I...

It's been a while since I have written anything.  A lot of changes have taken place.  I have moved, I made a decision to get off facebook because it was a distraction, I quit leading at CR just to start again, and the list goes on.  Then as I look at this...I see too many "I's" already.

The only "I" we should be stating is, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13. And yet we insist on continuing to figure everything out on our own.  When we will learn to just lean on God for everything. Its plain and clear and quite simple....when we enlist God's help, He gives us strength to accomplish anything. We don't have to try so hard to be the person we were created to be.

Mission Accepted

For the past few evenings I have been contemplating God's love and what it means to have it.  Wondering if God was still here for me, He reminded me of something that brought me to tears a little while ago.
Two years ago, I was depressed and depleted of any life that could have possibly lived within me.  Just a shell wandering around, I was convinced that I would never be better than the drugs I took, the drinks I drank and the men I laid eyes upon.. but Jesus saw differently.  When I was sure that no one would love me for the things I have done wrong...God loved me.  And even though I could be told no different that my life could change...The Holy Spirit started whispering, "Yes it can."

He brought back a memory. A time when, for the very first time, I experienced forgiveness and freedom for my sins.  Something deemed impossible in my mind and yet I had been deceived for so many years that it is something quite possible.  I wondered how I went from being so happy that I was set free to going back to an almost empty person, wandering and waiting, not sure what it was I was looking or waiting for.  I was once again abandoned.  Or was I?

God and I came to a standstill because although I had victory over the tools of which I used to cope, I had not found victory over the issues.  Some were dealt with and the stuff that I really didn't want to face got swept under the rug.  I took a peek under and it seemed the past was still there and collecting dust.  Issues piled on top of issues and issues being ignored along with the issues that have been ignored for years (say that three times fast).

The questions have remained the same:

1.  Who am I?
2.  What do I do?
3.  I don't want to do what every one else is doing and yet I want to fit in.  Can't I have both?!

The answer:

I don't know.

Finding the answers are obvious but it's whether or not we want to know them.  What if I don't like the answers?  Is God really looking at the desires of my heart?  I am not sure if He's really working because nothing seems to be happening.  But then why would it...I am sitting here waiting when I should be working.

I have been misunderstanding how God works and I certainly am not going to sit here and say I figured it out in a matter of a few hours...or even a couple of years.  But in the past few evenings of contemplating God's love, I have gotten this much understanding:

1.  Even at church, we can have the urge to follow the crowd, but if it's a road not designated by God, then you better not follow it.  He will send the right people to help you along the way...even if it's very few.

2.  God has a purpose and a plan for all of us.  Whether we want to believe it's true or not does not matter because it doesn't change the fact that God will still have that plan and that purpose for all of us.

3.  If God said He forgave me for having two abortions and I knew it to be true when I started this journey a couple years ago, why in the world would I think He would love me any less today.  It appears the devil squirmed his way in somewhere.

Loneliness and finding my worth has plagued me for years.  It's a battle that I have been fighting too long and it's time to end it.  Knowing that I am not the only one searching the fine details of God's love, it has become very apparent to me (and almost a big fat, "duh") that my purpose in life is to use whatever talent God has given me to help those that are just like me.  Knowing that there are people hurting, lonely, depressed, discouraged, intimidated, feeling hopeless, feeling unloved, full of fear...by the simple fact of knowing they are out there, my purpose isn't to pass on some foo foo words many Christians can utter (sorry but it's true. We tend to have common sayings when we don't know what to really say.  I am guilty of this too).  It's to pass on the Word of God in a way that they see it, know it, feel it, embrace it, challenge it, and accept it.  Just as I did a couple years ago and just as I am rediscovering today.

To take this talent of writing and hiding it away for only a few to see;  I might as well tell God, "Hey thanks for the gift, but no thanks. It's nice and all but...just not my thing." 

Accepting our mission in life can be challenging, but if we know without a doubt God gave us a particular gift, let's trust that the purpose and plan He has for us has all the details worked out already. 

Feeling Emotions

A little over a month ago, I had shared a struggle with a group of people and someone responded in this way,"I am so glad to hear you are struggling. I had put you up on this pedastool thinking you had your whole life perfect and nothing was ever wrong, but there is.  Thank you for that."  I was quite befuddled by her response (and I think others were too) and to be frank, it made me a little angry.  I mean who really has it all together?!  But the truth is, I haven't quite been myself lately.  Depression has been looming over me for months and it seems to be getting worst.  My self-confidence and people approving addiction has heightened and after leaving a volunteer training meeting the other day, I cried while driving home thinking there is no way I am going to be able to be of good use.  I actually sat in that meeting comparing myself to someone who seemingly was going to be much more successful than I ever will be or ever could.  How screwed up is that?

I muttered to God, "Something is terribly wrong."  Even I am fed up with my attitude.  For the rest of the day, I had sat there trying to figure out what in the world is causing me to constantly compare myself to others, to keep thinking I am inadequate in everything, to not feel happiness and to have my emotions completely begin the process of shutting down, and why in the world is it just not good enough to know God loves me.  That there is a plan for me...MY mission....not anyone else's but my very own.  Everyone else sees their worth in God, so why am I so stubborn in seeing the same thing for myself?

My mind is in a constant state of chaos and it is exhausted.  Too much information is being crammed in and I am finding it difficult to sort through.  So I am left with a simple prayer:

"Please God.  Help me to make sense of everything.  Please.  For a moment.  Give me clarity to know what is right.  Please God.  I really don't want to try and understand anymore...I  just want to change."

So even in the midst of mental turmoil, God gave me a simple response:

"You keep looking at them when you should be looking at Me.  Fix our relationship.  Learn what it means to be My child. Write it down.  And share it.  I promise the hurt will go away for you and what you share will help the hurt to go away for others."

If it's one thing I can vouch for is that God does keep His promises.  He's more than proven Himself when it comes to keeping promises, but I have to do my part too.  That means becoming disciplined in these areas:

1.  Facebook is grand but it enables my people approval addiction.  Although I will continue to write for Celebrate Recovery's Facebook page, I will have to complete that task and get off as soon as I am finished.

2.  TV is off when I am home.  Put on some Christian music or a sermon instead.

3.  A date with God every night.  How else will I get to know Him?

4.  Sit and write.  It's as simple as that.

5.  Be honest and ok with feeling my emotions.  Not working through them will just delay the recovery process. 

6.  While feeling my emotions, draw close to Godly people.  These are my friends and they will love me through it.

Your mind may be in chaos and overflowing into the physical, but ask God to help you see what it is you need to do to work through it.  Make a list such as the one I just did...goals to be achieved.  And keep in mind that you are creating a testimony to be shared in the near future, therefore, what you are going through is not a waste...it's a lesson.

Wasted Time

I have been feeling out of sorts lately.  Confronted with a complicated dilemma, I finally decided to turn to my mother.  Without going in to full detail, I did confine in her some feelings of worthlessness, frustration, and anger.  I would go on stating how I thought it was unfair  I was in the position that I am while my ex-husband seemed to be living "the good life."  After all, it's because of him that I am where I am at.  Not that I am completely ungrateful.  All my basic needs are met plus a little more, but he left me scarred, scared, and having to pick up pieces still even after three years of divorce.  I continued with my rant to her about how I was finally able to save money and feeling like progress is being made in my life but then "things" come up and I am back where I started from and the man who was so mean to me for so many years seemed to be off the hook with not a care in the world that he damaged me.  "So unfair," I would repeatedly tell her. 

Fully expecting her to go into the mommy mode of:

"Are you eating?"
"Do you need money?"
"Come home to your family."

She instead went in another direction:

"How do you know his life is so good?"
"Pray for him and feel sorry for him.  He's probably lost in the world while you know God."
"You read Job.  He lost everything before gaining everything back...and more."

I never expected that from her.  Then today I received a letter from her. She wrote an excerpt from a book she was reading and it went like this:

"Life on earth is just the dress rehearsal before the real production.  You will spend far more time on the other side of death - in eternity - than you will here.  Earth is the staging area, the preschool, the tryout for your life in eternity.  It is the practice workout before the actual game;  the warm-up lap before the race begins.  This life is preperation for the next.

At most, you will live a hundred years on earth, but you will spend forever in eternity.  Your time on earth is as Sir Thomas Browne said, "but a small parenthesis in eternity."  You were made to last forever.

God has a purpose for your life on earth, but it doesn't end here.  His plan involves far more than the few decades you will spend on this planet.  It's more than "the opportunity of a lifetime"; God offers you an opportunity beyond your lifetime.  Death will be the last hour of your time on earth, but it won't be the last of you.  Rather than being the end of your life, it will be your birthday into eternal life.  It ought to be the business of every day to prepare for our final day."

I read this letter quite a few times while sitting there pondering every word on paper.  Finally, the first thought that came to my head was, "I'm wasting the time that is given me." 

Time wasted on a social media that (for me) often makes me feel subpar.  Time wasted plopping down in front of the T.V. watching shows that I have seen a hundred times. Time wasted on speaking ill of others instead of showing kindness. And time wasted, planning and plotting how I can be loved more and (pridefully) recognized.  Day after day as the clock is ticking, time is wasted on empty dreams of how I can change the world, quitting all good things I pretty much start because I am simply afraid of responsibility and disappointing others.  It's so much easier to do nothing than to try and fail....right? 

But after reading this letter, it seems foolish to live the limited time that was given in fear and unkindness.  Especially when I know the time here transitions into eternity where everything turns out to be...pretty ok. 

"It ought to be the business of every day to prepare for our final day."  Those hours and minutes wasted on such things as Facebook, television, self-condemnation, and condemnation of others,  can best be best used to improve the quality of everyone's limited time on this planet. God has installed talents in each one of us to be thoughtfully used on a daily basis for the greater good.  Not on pointless rubbish.

As the saying goes, "Life is short."

Make it count. 

So Much From So Little

As a not so starving writer but most definetly an unknown one, my dream is just like all the other writers out there.  A published piece of work that makes the #1 Bestsellers list.  Or at least just having something published and on the shelves for people to consider.  There are days when I see it all happening and there are other days where I ask, "How in the world is this going to happen?"  Of course, the doubt sets, in repeating things like, "You will never make it."  "You don't have enough to invest in yourself."  "You are not popular enough."  "You have too little time to work on anything." And it continues on from there.  But I started thinking about Doubt's statements as they are running through my head and the ones that stand out the most are the ones that say I don't have enough of whatever I apparently need to make it big. 

Having very little.  Isn't that where all great things stem from?  Very little? At least many of the Bible stories do.  A few fish and loaves of bread to feed 5000 +, Elijah alone proving who the true God is against about 400 prophets and wasn't there a war with only 300 soldiers going up against tens of thousands...and won.  David was smaller than Goliath and beat him, Jesus began His time on Earth as a small baby, and we can move mountains with faith as small as a teeny tiny mustard seed.  Such mighty things that come from some very small things. 

So I have come to the conclusion that although I may not have much, except will and rough talent, something big can happen.  Especially since I have faith...like a mustard seed.

"Another parable He put forth to them, saying: 'The kingdom of heaven  is like a mustard seed, which a man took and sowed in his field, which indeed  is the least of all the seeds; but when it is grown it is greater than the herbs and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and nest in its' branches.'"  Matthew 13:31-32

Furry Heroes

It's not a big secret that I am an animal lover.  But the reason why has been a kept secret for a very long time...until now.

As I grew up, I always had pets.  Birds, mainly, fish, frogs, and even rats.  My cousin, whom I shared a home with, had rabbits and hamsters, so between the two of us, we had our own little zoo.  I didn't get a dog until after I was married.  We first took in a sharpei mix and named her Mulan and later we inherited my ex-husband's chow mix named Jax after his mother passed away.  Then after Jax passed away came Miko. 

Most knew my ex-husband was very unkind to me.  They have witnessed much of his unpleasant behaviour but, of course, no one knew just how bad it was in private.  Most of it was verbal and mental abuse, but physical abuse would slip in every once in a while and the dogs would witness such displays of unaffection almost on a daily basis.  They spent much time hiding under the bed and I spent much time laying on the floor next to them coaxing them out any way I could, apologizing to them that I brought them into a home of such cruelty.  It wasn't fair to them and because I was afraid to do anything about the situation, they lived in fear day after day.

My guilt and shame grew and I knew that they deserved so much better.  I couldn't give them up because I was afraid of being alone and they were the only source of love I had at the time.  Well...at least that's what I thought.  There was one time where I did abandon them.  I couldn't stay any longer and left my ex-husband for a brief time and I had to leave my dogs behind.  They were in my thoughts constantly, 'How could I leave them behind with him.'  I went back, more out of fear that they would be hurt because I was gone. 

My despair grew and I was certain theirs was too.  Again, there we were, day after day...them under the bed frightened and me begging for them to come out.  But then one day something happened.  Something that would change things forever in our home and our future. 

It was a day no different than any other.  My ex-husband and I were fighting...badly.  His fist raised up right in line with my face.  I looked at him and his eyes got big, his fist came down and he backed away a little bit.  I was confused of what was happening and I looked down to see my two dogs.  One on each side of me, fur standing on end and snarling and growling so loud you could see spit foaming up and flying out.  They were ready.  If he threw that punch, they would lunge.  It was a site I, or my ex-husband, have never seen and on that day, it was the beginning of the end.

My dogs grew tired of what was happening in our home and they came to my rescue at a point when I thought I never would be.  It wasn't too long after that incident, we did rescue one more dog and we ended up in divorce.  Much to my regret (even to this day), he took Mulan and I took Miko and Sunny.  The first night Miko, Sunny and I were in our apartment, the three of us sat at the foot of the bed (which was on the floor and still remains very low to this day) and I promised no one would hurt us the way we hurt for the past ten years ever again. 

Now you know.  Why I talk about them so much, why I believe in rescuing animals, why I take a stand against animal abuse, why I believe they are good for your health...and soul.  God used two such animals.  He gave them strength and a fearlessnes to put an end to a bad situation.  In return, their fearlessness became contagious and I found the strength to leave...for good. 

These are my heroes.  So when I look at an animal, I don't just see something "oh so cute and fuzzy and adorable."  I see what compassion looks like and what great character there is to possess. 

What Are You Doing Here?

I was doing my Bible study this evening and it was a continuation of why we need proper rest.  There was a verse that stuck out but I got a different meaning from it.

"And there he went into a cave, and spent the night in that place; and behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and He said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"  1 Kings 19:9

It was the last part of the verse that caught my attention, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"  I pondered that part of the verse for a moment and felt as if that question was being asked of me. 

"What are you doing here, Theresa?"
"Why are you doing what you are doing?" 
"Did I ask you to do this?"

Here I am chugging along, thinking I am doing what I thought I was suppose to be doing and God is asking what I am doing here. Apparently, I am not doing what I really am suppose to be doing. How confused could one person get?

So now it makes sense.  I have been wondering why I feel as if I am not moving ahead in ministries.  I plateaued.  Not slipping but not moving forward either.  Not necessarily feeling satisfied but not fully disappointed either.  I am not sure what it is that I expect but something is stirring that something needs to change and God has been waving a big red flag in front of me but I chose to ignore Him.  Well tonight He finally has my attention, so the next question is, "Ok God.  What do you want me to do?  Where am I suppose to go?"

It's so simple.  All we have to do is ask and.....

"The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps."  Proverbs 16:9