many of us have to endure for the time being. They can't be helped but we have to just be strong enough to fight through them and keep ourselves pure for God. And if we fall, that's ok. Get back up and keep going. And if we fall again. Get back up and keep going. And if we fall again. Just keep getting back up and keep going on. God doesn't intend to leave us alone through all this.
"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33
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